Being a child that's part of a blended family is always an adjustment.
In addition to being a significant change in routine from what you've been used to, it's also difficult to adjust to your new reality.
In cases of divorce, it can always be a hard pill to swallow that your parents weren't meant to be married, but things seem to be working out with their new partner.
In fact, they might be even happier with their new family than they were in their first one.
The mother of Redditor Gold_Ad_7011 was never a particularly present figure in her life, even after the original poster (OP)'s father died at a very young age.
With this in mind, it was difficult, to say the least, for the OP to see her mother being so present and loving to her second husband and the two children she had with him.
When the OP eventually confronted her mother about this, her mother did not take her words kindly, having some choice words of her own to say herself.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for describing my mom's second marriage and her younger kids as her do over family?"
The OP explained why she finally felt the need to confront her mother about how she and her half-siblings had very different perceptions of her as a mother:
"I (17 F[emale]) lost my dad when I was 5."
"My parents were married, but I remember dad being more present in my early memories than mom, and when my dad died, I know my mom wasn't there for me."
"She left me to raise myself or she roped in some extended family to take care of me, usually grandparents."
"But she wouldn't always do that and I was sort of forced to become independent and more mature in some ways to raise myself."
"Like I had to make sure I ate, did homework, got to school on time all without my mom helping me."
"The most she'd do is make some food but she wouldn't even tell me she had."
"I usually had to search the fridge to find it."
"My grandparents were the ones who celebrated my birthdays with me and they were the ones who typically went to my school for parent conferences."
"My mom doesn't know me."
"She couldn't tell you what classes I take in high school, what my favorite food or color is, who my friends and best friends are, nothing."
"Five years ago, she met her husband Sam, and pretty quickly, like before they were living together, my mom got pregnant."
"So Sam moved in and my mom married him."
"Her daughter was born 4 years ago, and her son followed along 2 years ago."
"And right away I see the difference in how my mom is with them."
"She knows them, she loves them, she dedicates time to them, she advocates for them."
"All the things I do not remember her ever doing for me."
"She eats with them and plays with them and she takes her daughter to preschool every day and takes her for a treat after."
"It sucks to see."
"I didn't get a good mom but I see she had her in it to be a good mom and chose not to be."
"Sam isn't as good as my dad was though."
"But he's still better than my mom ever was to me."
"Last week my mom asked me to babysit for her and Sam and I said no."
"My mom was shocked and asked me why I wouldn't babysit."
"I told her I had work and I had plans with friends."
"She told me she would have expected me to want time with the kids."
"I told her I don't want time with her do over family."
"She asked me what that meant and I said Sam and the kids are her do over family."
"She is a better mom to her younger kids, and she and Sam have created their own perfect little family with them and their kids."
"But she was never that for me."
"I told her I have zero interest in helping her out with the do over family and I pointed out that it was the most she had said to me in years, because she normally doesn't talk to me or include me in anything and the only reason she was speaking to me is she wanted something."
"She was all 'how dare you say that about Sam and the kids' and she told me I had an awful attitude and she hopes the kids never pick up on how I feel about them and their dad."
"She told me they deserve better than being described that way and she told me I had some nerve to be jealous that her kids have a happy family life."
"I laughed and told her she only cared about them, and that was clear."
"She called me a nasty little b*tch."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for referring to her stepfather and half-siblings as her "do over family."
Everyone agreed that the OP's mother deserved to know how absent she was from the OP's life, with many agreeing that, based on her mother's reaction, the OP might be better off cutting her mother out of her life completely:
"NTA."
"Your mum wasn't and isn't there for you and it must really hurt to see her be the mum you had wished for."
"You understandably lashed out at her, and in response, she cussed you out, which is not acceptable."
"You didn't attack the kids; you absolutely directed your anger at the right recipient."
"Hold out. It's going to be better and you'll be able to find your chosen family or be with the family members you want to be soon."
"I wish you the best of luck and happiness in your future."- MrsPomMummy
"NTA."
"Talk to your grandparents, see if they can take you in and try to save the money you get from your job."
"You're 17 years old, you're 18th birthday will be move out day."- Otherwise_Degree_729
"I mean no, NTA, you are right and we're blunt about it."
"You're mum didn't want to hear your truth."
"It sounds like you have your head screwed on right but I would start making plans for when you can get out of there."
"College is amazing, you can find your own chosen family."- blooblanafoofana
"NTA."
"Your 'egg donor with a uterus' was not there for you."
"She is now for her 'second chance' family."
"You owe her nothing."
"'My mom doesn't know me'."
"'She couldn't tell you what classes I take in high school, what my favorite food or color is, who my friends and best friends are, nothing'."
"If she brings this up again ask her these questions and see what her answers are."
"When she can't answer, she will throw a fit, but you will have made your point with her."-Comfortable-Sea-2454
"NTA."
"And good you're standing up for yourself."
"If Sam asks about all this, be honest with him - he probably doesn't know the true story."
"And yes, it will be a sh*t-show when mommy-dearest has to answer for years of neglect."-clearheaded01
"NTA."
"And from the way you stated your points, it sounds like your mother is trying to deflect your truth onto her husband and your siblings, rather than facing the fact she is the one who is the problem."
"Ask her some of those questions: what subjects, foods, etc., are your favorites; what did you do for a particular holiday or birthday; who was your 5th, 7th, etc., grade teacher; or whatever questions you want."
"When she can't answer, just tell her she proved your point."
"This has nothing to do with her husband or your siblings; it's all on her."- KweeNeeBee
"NTA."
"Next time, say, 'when I was daughter's age, what was my favorite color? Tell me a story about what I did in preschool that was memorable'."- CaptainSneakers
"I love how she instantly spun everything you said about her into you insulting Sam and the kids."
"That's the version she'll tell them, proving that not only did she not listen to you, she's still mistreating you."
"NTA."
"But you need to watch your back now and save as much money as you can."
"You'll probably need to leave home after you turn 18."
"You also might need to sit Sam down privately and explain to him that you've got nothing against him and the kids, but your mother has treated and neglected you so badly over the years that you will never do anything for her convenience because you're practically strangers and she has done nothing to earn either your trust or your cooperation."
"She hasn't even apologized for abandoning you in all but name."- ghostoftommyknocker
It's hard when people confront you about poor or negligent past behavior.
Especially when you know all too well that everything they are saying to you is true.
Based on her reaction to what the OP said, the OP's mother must clearly know that she was not as present a mother to her as she currently is to the OP's half-siblings.
Giving them love and affection that the OP will likely never receive from her.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp