When someone is a guest, it’s understood that you should try to be on your best behavior.
Now, plenty of people have issues and compulsions that they can’t help.
So that is why boundaries are set.
But sometimes people can’t help but defend breaking those boundaries.
This doesn’t always end well.
Redditor ProfessionalClear792 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for blowing up at my parents for something my adult sister did?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (26 F[emale]) have a sister, ‘Amy’ (28 F), who has always had a difficult relationship with food.”
“She was bullied as a kid and turned to food for comfort.”
“As an adult, she still struggles with self-control, especially around things she finds appetizing.”
“Our parents have never set boundaries with her around food, and that’s carried into adulthood—she currently lives with them, and they do all the grocery shopping and cooking.”
“My husband (28 M[ale]) recently had a birthday, and I planned a surprise party.”
“I sent him out of the house for a few hours so I could set up and asked my parents to come help.”
“I specifically asked them not to bring Amy, setting up involved putting out snacks, drinks, and a homemade cake with frosting.”
“They showed up with Amy anyway, saying it wouldn’t be fair to exclude her.”
“I gave her a few small tasks and specifically asked her not to touch any of the food until guests arrived, but I was too busy to keep a constant eye on her.”
“At one point, I went into the kitchen and found Amy with the fridge open, eating the frosting out of the mixing bowl.”
“She had eaten nearly half of it.”
“As soon as she saw me, she burst into tears and said she only meant to try a little but couldn’t stop.”
“My parents heard us and came in.”
“My mom said it wasn’t a big deal since the cake was untouched and I still had enough frosting for a crumb coat, but I had planned to do specific cake decorations, and now there wasn’t enough frosting.”
“I didn’t have the time or ingredients to make more.”
“My dad suggested going to the store to buy a tub of pre-made frosting, saying it was the same thing.”
“I explained my husband tries to avoid a lot of the ingredients found in store-bought frosting and wouldn’t want that.”
“My dad said to just not tell him since he ‘wouldn’t even know the difference.'”
“That suggestion was super frustrating to me.”
“I told my parents that they couldn’t convince me that this was no big deal and that they had allowed this by not setting boundaries with Amy’s binge eating and by bringing her to set up.”
“They told me to back off and be more sensitive to my sister, and that it wasn’t her fault.”
“I responded by saying that I was more angry at them because at least Amy felt bad while they were trying to downplay the situation.”
“They got upset and said it wasn’t fair to blame them for Amy’s choices, and that she was an adult and they couldn’t control her.”
“They also said that they were trying to help by giving suggestions and that I was being stubborn by shutting all of them down.”
“They ended up leaving, and now they’re giving me the silent treatment, even though Amy has apologized for eating the frosting.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for involving them in this?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. You knew this could be a problem.”
“You asked your parents to leave Amy at home.”
“Your parents refused.”
“You asked them to keep her out of the kitchen.”
“They refused.”
“Amy ruined your plans for the cake and your parents gave unhelpful suggestions.”
“And they’re mad because… you were right?”
“Because you spoke up? Nope.” ~ HNutz
“Not just unhelpful but enabling to Amy and insulting to OP’s husband.”
“All it does is show Amy she can do whatever she wants and never face repercussions for her behavior, that others may be hurt for her own selfishness, and it doesn’t matter because they can just deal with it because Mommy and Daddy coddle her.”
“She needs serious help with this compulsion, not to be perpetually treated like a child who can get away with treating others badly because she cries to her parents.”
“OP doesn’t just have a sister problem, she has a parent problem.”
“I’d recommend low to no contact until they can prove that they care about her and her feelings as much as Amy’s.”
“I would be absolutely livid and kick them all out of the house before they could leave on their own, and tell them not to come back until they decided OP and her husband deserved a basic modicum of respect.” ~ xVarekai
“You are NTA at all, but I think you are maybe contributing a wee bit to infantilizing your sister.”
“Why didn’t you try asking her to wait to show up, rather than telling your parents to manage her?”
“She obviously knows she has a problem she can’t control, and she was the only one apologizing.”
“Why wasn’t that conversation with her?”
“Right now, it seems like she has no agency here, which could also be contributing to her feelings.”
“Next time, try approaching her directly, and just say you know she struggles, so for both of you, please wait to show up.”
