Homophobia can really complicate family relations, especially when family members demand that someone hide who they are.
That’s the dilemma a young person on Reddit recently faced when his girlfriend asked him to hide the fact that he’s the son of a lesbian couple from her parents. So he took the situation to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by ThrowRAhelplost on the site, asked:
“AITA for not wanting to hide that my moms are gay to my girlfriend’s parents?”
He explained:
“I’m 17 and started going out with my girlfriend 7 months ago. We were already chatting before school went online and I asked asked her out after.”
“So her parents wants to meet mines when it’s safe to do that and have dinner at their house. I’m cool with that and my moms are too.”
“But girlfriend told me that her parents don’t know I have 2 moms and she don’t want them to because they’re not raging homophobes but they don’t like that. She just says it will make them feel weird and uncomfortable and asked if only one of my moms could go.”
“Idk I just don’t see why I gotta lie. If we stayed together obviously they will find out and also that would be mean to ask my moms if one of them not go. I never been embarrassed about it or weird so don’t see why it even matters.”
“My girlfriend has been pissed at me ever since and she just tells me to do it so it’s not uncomfortable for her parents. Even my friends r saying it’s not a big deal and it’s not like I’ll get grounded for asking my moms to do this.”
“I’m caught in the middle here cause I don’t wanna lie about my moms or exclude one them but everyone is acting like I’m being the ass for not doing this thing.”
Redditors were then asked to determine who is in the wrong in this situation using the following acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors decided OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA and I think you should consider whether this girl really values you if she wants you to hide your family.”
“She’s concerned about how her parents would feel, but she doesn’t seem to mind hurting yours.”
“Your parents may not ground you for asking, but they are likely to be hurt. It doesn’t sound like that’s something you want.” —kdsexologist
“The fact that his friends told him to just go along with it because ‘its not like he’ll get grounded’ made me furious.”
“I know they’re just teenagers, but even at that age, you should know that the reason you don’t do something hurtful isn’t because you’ll get grounded, it’s because someone will get hurt. What a bunch of self-absorbed a**holes.” —neurealis
“Hi, fellow child of two moms here! I had a similar experience with my first boyfriend. His parents were very religious and I had to lie about my family. It’s something that I still feel stupid/ guilty about to this day bc (as you may guess) that relationship didn’t work out!”
“After that relationship I decided to not get involved with people who didn’t have the same mindset and values about gay couples and their families. You also need to consider how your mom will feel if she has to meet these people in person and actively hide who she is and her relationship.”
“The relationship with your gf is never going to be able to progress if you have to hide your family from her parents, and the fact that your girlfriend is mad at you over it should make you stop and reconsider the relationship even more.”
“Hard NTA, you should never have to hide your family and your gf and friends are huge AHs for making you think any differently.”
“I’m sorry that your gf has put you in this position, and please feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk!” —MossyToad
“Yeah. NTA.”
“Asking your moms to have only one of them go will make them think that you’re ashamed of them. And you’re not. But your girlfriend is.”
“Honestly, if I had great parents like you seem to have with your moms I’d choose them over a seven month relationship every time.”
“Tell your girlfriend this isn’t a choice you’re going to make and either her parents meet both of your moms or you leave. You’re still a teenager, you’ll find someone that wont ask you to hide your family.”
“I’d even say pretty easily, depending on where you live.” —Hulkemo
“NTA, but when someone says “they’re not raging homophobes, but..” it’s a sure sign they are raging homophobes.” —Here_for_tea_
“OP, as a gay woman who looks very gay, this breed of homophobia personally hurts me just as much as the ‘raging’ kind. Trust me, I’ve experienced both and I know a lot of queer people feel the same.”
“You’re NTA. You should also have a chat with your gf about this//consider if you want this person in your life.” —Plus-Kaleidoscope900
“So just jumping on to say that as a gay man, if I had kids and one came home and said ‘btw can one of you pretend you don’t exist so my gf’s parents aren’t homophobic’ you can bet damn sure we wouldn’t be going to dinner with them, and they’d be getting a long talk about how homophobia isn’t just beating up gays in the street, it’s the little things like specifically excluding them for the ‘benefit’ of others.”
“OP is definitely nta. If my 80 yo grandparents who grew up when being gay was a crime can accept that I’m happy, his gf’s parents can get over it as well 🤷♂️” —NYX_T_RYX
“…how long is OP supposed to hide this? What kind of lie is OP and the mom who “got” to go when asked what ‘Dad’ does for work – which will likely come up extremely quickly.”
“And how will the girlfriend’s parents feel later on when the truth comes out? They’ll hate OP AND the mom they met that lied to their faces at their dinner table. Girlfriend is a jerk.”
“And a liar. OP don’t miss this important red flag. NTA” —indi50
Bottom line?
Other people’s homophobia is nobody’s responsibility but their own.