Who pays for what in a relationship is often a source of conflict. When only one partner is working, do they have complete control over finances?
What if they didn't consent to supporting their partner financially?
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback on a change she wants to make with how she doles out her paycheck, asking a "Would I Be The A**Hole" (WIBTAH) question.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
One-Delay1535 asked:
"WIBTAH if I didn't give my boyfriend any money?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (24, female) have been dating my boyfriend (40, male) for about 2 years now. PLEASE YES I KNOW THE AGE GAP IS LARGE. I get that, I know it's abnormal etc...)."
"When we started dating, he had a job, his own place, etc... Though he didn't pay rent, I study from home, and was having problems with my mom and her abusive boyfriend. So we met, became roommates with benefits for a bit. I did my bit with my allowance from my grandfather and I cleaned most days, etc..."
"However, after I got a decent job, he just can't hold down a job. Fine, whatever, cool. I thought I'd be holding us down temporarily."
"Anyway, he is constantly nitpicking. For context, I work from home, 7 days a week, a minimum of 9 hours a day, some days up to 16 hours, and I'll graduate next year."
"But it's like EVERYTHING I do is wrong. He cleans like once a week, never does the dishes, and does the laundry like once a week and feeds our pets daily. I do the dishes, etc..."
"When I got a maid because I hated doing the dishes, that was an issue. She never cleaned right, or she never did enough, etc... So I asked him to talk to her, and that was a no because I needed to learn to 'speak up for myself,' but I had no issue with her. She worked for my mom from the time I was in primary school."
"Just know that almost EVERY day its something, I'm either in the bedroom too much, or I don't clean up after myself (I do keep my space tidy, and make sure there are no dishes etc. Lying around) but I'm exhausted, I get little to no downtime and he always tells me that adults dont get downtime, my downtime is supposed to be used to get non-work things done which is such B.S. for real."
"Tonight he saw a chip of my nail polish on the bed and went off on me. I've had this nail polish on for a while and rub my feet together when I'm in bed sometimes. It might have chipped off and I didn't notice it."
"Then, as I'm climbing into bed, our big dog was where my feet go, so I was struggling to get in and he snapped at me again causing me to throw a little tantrum that I'm not proud of. I basically yelled that I'm so tired of him nitpicking everything I do and never being happy with me."
"I then sent him a WhatsApp saying the following: 'If you hate me that f*cking much, just leave. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you, all I hear daily is how EVERYTHING I do is so wrong. I don't want you to leave, but clearly it's what you want, so I won't hold you back. I don't criticize you as much or as harshly as you do me. Find a woman who makes you happy."
"I don't criticize him at all, to be honest, even though I should."
"I get paid tomorrow, would it be financial abuse if I didn't send him any money for cigarettes, etc...?"
"He told me tonight that I do NOTHING, and that really stung."
"I've never done this before. I always see my money as our money, but I'm SO fed up. I also didn't agree to him not working—it was more forced onto me."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to cut her boyfriend off financially (NTA), although most recommended she cut him out of her life completely.
"NTA. Girl... GET RID OF HIM. I can’t even comprehend why you are still with him given what you said. You can and will do better.There’s no devil's advocate to play here, leave and do better. ~ No-Fisherman5735
"As a 45-year-old man- this is insane to me. Run girl. Take your stuff and run. He’s gonna take advantage for as long as you allow it. Leave while you’re still in control. ~ SubiKai81
"He’s old enough to be your dad, you shouldn’t have to be his mom." ~ CptKUSSCryAllTheTime
"I'm 42, the thought of dating a 24-year-old is actually gross. What could you possibly have in common? The only way you have stuff in common is if your 40-year-old boyfriend has the mentality of a 24-year-old."
"Just be done.The whole point of dating someone older than you is to be with someone established that can help you in life. You have to help him though." ~ Snakend
"I’m 38, this would be like dating my goddaughter's friends. A flat no in any universe."
"I’m the age this guy was when he and OP started dating, and I’d feel gross dating someone under 30. Even a 30-year-old is kind of borderline." ~ axw3555
"He’s not a brat, he’s an abusive manchild. Get rid of him, he has nothing to offer." ~ geeenidee
"He’s a hobosexual." ~ bloodrose_80
*hobosexual: term for a person who enters into romantic or sexual relationships primarily to secure a free place to live or financial stability, rather than out of genuine affection
"Thats why he's 40 hitting on much younger women. He knows someone with more experience would spot his hobosexuality immediately."
"Men (and women too) who aren't mature enough to pull their own weight in a relationship will just cycle through younger partners because those younger partners haven't yet gained the experience needed to spot these leeches."
"You got your lesson, you see him for what he is and now you know what to look for." ~ onomatopeieio
"He’s a hobosexual, and you are now the breadwinner. There’s a reason why he dated someone young and inexperienced; women his age will see he’s a POS. Dump him." ~ BadMom2Trans
"Girl... There’s a reason he can’t get a woman his own age." ~ blahhhhhhhhhhhblah
"You are so right, reading this actually made me nauseous, like what the f*ck‽‽ ~ Nightshade_Siren
"NTA. I mean no disrespect when I say this, but there is a reason he's not with women his own age. We know better. We wouldn't give a single f*ck if he's homeless. It's not our problem."
"And buying him smokes....Hell NO! If he can't afford it, it's not your responsibility to buy them. He doesn't like you from the sound of it."
"Us older women (40+) would rather be single than put up with a man-baby like him. He's too much of a loser to be so judgemental of you. Dump him Queen." ~ natgorsmith
"If you are into dating 40-year-old men, it should be easy to find one that's not a deadbeat and can take care of you instead of you supporting him. NTA." ~ TheLFlamaBlanca
"Living alone is so amazing and peaceful, and you are going to love having your own space, having your own snacks, having your own vibes going on, your music and your TV shows whenever you want, the place smelling good, and not having a man take over your space."
"You can do whatever you want, and your stuff will be exactly where you left it. It might be scary in the beginning, but you’re going to adapt very quickly. Freedom is priceless!" ~ Fearless-Adeptness61
"I was in a bad relationship and stayed way too long. I was so scared of what was just over the hill because I couldn't see it. Turns out it was the best decision ever, and I just regret not doing it sooner."
"Dump the loser, LEARN from this mistake and move on." ~ ButtonCyberkk
The OP provided an update:
"It is currently 3 a.m.; I will be leaving him in the morning."
A few hours later, they added:
"It’s 9:38 AM by me. I've phoned his uncle, who is on his way to pack his sh*t up. I'm done, guys, heart sore, but done."
"There wasn't even an apology this morning, just attitude, if you can believe it. He left like 30 minutes ago on a walk, and his uncle should be here any minute now, probably with his mom, who he hates."
OP has learned a valuable lesson. Hopefully now she can spot a hobosexual before she's financially supporting them.
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