Adhering to a strict diet isn't easy.
Humans want what they want when they're hungry.
As people get older, they'll only have so many chances to enjoy certain things.
So is it on the rest of the world to police the diet of others?
Sometimes, everybody just wants a treat.
Redditor More_Brilliant240 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for taking my grandma to eat lobster?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (19) maternal grandma (79) has been living with us since my grandpa passed away two years ago."
"She said their house reminded her too much of him."
"Last year, she got a health check-up at the hospital."
"The doctor warned her that her L[ow]-D[ensity] L[ipoprotein] level has gotten high and that she has to start watching what she eats."
"Didn't prescribe medicines though."
"She has made changes."
"She replaced potato chips with fruits like kiwi."
"She no longer eats junk food."
"Her diet now consists mainly of fish and vegetables."
"Yesterday she asked if I could drive her to a restaurant to have lobster since I recently got my driver's license while she decided not to renew hers."
"She said she knows she won't pass the reflex test and doesn't want to embarrass herself."
"I hesitated, and she said that just one meal wouldn't hurt after her new diet and that she was going in for a checkup at the end of this month anyway."
"So I took her there."
"But my mom was upset when she found out and said that 'It always starts with just one meal' and I 'Should spend more time thinking before doing something.'"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Your grandmother is 79 and an adult."
"As long as she's of sound mind, it's not your place to police her diet."
"She's not doing this every day, and her problem is so borderline that they haven't even put her on meds."
"What else is there to live for if you can't even have a nice cheat meal every once in a while?"
"NTA." ~ Intrepid_Parsley_655
"My grandmother lived to 103."
"In her last year of life, I was lucky enough to live close by."
"Once a week, I took her for a bacon cheeseburger and a Dr. Pepper."
"It was the highlight of her week."
"My aunt would get so mad."
"You'll kill her eating that!"
"Death at 103 by bacon cheeseburger sounds like a good way to die."
"You're NTA."
"It's one meal, she's an adult."
"I'm sure she enjoyed her time with her grandchild." ~ pink-Bee9394
"NTA. She's 79."
"If she wants lobster, take her for lobster." ~ 7625607
"The woman is 79 years old."
"A full-grown adult. If she wants to eat lobster with you, take her."
"Far too soon, you'll only have pictures and memories."
"I can't stand when people treat elderly people like they're infants."
"She's a woman with her own wants and needs in life." ~ Charity83
"The infantilization of old people drives me nuts."
"Like, respect their dignity."
"After 79 years, she's capable of making decisions for herself."
"The only exception to this rule is people with dementia and even then I think they should be able to make basic decisions like what to eat."
"On kind of a funny note: My sister treated our grandmother like she was an innocent child."
"One day, Grandma was asking about sister's boyfriend and sister was hedging (because they lived together and she didn't want to admit this), so I said, 'They're living in sin, Grandma.'"
"My sister glared at me and then I just asked, 'You ever done the math on when [our oldest uncle] was born? He was perfectly healthy and four months premature.'"
"Sister turned to Grandma in shock, and she just shrugged LMFAO."
"Sister started to treat Grandma like, I don't know, a real person after that." ~ Grouchy_Snail
"NTA. Doctor here."
"Let your 79-year-old granny eat whatever the f**k she wants."
"There is a point where pleasure takes precedence over remote health benefits."
"The likelihood of benefit from a strict diet at that age is minimal."
"And a lobster meal at age 79 is DEFINITELY on the pleasure side." ~ TiredofCOVIDIOTs
NTA (also not a doctor) but I've said since my grandpa was 80 to just let him be. It's been a long road through many years. Let them eat!! Do you know what crap food existed 50 years ago or 70 years ago. I mean unless you were rich food was bland and overcooked.
"Lobster is what every 79-year-old should be eating." ~ threebecomeone
"My mom is 78."
"She is on this kick that microplastics are going to kill her. "
"I'm like woman, you're almost 80."
"I promise drinking out of a plastic water bottle is the least of what's going to kill you."
"Now if I could only get her to drink more water..." ~ Relevant_Struggle
"I'll be damned if someone tells me I can't have chips and ice cream at 79 damn years old."
"And she's already doing that!"
"You aren't in charge of your grandma and your mom, while she may be getting worried about the passage of time in regards to her own mom, what's the point if the final years/decades are miseries trapped at home with no lobster ever? NTA." ~ KetoLurkerHereAgain
"NTA. You're not your grandmother's prison warden."
