Relationships are hard. It is difficult to navigate multiple people's moods, needs, and wants simultaneously.
Redditor frog_grlz can attest to that. She recently got into a fight with her boyfriend and posted on subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" (AITA) and asked:
"AITA for screwing up my boyfriends interview by not doing his laundry on purpose?"
The OP was all too happy to air the couple's dirty laundry.
"To keep this short my [25-year-old female] [boyfriend 26-year-old male] had a big interview on Friday that could jumpstart his career. He's been planning for it for about 3 weeks."
"Usually, I do all the laundry and take care of our flat in terms of cleaning."
"On Wednesday, he told me he wanted to wear a very specific blazer, and it was in the bin to be washed."
"I usually do laundry on the weekends because I am a full-time uni[versity] student + I work part-time so during the week is hard to make time to go to the laundromat."
"I told him I would do it Thursday night though and he said ok."
"(Mind you he hasn't been working since he just graduated school in the fall semester so since the end of December, his parents help him pay the rent until he gets a job.)"
"Anyway, Thursday rolls around, and I get home from class and he's just playing a video game and he immediately asks me when I'm going to do laundry since he's very nervous and wants it to go perfectly."
"I'm so tired from school [because] I had an exam he didn't even ask me about, so I feel irritated and say I'm going to do it later, but I'm going to nap first. He again says ok, and he's going to meet up with a friend for a drink to help calm his nerves."
"Anyway, as the title says, I ended up not doing the laundry because I was tired and also partially pissed off."
"He was super pissed, ended up wearing something else and saying that I screwed him up by not fulfilling what I agreed to."
"I thought this might blow over since he said it still went well despite me "attempting to sabotage him," but he is not speaking to [me] still and has even said he may go stay with his parents over this."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors weighed in:
"Am I wrong, or did the boyfriend ask for her to wash it pretty much a DAY before the interview?"
"If he asked Wednesday and the interview was Friday, he literally only gave her till Thursday to do it (ONE day)."
"AND he knows she only does laundry on weekends? So why didn't he ask her to do it the previous weekend (OR if you dirtied it that week, he should've just not worn it since he knew he'd want to wear it for his interview??)"
"I think her grown-man boyfriend either doesn't know how to do the laundry or was too lazy to do it, both of which are unacceptable if he's going to then complain to her."
"Then she says she's too tired because she had an exam while he was at home playing video games, and his response is "WAHH BUT YOU PROMIIIISED"??"
"Sorry, but this was preventable on the boyfriend's part."
"Sure, he could've been disappointed since she agreed (seemingly forced to agree because she's the one who does the laundry, so I wouldn't necessarily even say she agreed).
"But he presumably had HOURS that day to go wash it himself since OP told him she was too tired to go, and slept until an hour before the laundromat closed (so he could've got off his behind and washed the blazer in that span of time since she already said she was tired)."
"But no, instead he went drinking with a friend. How is that an E S H?"
"If you know you need a blazer, wash it yourself, especially since he doesn't seem to do anything else around the home. Girlfriend is not a laundry mommy. NTA." - exitdate
"There was nothing stopping him from washing it on his own. If it was that important, he should have done it."
"That being said, he asked you to do it, and you said you would. But you didn't do it."
"ESH" - mdthomas
The OP wanted to provide some clarification.
"When I got home I did tell him I was tired and I asked if he could do it, but he started saying that I had promised And he had plans with his friend already, so I agreed again afterward and then I took a nap and overslept and when I woke up there was only an hour before the laundromat closed, so I could have still gone, but it would've been really rushed (and I was probably being a bit petty)"
"Also the blazer is from H&M."
Reddit took information that and ran with it.
"Excuse me, he's jobless and relying on his parents, and she cooks and cleans plus goes to uni while also working, yet she's partly to blame; in what world?"
"If he had time to play video games and meet up with friends, then he had time to get his blazer cleaned since he wasn't that stressed. Time to get rid of the extra weight. NTA." - imhere4blkpeople
"This is the answer."
"I get the ESH comments focusing on OP saying she'd do the laundry, then not doing it."
"But, if this was so very important to the boyfriend if he was genuinely preparing for weeks, he had plenty of time and opportunity to clean his interview outfit himself or take it to be professionally cleaned and pressed if he didn't trust himself with the task."
"The only answer is that the power play opportunity and irresponsibility were more important to boyfriend than the interview." - evil_nala
"Yes. I would have said E-S-H, since she said she'd do it, but then she said she works part-time and is a full-time student and does all the household chores and laundry."
"He's not in school or working right now. What the hell is he doing with all his time? Why isn't he helping with any of the household chores, including HIS OWN LAUNDRY?!"
"NTA. He can do his own laundry if he wants it done." - sigdiff
"ESH. If it was so important to him to wear the blazer, he could have washed it himself, but you agreed to do it, and then you deliberately didn't do it. You're both being petty" - ExistenceRaisin
"NTA"
"Your boyfriend is 26 years old, not 6. He's old enough to do his own laundry." - QueenVell
"ESH"
"You agreed. That's on you. He seems like he should live at home instead of with a GF." - PsiBlaze
"This sounds to me like there is something more going on. The fact that you are annoyed with him for not asking about your day says a lot."
"People don't usually go from 0 to 60. You mentioned you do all the cleaning. I think there's some resentment here, hon."
"While I don't really have a full verdict, except maybe ESH on both your parts for the pettiness here, I do have advice."
"Please talk to each other. Whatever is going on, it's time to really resolve it."
"This ain't about the Iranian yogurt!" - WendigoQueenie
"ESH. You knew that you were busier when you agreed to do the laundry."
"He had the audacity to prod you about doing his laundry while drinking and playing video games."
"I would totally back you if you were to point out to him that he is not pulling his weight and to do his own laundry as well as some of yours while he's at it."
"Instead, you did not fulfill your promises. IMO - you seriously need to have a conversation and divvy up the household tasks more fairly." - 3Dog_Nitz
"Man. Your bf sounds infuriating but I have to go with ESH."
"You did say you were going to do it. He should have definitely just done it himself, but you should have said that to him (earlier than Thursday night)."
"I think he's being pretty overly dramatic in the aftermath, though. He's not speaking to you and said you "attempted to sabotage him" because he couldn't wear the specific thing he wanted to wear?"
"Dump him and find a grown-up to date. And work on your communication skills in the meantime." - cosmococoa
"NTA"
"He's a grown man who KNOWS he has an important interview & wanted to wear a specific item."
"That's was 100% on him to make sure it was clean & ready to go. His lack of preparation isn't on you." - zadidoll
"ESH."
"He's old enough to be able to do his own laundry when needed, even more so if he considered his outfit that important and he'd been looking forward to this interview for so long, but him not asking you about an exam when he was anxious himself shouldn't have been so blown out of proportion."
"You could've told him you were tired and stressed and communicated things in a better way. It was kinda petty, and both of you sound immature, tbh."- ragtungsten
While the reviews are mixed, it is clear that this couple needs to work on their communication.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.