College Student Asks If It's 'Needy' To Expect Boyfriend To 'Put In Effort' To Go On Proper Dates

Dating isn't for the faint of heart.

Finding romance can be a lifelong journey.

And when people find people, they want to hope for the best.

But sometimes, not everyone is giving their best.

Redditor u/Head-Spread8831wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.

They asked:

"AITA for being 'needy' and wanting my b[oy]f[riend] (20 M[ale]) to put in actual effort?"

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

"I (19 F[emale]) keep going back and forth on whether I'm a needy brat or whether my standards are normal."

"I'm a sophomore in college."

"I met my boyfriend at the start of last year through my best friend."

"He's a year ahead of me and in a religious frat (not a stereotypical one; the guys are genuinely sweet and I love them)."

"We started dating in April, and it was awesome."

"We knew we'd be apart for the summer, so we spent a ton of time together, basically a month of sleepovers."

"We were so happy."

"Some context on me, because I think it matters."

"I've been in a few serious relationships, some over two years."

"I'm a people pleaser and the maternal one in every friend group, the girl who takes care of everyone."

"I also know I'm objectively attractive (bright blue eyes, long brown hair, the whole thing)."

"I'm not trying to sound cocky; I just don't usually have to beg for attention, which is why this has been so humbling."

"We're low-text, 2-3 texts a day and 2-3 hangouts a week, and I genuinely like that."

"I'm not clingy."

"But here's the loop we're stuck in."

"This year my best friend and my boyfriend live in rooms next to each other in the frat house, so I'm over there a lot."

"I walk over alone."

"I hang out with him and his friends."

"Later we hook up."

"Then I walk home alone."

"He has never walked me home."

"He almost never comes to my place."

"He's never hung out with me and my friends (I don't have a huge friend group, but I still make the effort)."

"And we have never been on a real date."

"The one time we tried, we ended up sitting next to his friends at a sports game, which is funny, but it kind of sums us up."

"A couple of weeks ago, we, me, him, and one of his friends were walking to class from his house, and he walked next to his friend the entire time, not me."

"I was right there."

"I get it, talk to your friends, but he lives with them, and I barely get him alone."

"We've been alone together maybe twice this semester."

"We have never gone anywhere, only grabbed food on campus."

"And when I try to cuddle at night, he turns over and says, 'stop.'"

"I'm lying there like... okay, goodnight, I guess."

"The part that really hurts is that at camp he promised me things wouldn't change when we got back."

"I felt like I was finally seeing who I really was, and then it all faded."

"Last night I told him over text that his lack of effort was becoming a problem."

"He apologized (he always does) and said literally nothing has changed from our conversations, and that it's unfair for me to expect so much when we'd only seen each other 4-5 times that week."

"He also said he's been in a rough place and doesn't know what else I want from him."

"He said, 'I want it to be different' and 'I love you,' but also that he's not sure if the relationship is good for either of us right now and doesn't know if breaking up would be a good idea long-term."

"What I want isn't much: one planned thing a week, a date or a sleepover where we watch a show, and a call at the end of the day asking how my day was."

"That's it."

The OP was left to wonder:

"So...AITA?"

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:

• NTA – Not The A**hole
• YTA – You're The A**hole
• NAH – No A**holes Here
• ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
• INFO - More Information Needed

Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.

"Sounds like you are just low-effort booty for him. Sorry." ~ dido_meditatur

"Exactly. If you aren’t going on dates, you have to go to his place, and then he hangs out with his friends until it’s time for sex, he’s not your boyfriend."

"You’re his booty call."

"And as a boyfriend, the bare minimum you should expect is dates, walking with you, and walking you to your car/dorm."

"If a guy won’t even make sure you get home safely on campus, then he’s not a good friend and absolutely not a good boyfriend."

"Your looks are irrelevant. "

"Every girl deserves to have a real boyfriend if that is what she wants, but that means recognizing when that’s not what the guy wants." ~ JustKindaHappenedxx

"NTA... you can break up for any reason, and you have plenty of them."

"He is clearly relying on friends and frat for support and only views you as a convenience."

