Beginning a new job is always an adjustment.
Especially if you're the new boss.
Despite being the one "in charge," it's still important to ensure you have your colleagues' respect and attention.
Not necessarily needing to be best friends with them outside of work, but at the very least knowing you can trust them with their designated duties.
Something that might not be the case if you get off on the wrong foot.
Redditor Haunting-Citron-4161 recently began as a manager in a new office.
Initially, the original poster (OP) wasn't sure what her colleagues honestly thought of her.
Eventually, however, the OP discovered that the majority of her colleagues viewed her as "stubborn and stingy."
Apparently owing to her declining the request of one of her subordinates.
Concerned about how she handled things, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to buy Girl Scout cookies from my coworker?"
The OP explained why a box of Girl Scout cookies made her something of a pariah in her office:
"I (36 F[emale]) am a new manager at my office."
"I started about 4 months ago, and while I've been trying to get to know my team, I still don't have all the dynamics figured out."
"One of my team members recently asked me to buy Girl Scout cookies from his daughter, and I said I couldn't because I have celiac disease, which makes me allergic to the cookies."
"He suggested I purchase a box and give it to a friend or family member because it would mean a lot to him and his kid."
"The conversation continued back and forth, but we didn't argue, so I thought everything was fine between us."
"Then I find out that he's been talking behind my back about how bad of a manager I am because I'm 'stubborn and stingy'."
"Apparently, their previous manager used to buy a lot of cookies, so I look mean in comparison."
"I'm not close enough with my other coworkers (besides the one who told me about the gossip) to talk to them about this, but I get the impression they're on his side because one of them made a big show of leaving a plate of cookies they'd bought from him in the breakroom telling everyone to help themselves and then saying directly to me, 'this flavor is gluten-free so feel to eat some!'."
"I wanted to keep the peace, so I just said thanks, but I didn't eat any because I'm pretty strict about cross-contamination with gluten."
"I worry that I made things worse by not eating them, but at the same time, I don't think I'm obliged to support his cause."
"My friends say I should just buy a box this time, and if he does it again, then I can stand my ground, but it's not really about the cookies now."
"It's about him trying to shame me into doing what he wants."
"AITA for not buying cookies from him?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to buy Girl Scout cookies.
Everyone agreed that the OP was under no obligation to buy Girl Scout cookies, not only for her health but that it was presumptuous and out of line.
"NTA."
"If a colleague puts an order sheet in the break room where people can write in their orders, I don't think anyone is bothered by that."
"Going up to each worker and asking is a bit much, and I'm glad none of my colleagues actually want to do that! "- Kitchen-Phase-6639
"NTA."
"The only Girl Scout cookies that are gluten-free have to be shipped with four or more other boxes of cookies, and they don't even declare whether or not they're made in a shared facility!"
"Fellow celiac here."
"Health is not something to be taken lightly, and you should never be forced to buy something you can't even consume."- blue-brachiosaurus
"If you're the Manager, I would have a slit down with this employee and tell them you don't appreciate this becoming inter-office chatter and him blasting you for not buying his cookies to the other staff."
"Explain to him that this is not professional behavior for an office environment and you are disappointed that something like this has become an issue."
"NTA."- Jenny_8675309_69
"NTA."
"Wow. Just wow at his behavior."
"Manager or not, it is not ok to try to pressure coworkers for your kids stuff."
"I don't have celiacs; I just don't like Girl Scout cookies!"
"And I shouldn't need a health excuse to say I didn't want more processed sugar."- inevitable_newb
"NTA."
"You should never be forced to buy something or eat something that you do not want, regardless of your health or dietary concerns."
"This situation just sounds like an HR nightmare and not at all appropriate for the workplace."
"If you 'look mean' because you won't shell out money for cookies, people need to be reminded that it's not in your job description."- neophenx
"NTA."
"He needs to learn to hear and respect the word 'No'."
"You are his manager, he doesn't give you orders."- cassowary32
"People like him are why many workplaces ban selling on the job."
"NTA."- Gigafive
"NTA."
"I am a Girl Scout troop leader."
"We teach the girls that if someone says no, you say thank you and move on - no pressuring or pleading."
"That Dad needs to be taught this, too!"- SaltywithaTwist
"NTA."
"It's wild how people think your digestive system should bend to peer pressure."
"Like, is your celiac disease supposed to take a day off for Girl Scout cookie season?"
"Buying cookies out of guilt is not the flex your coworker thinks it is."
"Stand your ground—your health is more important than office politics."- AngelNhiana
"NTA."
"Aside from all the cross-contamination concerns (which are serious enough as is), if you do purchase them, you're setting a precedent as a manager."
"'You bought some of Jimmy's cookies, why won't you buy mine?'."
"You either get stuck having to contribute to every little fundraiser, charity drive, whatever, or you run the risk of being accused of favoritism."
"Same reason you should only ever participate in whole team activities like after-work drinks (at least ones where everyone is invited, people can self-exclude)."
"This is less of an issue where you're an incredibly tight-knit team, and you're more of their colleague than their boss, but as a new manager, hell no."- chalk_in_boots
"NTA."
"Part of selling them means learning that not everyone buys."
"My parents would take the form to work and just leave it on their desk."
"They wouldn't pester or try and bully anyone."
"The cookie dad should have said, 'Oh, good to know, did you know there is a gluten-free cookie or if you still want to support Girl Scouts, there is the donation program'."
"And left it at that and moved on."
"Celiac is definitely something you have to be extremely careful with because cross-contamination can occur so easily."- AddressPowerful516
"NTA."
"Talk to HR."
"If they don't have policies about employee solicitation, be it Girl Scout cookies or Avon or whatever, they should."
"At most, solicitors should leave sign-up sheets in the break room, and pressuring is a fireable offense."- badpandacat
"NTA."
"This is why a lot of offices ban school sales."- PicklesMcpickle
"So as a guy who is basically addicted to Girl Scout Cookies, you are under no obligation to buy them."
"Your coworker is an AH for trying to guilt you into it."
"NTA."- Somerandomedude1q2w
"NTA."
"You aren't obligated to support fundraisers for coworkers' children, and they're being dangerous by stirring up trouble."
"A lot of places actually have banned this kind of thing, I'd quietly take this to HR and put a stop to it."
"Allergies are serious, and even if you weren't dealing with celiac, declining to give money for someone else's child's activity is perfectly reasonable."- haveabunderfulday
The OP later returned to thank everyone who took the time the time to comment, as well as share an update on how she planned to deal with her colleagues:
"Thank you, everyone, for weighing in!"
"I'm surprised by how many people have been affected by people selling things in their office."
"I definitely won't be buying his cookies, and I'm going to sit down with him to discuss the bad-mouthing."
"I think I'll wait to escalate this to HR because I understand that he wouldn't respond well."
"It's definitely tough as a new manager and woman, so I'm determined to do this right!"
It's perfectly fine for the OP's colleague to feel annoyed or disgruntled by the fact that the OP chose not to buy his daughter's Girl Scout cookies.
That being said, he might want to remember that she is his superior, and bad-mouthing her is bound to have consequences.
Making the fact that his daughter had to look elsewhere for cookies the very least of his problems.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp