Weaponized incompetence is a term given for someone deliberately doing a task poorly to avoid having to do the task again. It's used in evaluating workplace and domestic ssituations.
A woman who rid herself of the dead weight in her marriage turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her reaction to someone else's.
FYI: In Reddit lingo, DH is an often used abbreviation that stands for "dear husband" and the less used DD stands for "darling daughter."
Circe1818 asked:
"AITA for telling my friend's [dear husband] (DH) I wouldn't put up with his incompetence?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (44, female) met up with my friend/former coworker (35, female) for brunch and shopping yesterday. Right after we placed our order, her DH (33, male) started calling repeatedly regarding their 9-month-old daughter."
"At first, it seemed like a minor issue, but he was getting increasingly upset and we ended up canceling our orders to meet him at the house. I told her we could meet up another day, but she said to ride with her to the house because it wouldn't take long and we could still go shopping after."
"Her DH calls her again while we're going to her house and despite her telling him multiple times he's on speaker since her phone's connected to the car, keeps berating her for leaving him without a diaper bag while he took their daughter out. Asking how f*cking stupid she was for leaving without giving him a prepped diaper bag."
"Blaming her for [darling daughter (DD)] having a blow out and her diaper leaking while he went to the store. It was really bad. He finally hangs up and she vents that she had no idea he was taking DD out because he's never taken her anywhere but daycare on his own."
"Also, he grabbed the daycare diaper bag instead of their diaper bag—it's a different color and has a big tag that has the daycare and DD's name. She refills the daycare bag on Sunday night so it was empty."
"I tried to be supportive and not say anything that would upset her more."
"We get to the house and DH is standing by the car with DD still in the car seat. I admit I'm nosy so I rolled the window down and could hear him berate her and say she had to clean the baby and the car seat up."
"She took the baby inside and he got on his phone and called someone to tell them what happened. He was complaining about the situation and saying his wife f*cked him over, but once the car seat was wiped down, he could go watch the game at their house because he was sending the baby with her."
"Eventually, he realizes I'm waiting in the car and he gets off the phone and talks to me."
"He said he was sorry his wife ruined our brunch and he can't believe she did something so dumb. He said he hears what a great mom I am and he knows I wouldn't put my DH in this position."
"This is were I may be the a**hole. At this point I was extremely annoyed and frankly furious. I told him today would never happen because the moment I saw my EX-husband be halfway that incompetent with no effort to change, I left."
"We've been divorced for over a decade and I was happy and thriving only needing to raise one actual child, not two. He said f*ck you and got into his car and left."
"I told my friend what happened—she was upset, but I don't think at me. She just wanted to leave the house so we ended up taking the baby to my house and my kid kindly offered to watch the baby while we just watched a movie and rotted."
"I apologized and she said she'll figure it out. I don't know their entire situation, so I may have made things worse for my friend."
"That's why i think I'm an a**hole, not to him because f*ck him, but to her. She's clearly not recognizing how horrible he is and may not be safe. My temper got the best of me and I could have made the situation worse."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Honestly your friend is a doormat and he sounds abusive. ~ ResolutionOk5211
"The husband is 100% to blame.The wife was spending time with her freind, how on earth that makes her a doormat is beyond me. It takes courage to stand up to an abuser—it's why victims need support."
"Having been through it in the past, OP did the right thing and stood up for the both of them.The wife might have been led to believe that the abuse was acceptable and it was her that needed to change. It wouldn't at all surprise me."
"Honestly, the way he just shifted blame, threw a whole a** tantrum and also insulted her over a basic parenting mistake is just wild. He was literally degrading her in public and she just took it."
"She's just too deep in it to recognise and henceforth normalized the whole thing, if he can talk to her like that in public it's going to be 10x worse indoors, OP calling him out on it must be the first time anyone challenged him." ~ xylarvroky
"Like, it's really just very heartbreaking that she's stuck in survival mode and thinks that it's just 'normal' because he made her so isolated. The fact that he felt comfortable to talk to his wife like a peice of garbage in front of his friends means he treats her worse when nobody is around. I really do hope OP opens her eyes and doors for her." ~ qorvantrex
"The fact that he thought he could 'bond' with OP over this was really telling of how deep it's all gone. He has fully convinced himself that these kinds of issues are not his fault, and his wife has been so abused for so long that she believes it too." ~ numbersthen0987431
"The fact that he felt comfortable doing that in public says everything about how terrifying he must be behind closed doors. She is so conditioned to his behavior that she doesn't even see the red flags anymore, but I am so glad OP stepped up." ~ Front_Requirement_74
"There was no parenting mistake for Husband to get angry at Friend for. The diaper bag is not Friend’s mistake." ~ Tulipsarered
"It wasn't a mistake, it was intentional weaponized incompetence. You don't need to be a parent or have experience taking care of a baby to understand and instinctually know you should check what supplies you have before leaving."
"Everyone does it for anything that requires supplies to leave the house. He intentionally created a scenario where he could then get mad and justify himself for going to a friend's house and watching the game without the child."
"I've had multiple experiences of blowouts while taking care of the children, including when the diaper bag didn't have enough supplies. Lack of spare clothes, not enough wipes, etc..."
"Sure it's frustrating, but I never once blamed my wife or made it her fault for my lack of preparation or forethought." ~ Dacoupable
"She didn’t make a parenting mistake, he did. Her mistake was falling for this monster and procreating with him." ~ anxgrl
"He ruined her brunch on purpose." ~ Sugarnspice44
"Of course he did. He didn't want to be with the baby anyway so he engineered it to make it look like he was willing to take her, then manufactured a crisis and made it her fault." ~ roseofjuly
"My EX husband used to ruin things for me as well. He wanted me at home. A job, a planned time to myself? He managed to sabotage it. He was more subtle about it but the result was the same."
"I finally divorced him despite being on unemployment benefits. After the divorce I managed to get a very good job. Now retired." ~ Ordinary-Audience363
"NTA. And the fact he was successful in weaponizing his incompetence to saddle your friend with their child on the few hours she took off will only encourage him to carry on like that." ~ Itacira
"Yup. Why was he waiting in the driveway if the issue was not enough diapers in the go bag? Go the f*ck inside your own house...unless you either don't know where the diapers are, or you were just begging for an excuse to get out of being a parent." ~ aabbccbb
OP noted the husband's weaponized incompetence, which let him cancel his wife's plans and go watch a sporting event at his buddy's house.
His wife probably just needed to know that someone else saw him manipulating and gaslighting her to shirk his parental responsibilities. Maybe now she can cull her dead weight too.
