Asking a co-parent to parent isn't usually an issue.
But some parents can drop the ball by focusing on something that isn't top priority.
Sometimes the focus may need to stay on the kids... or dinner.
Redditor Mediocre_Clam wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for getting after my husband 'like a child?'"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"40, wife and mom of 6 (20 - 2)."
"I was preparing to cook dinner when I realized that we were short on tortillas."
"I asked my husband (37) if he could put the chicken in the oven while I ran to the store."
"We usually cook together or take turns cooking, so he knows his way around the kitchen."
"I returned home to find the kitchen baby-gate open and no husband."
"I noticed on the counter the remnants of him opening the package of chicken with a pair of children’s scissors."
"There’s a drawer of utensils (including a knife) underneath the area where he left the raw chicken juice, covered scissors, and trash."
"The kitchen shears are in the knife block an arm’s length directly behind."
"He chose to use the pair the kids do homework and crafts with, and are kept on the ledge in a pen cup."
"When my husband came back into the kitchen, I asked, 'Why did you use these dirty-a** **scissors when there are a million other ways to open the chicken? Why is this mess still sitting here? And the gate was open; Boogie (2) could have been in the kitchen with the oven and stove on. What the heck were you thinking?'”
"He starts screaming at me, saying I treat him like s*** and he’s not a child."
"Turns out he was playing a flight simulator video game in the bedroom when I asked him to help, so he was just trying to get back before he crashed."
The OP was left to wonder:
""Am I the a-hole for reacting the way I did or has my husband freaky friday-ed with our 16 yr old?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"He's using weaponized incompetence to see if he can make you do everything because he doesn't want to lift a finger." ~ tired-as-f
"On top of that, it's pretty much the definition of an addiction problem if he endangers his own child to rush back to his addiction." ~ HelenGonne
"It's not weaponized incompetence - it's control."
"I might cook that way in my own kitchen - leave the mess for an hour until my game level was done."
"Thankfully, it's my kitchen, and no one else cares."
"She has specific scissors she doesn't want used (I often use the scissors from my pen-cup to open food packaging if I can't locate my kitchen ones)."
"They have a mismatch of standards that needs to be addressed - preferably not in a talking-down-to-each-other way."
"If my husband saw I'd left a cooking mess in my kitchen and decided to berate me like a child, I know I would be miserable." ~ Human-Bonus7830
"Weaponized incompetence and video games- name a more iconic 'husband has mom as wife' duo. NTA." ~ Vogelsucht
"NTA - He was extremely irresponsible in every way."
"If he's going to act like an immature teenager, then he can be treated like one." ~ Phoenix-Phire38
"6 kids and he’s playing games; then gaslighting you with his weaponized incompetence."
"Ask yourself, do you really need a 7th child?"
"You should send this one back to his mother."
"Clearly she wasn’t done raising him." ~ NormativeTruth
"I mean, he is clearly the AH, but you seem to use a lot of words you don't understand."
"There's no gaslighting here at all, in any way, shape, or form."
"There's also no 'weaponized incompetence,' which would imply that his irresponsible behaviour was deliberately designed to get out of being helpful, when clearly he was just indifferent and irresponsible."
"Also, as someone else noted, why are you blaming a grown man's behaviour on his mother?"
"You have no idea how he was raised... he's a grown-a** father of six who has been a dad for 20 years; at this point, his choices are entirely his responsibility and have nothing at all to do with how he was raised (and even if they were, how is that solely his mother's fault and not his father's)." ~ Sorry_I_Guess
"Think about this: if you had a stroke, could you trust him to keep the household together?"
"Let alone take care of you?"
"Plan accordingly." ~ Think-Cry-5284
"That's exactly why I finally realised I had to leave my abusive ex."
"Not because he couldn't cook chicken, but because I didn't want to be depending on him for my every physical need."
"I didn't want to be lying there at age 80 in a pool of my own waste while he was at the pub with his mates when he was supposed to be buying me my incontinence pants." ~ Resident-Staff-1218
"The fact that he left the baby gate open with the oven on while using the kids’ scissors on raw chicken is enough alone to justify you being upset."
"That’s not 'treating him like a child'; that’s basic safety. NTA."
"Maybe a calm talk later about pausing games when real-life stuff needs doing." ~ Maximum-Pilot387
"Another day, another woman having several kids with a complete waste of space father." ~ antizana
"NTA - you two make food together often, so he should've known better."
"Further, him screwing things up to get back to his game and then screaming at you when you confronted him is extremely as*hole behavior."
"Please don't have more children with him." ~ NewKnarfire
"Are you asking if you’re at fault for another adult endangering your children, trashing the kitchen, going out of his way to use improper and unclean tools to handle food, and throwing a tantrum to deter responsibility?"
"The fact that you even wonder only gives a glimpse of how dysfunctional your relationship is and how irresponsible and dangerous your husband can be."
"Don’t you realize that the behavior of a man who doesn’t love or like you and the children?"
"That is the reaction of a man who finds it convenient and comfortable having you in charge without a once of gratitude and definitely won’t even entertain the idea of ever having to reciprocate."
"That is the kind of man entering a relationship for the labour he can get from it, not because he enjoys the company." ~ GrouchySteam
"No. Don't tolerate him screaming at you."
"Absolutely not."
"He needs to grow up."
"Tell him that his tantrums and having to ask him to do basic things, like a child, are turning you off."
"You are only attracted to adult men."
"His childish behavior is giving you the ick and causing you to lose your passion for him."
"It works."
"Besides, it eventually will happen." ~ Sufficient_Song3387
"Don't act like a child if you don't wanna be treated like a child."
"He got upset when Mommy interrupted his game, and he literally used CHILDREN'S scissors on the food."
"If anyone is treating him childishly, he's doing it himself."
"How hard would it have been for him to say something like, 'You got it! Finishing up this level, then I'm on it.'"
"Or if the game can be paused, just pause it. NTA." ~ DarkSmarts
"A father of six thinking he has time to play video games makes me want to throw things."
"Specifically, his gaming equipment. NTA." ~ No_Research550
"NTA, girl."
"He left a toddler-accessible baby gate open with the stove on to go finish a video game, and used kids' scissors covered in raw chicken juice instead of literally any of the actual kitchen tools right there."
"That's not 'treating him like a child'; that's a completely valid reaction to a genuinely unsafe situation."
"He got defensive cause he knows he messed up." ~ NoJacket1231
"NTA, but you have to face reality; he isn't going to change this way."
"If that's your goal, you're going to have to put in more effort, unfortunately, because it's clear he is immediately justifying his behavior to himself." ~ MissionCreeper
"Obviously NTA, but this is concerning."
"Either this is typical behaviour for your husband, and only now, after 6 kids, do you bother to question it, or this sort of thing has never happened before, and you’re genuinely surprised."
"If it’s the latter, your husband needs a doctor; he could have a brain tumor."
"If it’s the former… I’m sorry." ~ LeafPankowski
"NTA. This is not a safe person for you or your kids to be around."
"He clearly doesn’t care about basic safety concerns, and his major overreaction is a huge red flag for abuse."
"Someone who goes from zero to screaming is someone who can’t control their anger." ~ glib_result
"You had me until the video game… my wife and I drop the ball and do dumb sh*t."
"Not thinking. Going through the motions."
"Just stressful life getting the best of you... when things like that happen."
"We don’t blame each other."
"We don’t react."
"We just accept that the other person was off for whatever reason."
"Usually, laugh and talk a little sh*t on the other one... keep it light."
"Life is too heavy to get worked up over dumb sh*t…"
"HOWEVER, I think any grown man who prioritizes video games over real life is a child."
"I get that you need a release and escape from life."
"But my brother in Christ… life is not behind a screen…" ~ Mindless-Way-6486
Reddit is concerned for you, OP.
Your husband did not step up.
It's not much to ask for a husband to help prepare dinner and watch his own kids.
These are a lot of red flags.
Be careful, and good luck.
