Investing in an idea is always a risk.
The potential gains and losses have to be carefully evaluated. If the risks exceed the potential rewards, it might be wise to pass on the project.
But what if the idea is from a loved one? Should money be given freely without a risk assessment?
A woman struggling with that question turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Rich-Painter-9008 asked:
“AITA for refusing to fund my boyfriends ‘genius’ idea?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (24, female) have been dating my boyfriend (29, male) for 3 years, and while he’s always been a bit wacky, I usually find it kind of endearing.”
“This time however, he’s really outdone himself. A few weeks ago, he told me he had a ‘groundbreaking’ idea that would ‘change humanity forever’.”
“Entertaining him, I asked what it was. His answer? He wants to invent a new color.”
“Before we go any further it’s important to note we are both college graduates. I graduated in Biochemistry last year and my boyfriend in Philosophy a few years before, which makes this all the wilder I guess.”
“I tried to gently point out that colors exist as part of the visible spectrum of light, so unless he was about to discover some new wavelength, this might not be possible. But he waved me off, calling me ‘close-minded’ and saying he was ‘enlightened in a way you’ll never be’.”
“At first, I just nodded and let him ramble about his ‘vision’. But then he told me he needed funding to start his ‘research’.”
“Specifically, he wanted me to give him $4,000 so he could buy ‘supplies’, including ‘advanced art tools’, a lab coat because apparently, scientists wear them, so it would make him ‘feel smarter’, and—wait for it—a trip to the desert because he thinks the ‘pure sunlight’ there will inspire him.”
“I told him absolutely not. I’m saving for grad school, and even if I weren’t, I’m not dropping thousands of dollars on his… whatever this is.”
“He got mad, saying I didn’t believe in him or his ‘potential to revolutionize human perception’. He even accused me of being jealous that he had a ‘world-changing idea’ and I didn’t.”
“It got really heated and he ended up saying a lot of things about using my card as he knew the details anyway. For reference he’s been unemployed for a while now, whilst I’ve got a regular job.”
“I ended up saying some things I do regret, but a lot of it was retaliation.”
“Now he’s sulking and telling everyone I’m ‘unsupportive’ and ‘afraid of innovation’. His friends are backing him up, saying I should be encouraging his creativity instead of ‘crushing his dreams’.”
“AITA for refusing to fund his quest to invent a new color?”
The OP later added:
“In terms of drugs we smoke weed occasionally, but haven’t in the past few weeks, I’ve never seen him do any other drugs, nor have I found any in the house.”
“So I don’t know if I can really blame this on a bad trip.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“The judged action is that I am refusing to give my boyfriend the funding and his friends are calling me an a**hole for not supporting his idea.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“With his superior enlightened brain he should easily be able to figure out how to make $4,000 himself.
NTA, but you would be if you allowed the delicate genius to demean himself by begging for money from a lesser intellect. He’s obviously better than that.
My reply was obviously glib, but there is the possibility he’s having some sort of mental breakdown which requires professional attention.” ~ SnooBooks007
“I would suggest to OP to request a new credit card number so he no longer has the number memorized. NTA.” ~ Front-Obligation-773
“She needs to open a new account at a different bank, transfer the vast majority of her money to it, hide all evidence of it, and keep the card somewhere else that’s not her wallet.”
“Make sure it isn’t something that’s connected to paypal or cashapp or another way he can send money to himself. She needs to change her online banking, cashapp, paypal, email passwords and fully cut this guy off.”
“She needs to break up with him or tell him he goes to therapy with her or it’s over.”
“As a woman, I’ll never understand the crap some of us let partners put us through. This dude would be my ex the second he insulted my intelligence and threatened to steal my money without permission.”
“Y’all ladies gotta grow backbones and some standards, damn.” ~ the-mortyest-morty
“NTA. Read the MAJOR red flags. They are strong with this one. Start with manipulation and that progresses to gaslighting, from there you have threats of theft. Mental breakdown or not, she needs to let him get the help he needs which could be from a professional or her leaving him. But either way, this is a toxic relationship. And yes, if he does have bi-polar or schizophrenia, it can still be a toxic relationship.” ~ jjrobinson73
“The second the dude told me ‘I got your numbers and info memorized’ is the second I would change everything, freeze my credit cards and just dump the dude because like first off, why? Why do you?”
“And second off, the *ck kinda threat is that? You’ll steal it if I won’t give it to you? GTF outta here.” ~ spid3rham90
“Why would you let yourself be treated like this? He is using you. Whether this is mental illness or just his nasty personality shining through (darkly), why would you live in fear of him using your credit card/ money?”
“He has basically threatened to steal from you. I would toss all his stuff out in garbage bags, change the locks, and get a restraining order on him. NTA.” ~ ShyWombatFan
“NTA, but I’m concerned about him. This sounds less like wacky than like a possible symptom of mental or neurological illness.”
“I am not a doctor or a psychologist, but if someone close to me said this, and seemed serious about it, I’d be seriously concerned about their health.” ~ karptonite
“NTA. Don’t fund this. Did he get this idea from mantis shrimp? He got this idea from shrimp.” ~ NoSalamander7749
“NTA, but if this is new behaviour I would assume it’s a mental health issue.” ~ wotsname123
“NTA, and the new color is the red flags he’s emitting.” ~ CombinationAny870
“NTA. This is a crazy situation. A new color? Like, what? The fact that his friends are backing him up is even weirder. It sounds like he needs help, not funding. It’s good you’re thinking about his mental health, but don’t feel obligated to fix him or give him money. He needs professional help, and u need to protect urself, especially financially. The card thing is a big deal, so be careful.” ~ HoneyStreamm
“NTA. Does he mean a new color of pigment or dye stuffs? Because that could be a thing, but he would have to be a chemist to even know how to try. Does he smoke a lot of weed?” ~ Jenicillin
“NTA this is not a reasonable request.”
“I am concerned for you that he said he’d use your card anyway as he knows the details. If he’s in a manic phase—or other mental illness flare up—he might easily make rash, impulsive spends on your card.”
“Get a new bank card and reduce the minimum allowable daily spend to the lowest reasonable level.” ~ cynical_overlord1979
“NTA. But what does he bring to your relationship? He doesn’t have a job, he’s threatening to use your credit card without permission, he insults you, and seems to be having some kind of break with reality. I’d be giving this relationship a long, hard look, this kind of ‘quirky’ behavior doesn’t usually improve.” ~ Machine-Dove
The OP provided an update.
“Thank you, guys, for all the advice, I’ve moved the majority of my money into my second bank account for now which I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have access to.”
“In terms of his mental health, I’m not in the habit of sharing his personal history online, but seeing all your comments, I do agree that this might be a mental health issue, and I’m going to attempt to approach him with the idea of a consultation tomorrow.”
“If anyone has any advice on that, please let me know, as I don’t want it to come across as insulting. I know he was down after his job, but the comments have got me more worried about more serious illnesses that he may have.”
“His friends seem to be very supportive in his ideas, but I’m very close with his sister so I’m considering reaching out to her as she might be able to get him to listen.”
“For now I think that’s all I can do, but I’m hoping that if this is something serious I’m able to get him the help he needs before deciding whether the relationship itself is beneficial.”
No further updates have been provided.
Hopefully the OP found the answers she needed.