"She has a right to choose what she wants to eat."
"All you did was drive her where she asked you to." ~ ScarletNotThatOne
"NTA. Your grandmother has every right to decide for herself what she will eat!"
"She's about as grown up as a grown-up gets."
"Some people prefer to indulge in life's pleasures and maximize the enjoyment they get out of life, rather than maximizing their time." ~ Low_Temperature9593
"NTA. I get your mom's fear: She lost her father, and she fears losing her mother."
"But, your grandmother is a grown adult."
"At 79, she's had a long life."
"She -chose- to eat healthier because she did want to continue living well."
"Trust me, there are OODLES of older people who ignore their doctor."
"My father was one of them."
"But she can also -choose- to eat less healthy."
"A lobster drowning in butter is unlikely to be her death."
"And if it was? Well, a good last meal." ~ Available-Love7940
"NTA. Grandma's an adult."
"She can make her own decisions."
"Mom needs to chill."
"She sounds controlling." ~ CalamityClambake
"NTA. One meal of lobster isn't going to send her to the hospital." ~ Embarrassed_Loss_584
"NTA. Hell, if she wanted a cheeseburger, a whole cheesecake, a cocktail, and a cigar it's her prerogative."
"Enjoy your time with her while she can enjoy it." ~ CleverRedditUsrNme
"NTA. It's like the reverse of when Grandmas and Grandpas let you have ice cream for dinner ;)."
"Since it will take her some effort to acquire future lobster and other bad foods, I think there's a difference between that and leaving her a credit card and your door-fast password."
"Also, if she was able to make those changes, I am optimistic about her self-control." ~ cocobear13
"NTA. She's old enough to know what she wants, I think."
"If she wants lobster, give her lobster with butter, salt, and a lot of bread!"
"I never understood monitoring anyone's diet for them, unless they asked."
"I'm diabetic, but none of my friends ask me why I'm having dessert or whatever."
"They know I understand my circumstances to make up for it or make appropriate adjustments to my insulin."
"Tell g-ma to enjoy her lobster and have a glass of wine if she wants it!" ~ No-Broccoli-5932
"If I make it to 79 and want lobster, someone better get me a lobster!"
"I've made it to 60 with cholesterol and triglycerides being okay."
"By the time my parents were my age my dad had type 2 diabetes and very high trig, my mom was on statins for her cholesterol."
"I do not DENY myself anything -- I just eat mostly healthy and occasionally splurge."
"Oops - NTA and good for your grandmother." ~ Punkinsmom
"NTA. Your Grandma is old enough to decide what she eats."
"She's allowed to have a 'cheat meal' here and there."
"Lobster is good, like mentioned earlier, it's the butter."
"But, given she's not on meds, I'm willing to bet that won't hurt her either, especially if she's eating healthy otherwise." ~ HwlngMdMurdoch
"It gets to a point where the quality of years is far more important than the quantity of years."
"She's almost 80."
"She's doing what she needs to to be healthier."
"But what's the point if she's not enjoying her life? NTA." ~ CAAugirl
"NTA - your grandma is an adult, she can make her own choices even if they're bad for her or your mother disagrees with her."
"Besides, whilst sauces/butter and sides etc aren't that great for the ol' health, lobster itself is a pretty low-fat food."
"Besides which if she's not on meds then her cholesterol and blood pressure are probably not dangerously high even if they're getting towards the point where they need to be managed." ~ redcore4
"NTA. While lobster as compared to other fish is higher in cholesterol they are still not something to be completely avoided especially since most people have it occasionally as a treat like your grandmother."
"What you eat every day - fried foods - foods that are high in fat - not eating sufficient produce and whole grains - eating ice cream and processed foods is what one needs to avoid or eat rarely in a healthy diet." ~ laurazhobson
"NTA. Your GRANDMA is a grown-a** woman."
"If she wants lobster, she should get lobster." ~ szy91
"NTA. It was one meal that she wanted and that you shared with her."
"Hold onto it."
"These days won't last forever."
"You did something wonderful, gifting her (and you) with time together and something she enjoyed." ~ MerelyWhelmed1
Reddit is with you, OP.
Grandma is an adult.
She's not eating lobster every day.
It's understandable that Mom is worried, but she needn't take it out on you.
Grandma would've found lobster one way or another.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp