For LGBTQ people who come from more conservative and unwelcoming places, returning home can be fraught with anxiety and pain from past trauma--and it can easily stir up conflict with their families.
A gay man on Reddit found himself embroiled in this sort of drama when he told his ailing parents he has no intention of moving back to his conservative Christian hometown to care for them.
He wasn't sure about his response, so he went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by sudo-kill-dash-nine on the site, asked:
"AITA: Refusing to move back home to care for elderly parents."
He explained:
"Me: 1st born gay son, reasonably successful professional who moved away from small town to a hyper-liberal west coast city. I know own a home with my BF of 10 years."
"My parents health has taken a turn for the worse and the family is starting to make less and less subtle hints that they expect me to return to home. I am on very good relations with my mom and dad- I visit them every year and support them financially. They've always dropped hints about me moving back but now the situation has gotten more dire."
"The problem is: I hate my hometown. It's tiny little place in the middle of nowhere. I have lots of bad memories of growing up in that place, (did I mention I'm a gay man?) and even when I visit, it's just like I remember. Nobody wears a mask, the most important talking subject is always college football and, of course, absolutely zero goods jobs."
"Worst of all, your literally surrounded and out-numbered by Republicans/Conservatives/Christians. I hate hate hate it."
"So I told my parents that they can move to my city whenever they wish, but when the time comes and I am given Power of Attorney, I plan on selling their home and moving them across the country to live in my ADU. There is absolutely zero chance I'm moving back home- if anyone moves, it will be my parents who get moved."
"Now, EVERYONE in my extended family is angry at me. I'm getting tons of angry texts from my aunt and my mom won't stop crying."
Redditors were then asked to judge who is in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And though this is a difficult topic, most Redditors agreed that OP shouldn't have to make this sacrifice.
"NTA"
"There is a very simple solution to this. "This is where my job is. I can't afford to move to backwater town as there are no equal job opportunities." That is the end of the discussion."
"You didn't choose to be born, you absolutely do not have to give up your job your life and your BF (cause moving back home with him in tow to homophobia land is not exactly a realistic safe or mentally healthy option. And if they push that is also a big bit of truth to pile on."
"The other question that you should be asking is why all these relatives who actually live in your home town can not help out your parents. Your parents can make provision for their old age that doesn't include you." --Whitestaunton
"NTA. Don't give up your life for your parents. You seem to already be supporting them more than enough. If they want to be close to you, they can move. I understand that it makes them sad, but they need to realize that you don't live for them. And if they don't want to move, it sounds like they have plenty of relatives around who can take care of them. Maybe try to visit them more often but that's all I'd do." --Nee_le
"NTA. Ask the one who who text if you they would like to step up and take care of your parents? They would say no? Then I would give their texts and them absolutely zero attention."
"You mom and dad have to know how hard it was for you to grow up in a town like that? Do they really expect you to abandon the life you have made to go back there? What about your boyfriend? Do they expect him to come along, too? What if he doesn't want to? I don't think you should have to give up your life."
"Perhaps there is an assisted living facility in their town or something similar so they can stay where they are and be taken care of that does not involve you giving up your life and moving back to Homophobiaville" --SnazzySusieQ
"Don't be too sure they did know how hard it was for him. Parents often ignore trauma of their gay children, right under their nose. Even if they did know, they may not have cared. As much as many people like to think they are not homophobic, the proof is in the pudding, when their child tells them they are gay. Then you see the intolerance seeping out of their pores." --KarenMaca
"You wrote "1st born"....where are your other siblings?"
"Secondly - you probably won't be able to support them financially if you move back. What's more difficult to replace, your presence or your financial support? Probably your financial support and you can also manage their finances better than most if you achieved a pretty good life. But - someone else will need to step up and be that physical presence." --valley-cpa
"NTA at all"
"Being gay in a small Christian town is literally torture"
"And FYI even if you weren't gay, it's still an unreasonable request. If you moved back I doubt you would be able to afford to take care of them. Plus it's generally unreasonable to expect children to move back across the country for aging parents."
"If your aunts are this much in on it, ask why they don't take in your parents themselves" --RedLeatherWhip
"NTA."
"Wanted to add that it is torture being straight and liberal and visiting bigoted places much less living there. Not to mention the loss of services that we in maligned west coast liberal cities take for granted and enjoy."
"OP stay put without guilt. Your parents will enjoy your ADU, Senior Citizen Centers, libraries, beaches, and mountains." --Dingolini
"NTA. You're not wrong for not wanting to move back to your hometown. They aren't wrong for wanting to stay in their home, either. They *are* wrong for expecting you to move back, however."
"But you need to have a conversation with them about this. There are other options besides your moving back to your hometown and moving them across the country. Maybe another relative can assume responsibility for their care or you can hire someone. At the very least, listen them so they feel heard." --Arbor_Arabicae
"Went through this with my parents. They were VERY resistant to independent/assisted living. I think they assumed it was a nursing home and like a hospital vs. a home. I finally talked my Mom into touring a nearby place and she loved it. Once she saw they would still have their own place - her own kitchen (but could get meal delivery through their restaurant), no yard work to worry about, W/D in her unit rather than dealing with the stairs to the basement, etc....she couldn't move in fast enough."
"There is a whole industry devoted to senior living to make things easier on them and allow them to live full lives in a safe environment." --blanchekitty
"OP - NO ONE has the right to bully you into this situation. If they don't like it, they are welcome to step up and help your parents."
"The better situation would be for you to get some local caregivers (paid) and have them look after your parents. Your parents love where they are just as much as you hate it. You are already taking financial responsibility for them (love you for this!!) - adjust whatever you need to cover the cost of care."
"I will guess it is a LOT less in their area than in yours. You might even be able to find a suitable live-in "housekeeper" to cook, clean, drive, and provide basic assistance to them. I wish you the very best of luck." --AlbanyBarbiedoll
"NTA - they're asking you to give up your life and move back to a town that you have horrific memories of? That's pretty ballsy of them. If there are people looking for a huge favor, then to me, the onus is on them to bend and change things more than the other person. Meaning - your parents should move to where you are to get the help they need."
"You're not obligated to give up your life and turn into a slave for them because they're needing help. That's not how any of this works." --Lurkingentropy
Hopefully OP and his family can come to a solution that works for everyone.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp