And over time resentment and grudges sometimes tend to build when not discussed.
Traumatic events will often be in the mix of these issues.
So, how do people learn to move past those feelings?
Is it even possible?
Redditor Key_Atmosphere6114 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my wife that she needs to get over me missing the birth of our daughter?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I work in a job where there are certain times that I do not have access to my phone or I am in the middle of nowhere.”
“These times are well scheduled in advance and basically take up my whole day.”
“There are a ton of safety regulations I have to follow during this time.”
“My wife was pregnant, and at the time, I planned to take off work near her due date.”
“Unfortunately, she went into labor early (about a month early), and I was on an inspection.”
“I only learned about her going into labor when I got a signal again.”
“By the time I got to the hospital, she had already given birth.”
“This was about 1.5 years ago and I am a very involved father.”
“The issue is every single time we argue, she will bring up that I missed the birth.”
“It happens almost every single time, from serious arguments to what fast food we should get.”
“Today was my breaking point. We argued about her wanting to change the daycare situation.”
“She wants to change daycare to one closer to the home.”
“I do drop off, and she does pick up.”
“The only one closer to our home is too expensive, and we can not afford it.”
“In the middle of the argument she pulled out I wasn’t there for the birth again.”
“I told her she needs to get over that and stop using it in every f**king argument we have.”
“She called me a jerk and left.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“INFO: Did she have anyone with her during the birth?”
“Did the baby have to stay in hospital after birth for more than a few days?”
“I ask because I was like your wife.”
“In a way I still am, but I’ve talked about it both to a therapist and my ex that missed the birth.”
“It’s scary, and I’d hazard a guess a little traumatic, too. That doesn’t mean she gets a free pass to throw it in your face at every disagreement.”
“BUT if she’s still hurting from it, don’t expect it to go away with one conversation.”
“NTA and I hope you guys can get through it together.” ~ Feelinggross99
“You are NTA.”
“I hate to call your wife TA but she is.”
“I suspect that she was stressed, scared, etc, that she couldn’t reach you.”
“It’s scary to go into labor a month early.”
“You need to sit her down.”
“Remind her that you two love each other, you are married, you have a child.”
“You hate that you missed the birth of your baby, but it happened.”
“You can’t change it. She can’t change it.”
“And you are here NOW.”
“If you have any future kids, you both know how to have the emergency number saved in her phone.”
“Sometimes people in jobs like yours can take a different role at work when the due date is within a month, where you can be closer and on call.”
“If you think it’s a possibility, tell her you’ll talk to your employer about that for any future kids.”
“It might not have made a difference with the early arrival of the current kid.”
“But she has to stop this.”
“You weren’t out drinking with friends, you didn’t intentionally miss her calls, and I’m guessing you much rather would have been there when your baby was born.”
“This wasn’t on purpose.”
“Again, you are here NOW.”
“You can both take it as a learning experience and know how to handle emergencies better in the future.” ~ CaRiSsA504
“NTA. This is the definition of both ‘not fighting fair’ and ‘concealing the real issue.'”
“You didn’t miss the birth due to negligence or apathy. You missed it due to work requirements.”
“Work is what (I assume) provides income and other necessities.”
“Does she think you should have predicted early labor and what, quit your job?”
“I recommend counseling to hopefully work past this because her continuing to bring it up for this long is a sign that something else is really the issue.”
“Does she not want you working that job?”
“Is she deflecting from some other marital issue?”
“Does she think you aren’t involved enough?” ~ C_Majuscula
“It sounds like you need to get to the REAL root of her issue.”
“Of course, she is upset you missed it, but even she certainly understands it was unavoidable!”
“There’s something else going on and perhaps some couples counseling can help.”
“Or a real sit-down conversation, talk it out, and ask why she brings it up all of the time.”
“It’s either an effort to hurt and gaslight you or there is something deeper.”
“Just sounds mean.” ~ GimmeUrNachos
“NTA but I wouldn’t have brought it up at that moment, during the heat of an argument.”
“I would wait till after things cooled down and talk to her and say how hurtful it is that she keeps bringing that up and that she knows that you had no control over it.”
“If she keeps trying to use it against you, that’d be a more serious conversation.” ~ SkykingThrGreat
“Two options then, neither great.”
“1- She isn’t actually fine with it but won’t communicate that when things are going okay.”
“2- She is fine with it but knows that it’s something that hurts you and uses it as a weapon when upset.”
“Either way, NTA, but some counseling might be a good idea.” ~ D20IsHowIRoll
“It was probably more traumatic than she wants to admit.”
“It sounds like it was her first child, and going into labor a month early is really scary.”
“I did with my first as well, I would have been an absolute mess if my husband wasn’t there.”
“It took me over a year to stop blaming myself for the early labor.”
“I would suggest some couples counseling to make sure it is all processed.”
“I don’t think it’s your fault for missing the birth, but she might feel a little insecure now like she can’t ‘trust’ you to be there when she really needs it because (through no fault of your own) you weren’t there for such a giant thing.” ~ Shot-Pomelo8442
“NTA. You had made plans to be there but due to your job, you had no way of knowing that the baby came early.”
“While it’s understandable for her to have wished you could be there, she needs to accept that it’s not your fault, that there was nothing you could have done.”
“And more importantly, she really should not be constantly bringing this up anytime you two have an argument.”
“Marriage counseling might help, but ultimately, this is entirely on her.”
“She needs to accept how things went down on the day of the birth.”
“Or if she can’t accept it then she should divorce you.”
“But she can’t just continue with this weird middle ground where she keeps raising this.” ~ cascadia1979
“The problem with her continuously bringing it up is it also reminds you that you were not able to be there when you wanted to be.”
“Sounds like it was a once-in-a-lifetime event you wanted it attend.”
“She is reminding you of your own sadness of missing the event.”
“You can’t fix it. Life happens.”
“Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and get back up otherwise you just end up down and out.”
“You’re telling her to get over it, but I think you mean we need to move past it.”
“It’s unfixable.”
“It’s a serious hurt though.”
“You do not want to continuously pick at the scab.”
“You want to heal from that.”
“Have a conversation to let her know how it hurts you to be reminded. NTA.” ~ tallcardsfan
“NTA. It’s petty to keep bringing it up, especially when it has nothing to do with what you are talking/arguing about.”
“It’s basically her admitting she has no more points to make and is down to making cheap shots.”
“You had no control over the fact that you were out of contact at the time.”
“What matters is that you are a good father, not that you were there at the birth.”
“So, yes, it’s time she got over this.” ~ bamf1701
“NTA. This is something your wife should seek therapy for.”
“It’s okay to be disappointed that you weren’t there, but while a month early isn’t unusual, it’s also not something you can reasonably plan for (unless you get a decent paternal leave).”
“Also, while I don’t know how long she was in labor, it’s not like it was days and you had a chance to get there and chose not to.”
“She was/is aware of what your job requires.”
“It was a planned time for you to be unavailable.”
“You both should have had a plan and been prepared emotionally for the possibility of the baby coming early and you not being there, and ultimately, babies come when they come.” ~ Shadow5825
“Oh, man… Your wife may say that she is fine with you missing the birth, but she is 100% lying.”
“She is so very clearly not okay with it, and it is still bothering her to this day.”
“You guys need couples therapy, STAT.”
“This could very well be the thing that causes the marriage to go downhill if you guys don’t get into therapy ASAP and start working through it.” ~ Technical-Soup-7875
“NTA. If she’s not willing to go to therapy, she needs to find another way to resolve this.”
“Bringing it up in unrelated discourse is unhealthy.”
“If I knew the two of you, I might even call it manipulation bordering on emotional abuse.”
“Next time it comes up in an argument, the only thing you should say is ‘let’s focus on the topic at hand’ like they’re the only 7 words in your vocabulary.” ~ downtownpenthaus
This is a serious situation, OP.
Reddit has some deep concerns.
It sounds like therapy should be step number one.
Your wife is clearly harboring very hurt feelings that she needs to work through.
She can’t just throw this out at you whenever there is a problem.
Hopefully, you both can get past this trauma.
Good luck.