“If she cries and says it’s not her fault then obviously Thai isn’t going to work, but she might surprise you, as being approached like an adult might give her enough feelings of control to work it out with you.”
“Again, NTA, but definitely consider how you approach your sister’s illness.” ~ OnyxEyez
“NTA. Because you requested that they not bring her to help set up and they did.”
“When they brought her, one of them should have stayed with her.”
“That being said Amy is now 28 and aware of her problem.”
“She has to own that.”
“If she’s not in therapy that’s something that she needs to be in.”
“She should have declined coming if she thought she wouldn’t be able to control herself.” ~ blueswan6
“NTA. Amy can apologize all she wants, but she’s a grown woman who chose to do exactly what you asked her not to do.”
“She’s an AH.”
“And so are your parents.”
“Enjoy the silence.”
“When they eventually call, ask them first thing if they’re calling to apologize.”
“If not, say ‘Bye’ and hang up.” ~ Wonderful_Two_6710
“NTA. Yes, she’s an adult, but as this has been ongoing since childhood, of course, your parents are to blame.”
“They did not get her the help she needed as a kid. Now, they excuse and enable her behavior.”
“Yes, she has a mental illness.”
“But that doesn’t excuse her or them from the consequences of the actions her mental illness causes.”
“She needs help, like serious help, like a live-in program.”
“This is very extreme.” ~ m33chm
“NTA. Your parents should have done something about Amy’s eating disorder when she was a kid, and now they’re claiming ‘she’s an adult’ so they can avoid responsibility for their f**kup.”
“If Amy is actually sorry, she’ll get help so she can stop doing things like this.”
“If your parents were actually sorry, they’d admit their f**kup.” ~ NoNeedForNorms
“NTA. You specifically asked/told your parents not to bring your sister, whose relationship with food is, at best, problematic.”
“And they brought her.”
“Your parents are dismissing your upset because of your sister’s inability to control herself.”
“However, they brought her and she did eat what she knew was not to be touched.”
“All three share, at least in part, in the ‘blame’ for this unfortunate faux pas.” ~ Individual_Ad_9213
“I’m noticing something more and more with folks I associate with.”
“They’re really dismissive of other people’s effort and work.”
“I bake, and icing done right is time-consuming and expensive, butter and chocolate ain’t cheap, I’ve never even had store-bought icing, and I refuse to even go there.”
“OP’s parents don’t give two craps about OP’s desire to make something nice for her partner.”
“If there’s cake hell, I hope they, and the sister, rot there. NTA.” ~ Mary_Tagetes
“NTA. Amy’s binge eating disorder doesn’t excuse her being a kleptomaniac in your fridge.”
“Your parents are enablers and AHs, and Amy is a full-grown adult and also needs to be responsible for her own decisions.” ~ Wild-Association1680
“NTA. I would be livid.”
“Amy can get therapy for her binge eating, or she can stay home.”
“She may feel bad now, but if she refuses to get treatment, she is simply asking the world to deal with her problem.”
“That is unacceptable.”
“I would put some space between myself and them until they can learn a little thing called respect.” ~ Latter-Refuse8442
“NTA, so yeah it is actually your sister’s fault, SHE IS AN ADULT AND CAN CHOOSE A THERAPIST!!!”
“Your parents know of her ADULT failures and their failures as parents when she was a child, and then chose to bring her to your place when you told them not to.”
“Your parents clearly see your sister in a golden child fashion.” ~ bill-schick
“NTA. It is odd that the reasons your parents gave for not being allowed to blame Amy were the same reasons that they used to say you can’t blame them because it is Amy’s fault.”
“Amy is in need of psychological help to stop binge eating.”
“Food is an addiction that can not be cut out of your life because the body needs it to survive.”
“Drugs, smoking, and alcohol can be avoided to remove temptation, but food can not.”
“Encourage your sister to get help.”
“Everyone being kind and understanding will kill her.” ~ Gnarly_314
“Amy has an eating disorder that they are enabling.”
“You asked them for one simple request that they failed to fulfill, further enabling your sister who has an eating disorder, then made excuses for her. NTA.” ~ Expression-Little
Reddit understands your frustration, OP.
Your parents are completely out of line.
Amy needs help.
And your parents are making it worse.
It’s a sad situation.
You were trying to communicate your wishes for your home.
Stand your ground.