Marriage is always an adjustment.
Even though you may have been with your partner for years prior and firmly believe they are the undisputed love of your life, there are always bound to be certain issues that come out during marriage that you hadn't previously noticed.
Including things that might have seemed inconsequential prior to marriage but now seem insufferable.
While many couples will understandably try to find common ground and reach a compromise in these areas, it isn't always as easy as it looks.
Redditor disscheissehurts recently made a big life change with her husband, requiring her to make some significant sacrifices in her life.
However, the one sacrifice the original poster (OP) hadn't yet made was one her husband was slowly beginning to put his foot down on.
The OP was not so easily persuaded, despite her husband's claims that her behavior could be detrimental to their marriage.
Wondering if she was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for 'wanting to still play video games' after being married?"
The OP explained why she was less than willing to oblige her husband's request:
"I recently moved to Germany to be with my husband."
"Hence, I have left everything I didn't need or couldn't bring — which, of course, included my gaming PC."
"My husband knows I've been to gaming ever since."
"However, recently he has made me feel the need to move on from it."
"His POV:"
"Gaming does not help us in the future."
"I kind of understand what he's saying — cause literally it won't help us financially or whatever."
"I should find a new hobby that will help us in the future (?)."
"My POV:"
"I barely speak German, the weather is sh*t here."
"And gaming makes me feel less homesick."
"This has been my hobby ever since, and I enjoy doing it."
"Period."
"That's it."
"I've settled for playing on my MAC until it wouldn't charge anymore."
"Hence, I found the perfect opportunity to replace it with a new rig, but my husband again is saying, 'how can this help us?'"
"What I don't understand:"
"Does everything we do in life have to 'help' us?"
"Can't we entertain the thought that people have hobbies and other interests?"
"Can't we accept the fact that although we are married, we are still two different individuals?"
"Who has separate hobbies and interests?"
"I wanted to buy the rig and not tell him and just come home with it, but I wanted to include him in the process."
"So I told him I wanted to and instead did not get the emotional support or validation I was hoping for."
"So now I am upset."
"He has hobbies and interests too, but I have done nothing but cheer him on and support him."
"My mentality is — life is too short not to enjoy the little things that make you happy."
"When I tell him how I feel, he brushes me off, saying he does not want to argue with a 10-year-old."
"I love him."
"And despite it all, i know he loves me."
"Just not the way I need to be loved I guess."
"Oh in addition to this, he has a PC."
"When I asked him for the password, he said he gave it to me before (I don't remember, that's why I ask), but he didn't give it directly."
"Thus making me feel like he just doesn't want to let me borrow?"
"He also says I should just play with the PS5?"
"BUT I'm not a console gamer."
"I don't enjoy it HENCE it makes me feel like THAT is a waste of time."
"I am 30 F[emale], my last job before getting laid off was for a gaming company (a pretty big one too)."
"I've been working the last 10 years after finishing my MA degree in different industries as a Marketing professional, so I have a bit of money saved up prior to moving."
"Plus my parents are ok, we are comfortable in my home country."
"My SO is German 30 M[ale], I am Southeast Asian."
"We have been in a relationship for 5 years, and I recently just moved to DE this January."
"I currently do not have work, since I just moved."
"I practice my German when I go to the supermarkt or with my husband's family."
"I watch TV series that are in Deutsch and indulge myself in German memes even though I don't understand half of them (so I am trying and not locking myself up)."
"I am not asking him to pay for my rig, I have money to buy my own."
"I am, for one, including him in this decision since I don't ever want him to feel blindsided even though this is my money."
"What I wanted was a bit of support and validation from him for me to go enjoy my hobby."
"Am I the a**hole for wanting to play video games as a married woman? Should I just make my life about being a wife and a future mom?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community. unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for wanting to continue gaming.
Everyone agreed that the only thing that could hurt the OP's marriage down the line was not her interest in gaming, but instead her husband's controlling nature:
"NTA."
"I've had friends SO into gaming that it hurt their relationships, but a healthy amount of gaming is fine."
"Not every hobby has to 'help us.'"
"It's a hobby."
"Not everything has to be pragmatic."
"I don't really understand this whole dynamic."
"He only wants you to participate in hobbies that help you, but he's fine with you playing on your MAC or the PS5?"
"But then he won't give you the password to his PC and won't let you get your own...?"
"That's weird and inconsistent."
"Sounds to me like he just doesn't want you to have an PC."- SmackoftheGods
"NTA."
"He's incredibly rude and controlling."
"It might just be coming out now that you're married and in a new country where you don't speak the language and know no one but him."
"Right now, you are isolated and vulnerable."
"'I don't want to argue with a 10 year old' is a really gross way to talk to your adult wife!"-Fun_Breakfast697
"NTA!"
"I, as a German woman, can tell you that the guy you've married is not the best of the German men that are out there."
"Actually, reading what you've posted he seems like a real sh*tty individual!"
"Not kidding - kein Spaß!"
"Why does he want to cut you of off the only hobby you enjoy?"
"Well, he said you can find other hobbies but... why?"
"I'm going to assume that you haven't a gaming/gambling addiction."
"And this means your husband's demands are ridiculous."
"If you (for yourself!) want to presume a hobby I can recommend the VOLKSHOCHSCHULE."
"Those semi-federal schools are existent in every federal state/cities/and even small villages."
"And they have a broad offer of courses: starting from getting more skilled in German/learning Finish/pottery/welding/yoga."
"You haven't revealed your gender and age, but you sound like a woman in her twenties... it might help."
"For me and others if you can share that titbit because... because sometimes life experience and age are indeed good advisors."- DerNachtflieger
"NTA, video games do help you, it helps you relax and destress while having fun."
"Studies also show it helps with reaction time, hand eye coronation, problem solving and spatial awareness."
"But beyond all that."
"A hobby isn't supposed to help you in the future...it's a form of enjoyment to enrich your life."
"Only doing things that benefit you might be good if you wanted to min max life but that feels sad and soulless to me."- ZelaAmaryills
"NTA."
"Sounds like your husband hid his true colors til he trapped you."- Accomplished_Area311
"So your husband expects you to monetize your free time?"
"Sounds pretty controlling."
"Seems like he just wants to sh*t on anything you do, and expects you to change yourself to something that he would prefer."
"NTA. Also, my wife and I game together."
"He can get f*cked."- NaraFei_Jenova
"NTA."
"OP it's a pretty well recorded phenomenon for men to put up a really amazing front, seem like an amazing, kind, accepting partner, then flip a switch into being extremely abusive once they 'lock in' their partner, whether through marriage or childbirth/pregnancy."
"It's really, really concerning reading your comments and seeing that he only started this up after essentially isolating you."
"He got you away from friends and family, has you in a foreign country where you don't particularly understand the language, and he's immediately using that control to start testing at you."
"First, it's demanding you drop a harmless hobby that makes you happy."
"If you do, it'll be some other thing he wants to control, then another, and another, until you're so deep in control and abuse, it'll be incredibly hard to get out."
"Also, not giving you the PC password is bullsh*t."
"He just doesn't want you to have access to it for some reason, and pretty much no answer is good."
"Unless you're some shut in who games 10 hours a day you should be completely fine to continue gaming."
"Demand the PC password."
"You aren't making it a problem, he made this a problem the moment he decided to be a dick and play stupid 'I told you earlier' games."
"And seriously look over other aspects of your relationship."- EthanEpiale
It is absolutely possible to have too much of a good thing.
Should the OP be prioritizing gaming over everything else? That would definitely be a problem.
However, seeing as gaming seems to be, above all else, a source of comfort for the OP as she gets used to her new home, taking that away from her looks borderline cruel.
Especially considering the OP has remained silent regarding her husband's hobbies.
The OP's husband might want to consider what is more important to him: having a wife who enjoys gaming occasionally or not having a wife at all.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp