Marriage is always an adjustment.
Even though you may have been with your partner for years prior and firmly believe they are the undisputed love of your life, there are always bound to be certain issues that come out during marriage that you hadn’t previously noticed.
Including things that might have seemed inconsequential prior to marriage but now seem insufferable.
While many couples will understandably try to find common ground and reach a compromise in these areas, it isn’t always as easy as it looks.
Redditor disscheissehurts recently made a big life change with her husband, requiring her to make some significant sacrifices in her life.
However, the one sacrifice the original poster (OP) hadn’t yet made was one her husband was slowly beginning to put his foot down on.
The OP was not so easily persuaded, despite her husband’s claims that her behavior could be detrimental to their marriage.
Wondering if she was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for ‘wanting to still play video games’ after being married?”
The OP explained why she was less than willing to oblige her husband’s request:
“I recently moved to Germany to be with my husband.”
“Hence, I have left everything I didn’t need or couldn’t bring — which, of course, included my gaming PC.”
“My husband knows I’ve been to gaming ever since.”
“However, recently he has made me feel the need to move on from it.”
“His POV:”
“Gaming does not help us in the future.”
“I kind of understand what he’s saying — cause literally it won’t help us financially or whatever.”
“I should find a new hobby that will help us in the future (?).”
“My POV:”
“I barely speak German, the weather is sh*t here.”
“And gaming makes me feel less homesick.”
“This has been my hobby ever since, and I enjoy doing it.”
“Period.”
“That’s it.”
“I’ve settled for playing on my MAC until it wouldn’t charge anymore.”
“Hence, I found the perfect opportunity to replace it with a new rig, but my husband again is saying, ‘how can this help us?’”
“What I don’t understand:”
“Does everything we do in life have to ‘help’ us?”
“Can’t we entertain the thought that people have hobbies and other interests?”
“Can’t we accept the fact that although we are married, we are still two different individuals?”
“Who has separate hobbies and interests?”
“I wanted to buy the rig and not tell him and just come home with it, but I wanted to include him in the process.”
“So I told him I wanted to and instead did not get the emotional support or validation I was hoping for.”
“So now I am upset.”
“He has hobbies and interests too, but I have done nothing but cheer him on and support him.”
“My mentality is — life is too short not to enjoy the little things that make you happy.”
“When I tell him how I feel, he brushes me off, saying he does not want to argue with a 10-year-old.”
“I love him.”
“And despite it all, i know he loves me.”
“Just not the way I need to be loved I guess.”
“Oh in addition to this, he has a PC.”
“When I asked him for the password, he said he gave it to me before (I don’t remember, that’s why I ask), but he didn’t give it directly.”
“Thus making me feel like he just doesn’t want to let me borrow?”
“He also says I should just play with the PS5?”
“BUT I’m not a console gamer.”
“I don’t enjoy it HENCE it makes me feel like THAT is a waste of time.”
“I am 30 F[emale], my last job before getting laid off was for a gaming company (a pretty big one too).”
“I’ve been working the last 10 years after finishing my MA degree in different industries as a Marketing professional, so I have a bit of money saved up prior to moving.”
“Plus my parents are ok, we are comfortable in my home country.”
“My SO is German 30 M[ale], I am Southeast Asian.”
“We have been in a relationship for 5 years, and I recently just moved to DE this January.”
“I currently do not have work, since I just moved.”
“I practice my German when I go to the supermarkt or with my husband’s family.”
“I watch TV series that are in Deutsch and indulge myself in German memes even though I don’t understand half of them (so I am trying and not locking myself up).”
“I am not asking him to pay for my rig, I have money to buy my own.”
“I am, for one, including him in this decision since I don’t ever want him to feel blindsided even though this is my money.”
“What I wanted was a bit of support and validation from him for me to go enjoy my hobby.”
“Am I the a**hole for wanting to play video games as a married woman? Should I just make my life about being a wife and a future mom?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community. unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for wanting to continue gaming.
Everyone agreed that the only thing that could hurt the OP’s marriage down the line was not her interest in gaming, but instead her husband’s controlling nature:
“NTA.”
“I’ve had friends SO into gaming that it hurt their relationships, but a healthy amount of gaming is fine.”
“Not every hobby has to ‘help us.'”
“It’s a hobby.”
“Not everything has to be pragmatic.”
“I don’t really understand this whole dynamic.”
“He only wants you to participate in hobbies that help you, but he’s fine with you playing on your MAC or the PS5?”
“But then he won’t give you the password to his PC and won’t let you get your own…?”
“That’s weird and inconsistent.”
“Sounds to me like he just doesn’t want you to have an PC.”- SmackoftheGods
“NTA.”
“He’s incredibly rude and controlling.”
“It might just be coming out now that you’re married and in a new country where you don’t speak the language and know no one but him.”
“Right now, you are isolated and vulnerable.”
“‘I don’t want to argue with a 10 year old’ is a really gross way to talk to your adult wife!”-Fun_Breakfast697
“NTA!”
“I, as a German woman, can tell you that the guy you’ve married is not the best of the German men that are out there.”
“Actually, reading what you’ve posted he seems like a real sh*tty individual!”
“Not kidding – kein Spaß!”
“Why does he want to cut you of off the only hobby you enjoy?”
“Well, he said you can find other hobbies but… why?”
“I’m going to assume that you haven’t a gaming/gambling addiction.”
“And this means your husband’s demands are ridiculous.”
“If you (for yourself!) want to presume a hobby I can recommend the VOLKSHOCHSCHULE.”
“Those semi-federal schools are existent in every federal state/cities/and even small villages.”
“And they have a broad offer of courses: starting from getting more skilled in German/learning Finish/pottery/welding/yoga.”
“You haven’t revealed your gender and age, but you sound like a woman in her twenties… it might help.”
“For me and others if you can share that titbit because… because sometimes life experience and age are indeed good advisors.”- DerNachtflieger
“NTA, video games do help you, it helps you relax and destress while having fun.”
“Studies also show it helps with reaction time, hand eye coronation, problem solving and spatial awareness.”
“But beyond all that.”
“A hobby isn’t supposed to help you in the future…it’s a form of enjoyment to enrich your life.”
“Only doing things that benefit you might be good if you wanted to min max life but that feels sad and soulless to me.”- ZelaAmaryills
“NTA.”
“Sounds like your husband hid his true colors til he trapped you.”- Accomplished_Area311
“So your husband expects you to monetize your free time?”
“Sounds pretty controlling.”
“Seems like he just wants to sh*t on anything you do, and expects you to change yourself to something that he would prefer.”
“NTA. Also, my wife and I game together.”
“He can get f*cked.”- NaraFei_Jenova
“NTA.”
“OP it’s a pretty well recorded phenomenon for men to put up a really amazing front, seem like an amazing, kind, accepting partner, then flip a switch into being extremely abusive once they ‘lock in’ their partner, whether through marriage or childbirth/pregnancy.”
“It’s really, really concerning reading your comments and seeing that he only started this up after essentially isolating you.”
“He got you away from friends and family, has you in a foreign country where you don’t particularly understand the language, and he’s immediately using that control to start testing at you.”
“First, it’s demanding you drop a harmless hobby that makes you happy.”
“If you do, it’ll be some other thing he wants to control, then another, and another, until you’re so deep in control and abuse, it’ll be incredibly hard to get out.”
“Also, not giving you the PC password is bullsh*t.”
“He just doesn’t want you to have access to it for some reason, and pretty much no answer is good.”
“Unless you’re some shut in who games 10 hours a day you should be completely fine to continue gaming.”
“Demand the PC password.”
“You aren’t making it a problem, he made this a problem the moment he decided to be a dick and play stupid ‘I told you earlier’ games.”
“And seriously look over other aspects of your relationship.”- EthanEpiale
It is absolutely possible to have too much of a good thing.
Should the OP be prioritizing gaming over everything else? That would definitely be a problem.
However, seeing as gaming seems to be, above all else, a source of comfort for the OP as she gets used to her new home, taking that away from her looks borderline cruel.
Especially considering the OP has remained silent regarding her husband’s hobbies.
The OP’s husband might want to consider what is more important to him: having a wife who enjoys gaming occasionally or not having a wife at all.