Getting laid off is nothing to be scoffed at, and recently Redditor flatsoda-97 got her own taste of this experience. The Original Poster (OP) had to say goodbye to her well-paying job in marketing.
She was the breadwinner between herself and her boyfriend, paying their bills for the last four years.
Her boyfriend is an Amazon driver, making significantly less money. He also requires a ride to work due to a suspended license and no car.
Before she lost her job, the OP regularly provided him rides without asking for any reimbursement of gas or expenses, but now that her purse strings have gotten tighter things have changed.
The OP recently asked her boyfriend to pay for half of her gas, and that request was met with a bit of shock.
This drove the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for suggesting my minimum wage and part time boyfriend pay me back for half of my gas for taking him to and from work everyday?"
She went on to explain:
"My [27-year-old Female] boyfriend [36-year-old Male] of 8 years works at the Amazon distribution center and I am the one to give him rides to and from work..."
"...as he works overnights and I worked days. He does have a friend who takes him to work 1 time a week. I also take him to appointments when needed and to the gym daily."
"He does not have a car or license at this time due to several unpaid speeding and parking tickets."
"So about three weeks ago, I was laid off from my job in marketing."
"I was making about $55 an hour and holding things down at home with the mortgage and bills without any issues..."
"...so I never found it necessary to ask him for gas money to take him to work and home. I figure he works hard and doesn't get paid much, so why make things worse for him?"
"I fill up my gas tank about one time a week for $60. I understand that he is making only $16 an hour and working only about 24 hours per week."
"I am also privileged to have gotten a master's degree, so I can see how charging him for gas may be an a**hole move."
"But now that I am unemployed and living on much less from unemployment, I am on a budget."
"I feel like I'm making changes to my lifestyle, such as letting go of my personal training sessions, going natural with my nails, and avoiding overconsumption."
"So on Thursday I asked him about paying to fill up my tank once every two weeks, and I'll pay the other two weeks..."
"...and he got really upset and told me how much easier life has been for me and how I take that for granted."
"He also says he doesn't have the money to pay $120 a month for gas (which is understandable because he only makes about $350 every week)..."
"...even though I have been paying all the bills since we moved in together four years ago. I told him that I am not a free Uber service and I feel taken advantage of at times."
"He still has avoided talking to me about the matter."
"Am I the a**hole in the situation?"
"TL;DR I lost my decent paying job and am on unemployment and am asking my minimum wage part-time work boyfriend, who is unlicensed, to pay for the gas I use..."
"...to pick him up now due to finances. AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"Pleeeeaaase tell me he's not on the deed to your house."
"Can't keep a license because he drives irresponsibly and doesn't pay his fines, works minimum wage part time, thinks it's your responsibility to chauffeur him around and pay for the privilege..."
"...pays no bills, started a relationship with a teenager when he was almost thirty. He is not a winner."
"Edit: NTA" - TerrifyinglyAlive
"He's a 36-year-old grown-a** man only working part-time because you've been footing ALL the bills for the past four years."
"Now he's got a sense of entitlement, outraged that you would dare to ask him to pay for the gas he's using. Now you're getting the silent treatment because you dared to speak the truth."
"He needs to get a full-time job and start contributing. As your partner, he should be trying to make your life easier."
"You're stressed out because you just lost a job. So what does he do to help? Tell you how easy it's been for you?"
"What does he do in his spare time (which he has a lot of), play video games? How else does he contribute, if not financially?"
"Does he clean the house? Does he do more than 50% of the housework since you've been paying all the bills?"
"Sure seems like you're getting played. You might be a chump, but you are NTA." - wordsmythy
"You know your boyfriend had more disposable income than you for the last eight years?"
"You make $55$ per hour, but you paid all expenses. You likely have less than $10$ per hour left after taxes, mortgage, car payment, gas, insurance, and groceries."
"Meanwhile he lives like a teenager, with all his income being disposable income. " - Direct-Nail5176
"Why is a 36M still working part-time and without a car?"
"Yes, there can be a lot of valid temporary/emergency reasons for it but if it's his normal situation, OP, take this layoff as the blessing it can be and jettison yourself from this dead weight."
"YOU LOST YOUR JOB and he's complaining about giving you money to help cover gas to HIS job? No!"
"4 years together, and you still pay all the bills? If he's told you you're privileged for getting a master's or the AH for asking for gas money, you have been gaslit."
"Now is the perfect time for a start-over girl." - OkHistory3944
"NTA, this guy seems like a loser. Do you plan on carrying him through the rest of his life like a baby too? Because his plan is fully to coast on you" - TheTurtleShepard
"F*ck me, how broken are you that you think this is okay?"
"Your bf works hard!? Oh please."
"It sounds like you take care of literally everything in your lives and old mate still living his life like he in his 20's..."
"...only working part-time at a minimum wage at a job he apparently can't even get himself to because ???"
"He was so irresponsible that he got numerous fines and did nothing about it till they suspended his license? And what does a lack of license have to do with a lack of a car?"
"Lemme guess his last /current car is f*cked and/or impounded neither of which according to him is his fault?"
"The motherf*cker is broke but still finds the money for the gym too? Which he also can't get to by himself. You're not his partner. You're his bang maid/mum."
"You have bigger problems than your 36-year-old! Your boyfriend is not paying for gas. What does he contribute to the household and/or relationship other than adding problems?"
"He's 36 years old, old enough to be working hard towards getting a better than minimum wage or at least a full-time position."
"...and being able to get himself to and from places besides relying on his mum. Sorry I mean 'gf'*"
"NTA" - Complete_Breakfast_1
"He was 28, and you were 19. There's a reason why he went for someone so young! No 28-year-old woman would have liked to be with someone who has no ambition and is a freeloader."
"He's still the same eight years later. Are you still the same? Don't you feel that you deserve more? You only live once, and it could be sooo much more and better" - Possible-Way1234
"Can we skip back to the part where your 36 y/o bf works part-time? What does he do the rest of the time?"
"Is he going to school? Does he take care of the majority of the household chores? How does he contribute to your life & relationship other than mooching rides everywhere from you?" - bogo0814
"NTA, so here is the thing, you cant afford the gas, is it possible for him to take the bus or any public transport? If the answer to that is no, then the answer for you is right there."
"'I can't afford the gas to get your a** to work, you either carpool or pay for it yourself or get a license and pay for it, I am not your chauffeur'" - -_BitterSweet_-
"NTA. Your 36 yr old bf, is still acting like a 16 yr old kid. And as long as you are paying his way, he will not change."
"And tbh, even if he were still living with his parents, he would probably do the same. I think maybe it's time to part ways with him so he can grow up. - MoetNChandon
"At nearly 30, he started dating a teenager."
"In 8 years together, you completed your schooling and got your masters, got a marketing job making $55 an hour, purchased your own home, and established yourself as a functional adult."
"At the same time, he's lost his license because he drove carelessly and didn't pay his fines and managed to work part-time for minimum wage."
"He has you chauffeur him around and doesn't even chip in for gas, and then has the audacity to want you to put him on the deed to your home..."
"...which he doesn't pay toward because he was raised to believe the man should have ownership of property?"
"What other 'traditional' values does he have? Let me guess, you do the cooking and cleaning on top of full time work, and he says it's because he works nights and needs to sleep all day?"
"Forget asking him for gas money. Ask him to pack his sh*t and get out of your life. You are supporting a man who is nearly 40 and has done nothing for himself or you."
"NTA except to yourself if you stay in this relationship." - jigglypufff17
Red flags abound.
What do you think the OP should do about this situation? Let us know in the comments.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.