"The hot/cold is ironically keeping you stuck longer."

"It’s a new year and time for you to spread your wings." ~ mutable_type

"NAH. He's not an AH for not 'making more effort.'"

"You're not an AH for wanting more effort."

"Objectively, one real date per week is not asking a lot for a 6-year marriage, let alone a 6-month relationship."

"He's not putting in more effort because he doesn't have to."

"You're giving him everything he wants."

"I suggest that you stop 'hanging out' at the frat."

"You can do that all at once, or reduce to twice a week, and then once a week."

"Try hanging out and then going home instead of hooking up (especially if he hasn't been attentive that evening)."

"The point is, you need to make this about doing what you want instead of making sure he's happy." ~ 1962Michael

"Sometimes things just don’t work out."

"It's better to know now than to try to hang on for months more."

"It could be he’s lost interest but wants to hold on to what he has."

"Happens a lot."

"Could be he’s bi or gay and attracted to one of his friends, but suppressing it?"

"Happens a lot, too."

"At this point you’re not getting your needs met, whatever the reason is."

"NTA and stop threatening to break up and just do it."

"You deserve someone who is a better match for you." ~ quats555

"Stop going to his place."

"If he starts making an effort either to go to your place or to make dates, and reliably puts in the effort, then he's acting like your BF, and you can start going back to him if you want."

"If he doesn't, he wasn't really acting like a boyfriend anyway; he was treating you like a booty call." ~ whenyajustcant

"NAH, you're just not compatible."

"It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, or him."

"He's probably not ready for a relationship, busy with class, going through something, or self-conscious."

"And you are ready for a deeper connection."

"That's great."

"But you won't find it with him."

"It's not your problem to fix."

"Time to move on. Begging for attention is beneath you." ~ zztopsboatswain

"From what’s said here, NTA."

"That being said, it could also be NAH."

"It sounds like your boyfriend is going with what’s convenient to him: hangs out with friends and does activities that are on campus."

"It was easier to give you focused attention during your sleepovers."

"He may not be able or ready to put in the amount of effort you need, even if your requests are reasonable."

"The big question is how you’re going to respond to his lack of effort."

"If he can’t rise to the occasion and this is something you need, you’re not wrong to walk away."

"If you decide you’ll hang in there and your desire for more time is more of a want than a need, it’s OK to hang in there and see where it goes."

"Just… keep an eye on how that treatment is affecting you."

"Please don’t let lack of effort translate to you thinking you aren’t worth the effort."

"That’s a bad road to go down and gets harder to get off of." ~ Able_Pay6016

"NTA, but I don't think you guys are on the same page."

"I'm reading, and it sounds like a Friends With Benefits situation."

"Do both of you officially identify as boyfriend and girlfriend, or is it just unspoken and assumed?"

"I'll be honest with you,"

"I was an as*hole in college, and I had multiple relationships like you described, and I made sure we didn't label each other as BF and GF."

"At the time, I was extremely immature."

"I had a serious girlfriend for 6 years from high school to UNI, and it got to the point where marriage was on the horizon, but I was scared to express my feelings; I just knew I wasn't ready for the commitment."

"I ended the relationship as a result, as I wanted to experience dating others."

"Then in college I did just that; I dated around, and I avoided women that were perfect matches for me because I didn't want to commit early."

"After university, my lifestyle changed, and I was ready to settle down, and I happened to meet my wife, with whom I had so much in common, and after 2 years together we got married."

"At your age, one thing I found when dating was that many women I dated also weren't looking for marriage on the horizon yet, and almost all of the women I dated wanted me to focus on school first and put them second."

"They all wanted me to do well in school."

"One woman I dated was the opposite and wanted me to drop everything for her every time, and if I said we can't see each other cause I wanted to go to a study group before midterms, she would throw a fit, and we would break up, and then I spent days having to try to get back in her good graces."

"It was too much effort required."

"I was a people pleaser, so I wanted her to be happy, and it did mentally drain me." ~ Ok_Fisherman8727

Reddit is with you, OP.

Relationships require effort from all parties.

Don't feel bad.

But... he may not be the one.

Good Luck.