It's always awkward to run into an ex.
Particularly if we are now involved with someone else.
Sometimes, some unresolved feelings might resurface.
Other times, our new partners may feel a bit threatened.
Redditor quicknded had recently entered a new relationship.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)'s partner had also reconnected with a former flame.
A flame that the OP's partner refused to update her on in her new relationship.
Much to the OP's confusion and surprise.
Unsure of what to do and how to feel, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole (AITAH).
Unlike the similar 'Am I The A**Hole' (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Voting acronyms aren't required, and no final judgment is declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for wanting my GF to tell a guy she used to sleep with that she now has a BF?"
The OP explained why they were less than comfortable with their partner reconnecting with a former flame:
"My (40 M[ale]) GF (33 F[emale]) and I celebrated our 1-year anniversary."
"At dinner she got a video call notification from a guy she had previously told me about that she used to hook up with that had been hitting her up because he was moving back to the city."
"He'd been in a different city for about 3 years."
"Last Christmas he randomly sent her (she showed me the messages that it was a completely unprompted gift and she told him she didn't want it and asked him for a return address or to accept money for it to even things out) a gift of yoga pants that I thought was kind of intimate and inappropriate for a random guy that at that time she said was 'just a friend'."
"Turns out (from my perspective) he was laying groundwork to get back into her life as he was moving back."
"About a month ago she told me he'd been hitting her up in DMs just saying 'hi' and asking if she was free to hang out when he got back."
"She came to me saying, 'You're my BF now, and I used to sleep with him years ago, so I felt like this was something I needed to tell you about. He's not making romantic overtures now, but I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want conflict, and I don't want to accuse him of trying to get with me if he's not...what should I do?'"
"I told her, 'Reply that you and your boyfriend would be happy to meet him for coffee and hang out, and that'll show his intentions. If he's trying to get with you, it sends a clear signal you're taken, and if he's not interested in platonic friendship, he should back off."
"She agreed and said it's smart, and she even said if he tried to push and say something like, 'oh you can't hang out without your man?'"
"That she would fire back that she doesn't want to because she wants to protect the relationship."
"I thought it was settled."
"Fast forward to our anniversary dinner and his call."
"She didn't try to hide it; she just frowned, looked at me, and said 'sorry,' and turned the phone over."
"I asked if we were all going to be meeting up (per the previous conversation about him) and what the current situation was."
"And that's when she told me she never had that conversation with him and that she had just left him on read."
"I was annoyed."
"She got defensive."
"That frustration escalated, and finally she said, 'You just want me to make him feel bad so you feel good! You're trying to control me and make me do things your way when I just want to ignore him, and he will finally get the point and go away'."
"Her calling me controlling really hurt, but now I'm left wondering if I'm TAH for wanting her to deal with an ex the way I'm comfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
The Reddit community agreed that the OP had every right to feel uncomfortable with his girlfriend's behavior.
Everyone thought that it made no sense why the OP's girlfriend wouldn't make it clear to her former friend with benefits, with many urging the OP to seriously consider if staying in this relationship was a good idea:
"If she thinks that he'd feel bad that she's now in a relationship, then in her mind she knows exactly what he's up to and is not solidly shutting him down."
"NTA."- MyDirtyAlt79
“'You’re trying to control me'.”
"That statement is a problem."
"She doesn’t want to shut him down."
'She wants him to pursue her."
"She doesn’t care how you feel about it. It’s going to come to a head soon."
"I’d keep your eyes open and decide what your boundaries are because I foresee her crossing them."- rstock1962
"NTA."
"She's leaving her options open."- MainComedian1661
"NTA."
"I wouldn't date anyone who refused to tell their former f**k buddy that they had a partner now."
"Seems like she's leaving her options open."
"The controlling accusation is just bupkis."
"She's deflecting."- WifeofBath1984
'Time to end this relationship once the word controlling comes out."
"She is valuing the attention more than you and the relationship."- MembershipImpossible
The OP later returned with an update, sharing some new information his girlfriend had shared with him and where his relationship currently stood:
"We live in Asia, my GF is native here and speaks fluent English and she's (IMHO) very attractive."
"I'm white and not a fluent speaker of this country's language."
"The ex lover in question is also an expat in a foreign city."
"My GF is what a lot of immigrant guys fetishize and desire/chase based solely on the cute Asian girl fetish."
"My GF gets unsolicited attention and advances all the time."
"That part doesn't bother me - it's par for the course."
"Mostly, her just ignoring it is the way she goes, and it works.'
"This time though.."
"We spoke about it."
"She decided to 'come clean' about the details of their past 'situation'."
"Apparently (her words), he views her as 'the one that got away' and even told his mom back in his country about her and their relationship, when it was going on a few years ago."
"He moved to a different city a few years back and invited her to visit, and she did - in her words - 'as friends,' but he expected more and got mad when she didn't treat it like a couples weekend."
"About a year later he invited her on holiday to his friend's destination wedding and - her words - 'the place sounded cool so I decided to take a girls trip with my friends on our own and I did see him, and he introduced me to all of his childhood friends then but I swear to you I didn't sleep with him then and we haven't spoken in more than a year after that'."
'Now when she and I met, we hit it off strong and quick, and we actually traveled together within the first 3 months of dating, and I found out then that she had taken another guy to that same place we went to."
"I was curious about why she knew the place so well and had so many suggestions of things to do there since she had said she'd only visited once long ago."
"I called her out on being sketchy with details and acting cagey about it, and that's when she told me she'd actually been there within the past year with a FWB."
"I didn't love it, but eventually I went, 'Hey, that was before me; whatever, we are having a great time now'."
"In light of this new information about Mr. Yoga Pants and her traveling to him once when he first moved and then again for a destination wedding trip, AND his reaction of falling hard for her, it makes me question everything about our beginning and how she took the lead on traveling together to bond quickly."
"All this new information sits even worse with me."
"I'm floored."
"This is so much more intense of a thing than she ever made it out to be."
"She isn't just brushing off some guy that asked for her number at a coffee shop - she's refusing to end things with someone she says sees her as the one that got away that (as I see it) she strung along already, even though she knew how he felt."
"I'm taking time to calm down and cool off before I have any more conversations, if I have any."
It's unclear what kind of future, if any, the OP's girlfriend wants with this former paramour.
What she seems to be missing, however, is that having any sort of future with him will preclude her from having a relationship with the OP.
Harsh as it may seem, if the OP is looking for someone dedicated and committed, this woman may not be the best match.
