When two people are happily dating, it’s perfectly reasonable for them to be excited about what and when the next big step will be.
But if they can’t agree about which steps to take and when, the relationship will basically be doomed from the beginning, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor GameDelayGoodBad had been in a fun relationship with his girlfriend for almost a year, and he was used to her regularly visiting his home with the use of his keypad security entry.
But when he realized that she wasn’t using the keypad anymore and was instead using a key she’d had made for herself without talking to him about it first, the Original Poster (OP) was immediately concerned.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for being put off by my girlfriend duping my house key without my knowledge?”
The OP had been in a happy relationship with his girlfriend for almost a year.
“My girlfriend (31 Female) and I (29 Male) have been together for a little under a year, 10 months to be exact.”
“Things are great, and she’s really cool and fun to be with, and we share similar hobbies.”
“There hasn’t been much to worry about, and we haven’t really had any real arguments.”
He thought nothing of it when she borrowed a house key when the keypad entry was broken.
“She usually comes over to my place in the mornings because I work nights right now.”
“Normally, she can just use the keypad to unlock the door; she always has the temporary code, but right now, it’s broken.”
“A couple weeks ago, she asked if she could have my house key for the day because one of her client’s houses is nearby, and she just wanted to finish up some computer work after at my place instead of doing it in her car.”
“I’d be sleeping for work anyway, so that was fine. A day went by, and she handed me back my key, no worries.”
But then the OP had a disturbing realization about what his girlfriend must have done.
“A couple of days ago, I saw her pull up on the Ring camera, and she had a key and just let herself in.”
“I didn’t say anything at first because I thought, ‘Oh, maybe I gave her the spare and just forgot.’ It kept bothering me, thinking about it, though, so eventually, I just right out asked if she had one of my keys.”
“She said yes. I asked if it was a spare one, and she went quiet for a second and then said no, she got one made ‘to make things easier.'”
“I immediately felt put off and said, ‘Dude, that’s crazy,’ and explained to her why I found it weird and sneaky.”
“She said sorry several times but ended each apology with a ‘But’ type response, like, ‘I would have asked you to get one made, but it probably would’ve taken awhile to get done,’ and that sort of thing.”
“Am I being too harsh by saying that is weird?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this was an obvious violation of his boundaries and trust.
“NTA. This is a clear violation of your boundaries. And she wasn’t even going to tell you if you hadn’t caught her red-handed.”
“Change your d**n locks and have a thorough look back at her actions and values. You clearly can’t fully trust her.” – Sebscreen
“This is less about the key and more about the lack of communication. If she had just asked, it probably wouldn’t have been a big deal. But the fact that she didn’t means she either knew it was wrong or didn’t consider how you’d feel.”
“Either way, that’s worth a real conversation. NTA.” – millenniumorex
“This action has raised differences between them about boundaries and privacy needs.”
“This is a conversation they need to have where they listen carefully to each other and ask questions to find out how the other feels and thinks, not merely to prepare a defense.” – au5000
“It’s weird. It’s a neon red flag blinking at him.”
“No one should be making a copy of a key without permission. That is something to be put off by.”
“What else did she do without him knowing? Not to mention, WHY wouldn’t she have asked HIM for a key, if she wanted one? She has a temp code, and it will be working soon. That should have been enough until it was time for the relationship to take the next step.” – Charcinne
“NTA. That’s a major breach of trust. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together. And she couldn’t even apologize properly or even attempt to give you the spare until she regains your trust.”
“She clearly sees nothing wrong with it since she hasn’t done either (though an apology would be fake anyway because she did it behind your back, meaning she knew it was wrong and still did it).” – Ok-Reply9552
“As bad as making a key is, undermining her own apologies with excuses seems like an even bigger red flag to me.”
“Getting caught red-handed and then trying to avoid responsibility for it. That kind of behavioral pattern probably will leak into other aspects of your relationship.”
“I mean… if she said, ‘Yikes, I just wasn’t thinking. That was a very bad move on my part, and it will never happen again.’ Without any BUTS, mayyyybe it would be forgivable.”
“As it stands, I wouldn’t trust anything she says.” – Sufficient_Grinch
“NTA. But, in my thought process, I think she has been with you for 10 months, and I don’t know that she knew you had a spare key. The keypad wasn’t working, and she’s always been able to get in before that. I would cut her some slack.”
“Yes, she should have asked you, but I think I understand her reasoning.” – JWR-Giraffe-5268
“It could merely be a sign of where she thinks the relationship is, but it was definitely a bit presumptive. She should have at least texted you about it prior to committing. You would definitely want to have a sit down about this, talk it out, and find an understanding.”
“You’re not the AH, but I wouldn’t want to let this destroy what has been a healthy relationship.” – Lo-Fi_Hedonism
Others agreed and felt this was a serious relationship deal-breaker.
“Get a new lock, bro! And a new girlfriend! This one is CREEPY.” – Confident-Baker5286
“Changing the lock is a must if she thought this was okay without asking.”
“What else might she decide is easier to do without your consent? Moving in? Robbing you?”
“Seriously, this sounds crazy and is going to end up robbing you, OP. Dump her and never look in that crazy’s general direction again.” – AetterQueen
“NTA. I would change the locks if possible and NEVER give her the key again! preferably because you broke up with her for majorly overstepping!” – stroppo
“You are not being weird. Until you choose to share a key yourself, no one has a right to your home whenever. You deserve a place that is your own unless you choose to share it.”
“She took your key, duplicated it without your knowledge or consent, and then used it to access your home whenever she wanted. Even if she had good intentions, this crosses a boundary.”
“Trust and communication are key in a relationship, and she should have talked to you about it first. Her ‘sorry, but…’ responses show she still doesn’t fully acknowledge why this is a problem. I don’t know if a relationship can survive that shortcoming.” – ThrowRABlueberry
“NTA. It’s a way way waaaaay overstep. For her to ‘assume’ that’s cool is no way cool.”
“If a boss gave you a key for a one-time thing, you don’t make a copy. If a neighbor gave you a key for a one-time thing, you don’t make a copy. If the guy I date gives me a key for a one-time thing, I don’t make a copy.”
“I don’t ‘live’ there. And in no circumstance do I just make any of these keys without prior consent. Period.”
“I hope she has given this extra key to you. Either way, I’d change the lock because now you don’t know if she made more than one.”
“It’s literally not as personal toward her as she thinks; she just overstepped a boundary and should just apologize. Maybe she thought things are further ahead in your relationship than they might actually be.” – no_konsent
After receiving feedback, the OP felt relieved to see others shared his same concerns.
“Thank you so much, everyone, for chiming in. I have some issues with confrontation, so seeing that mostly everyone agreed with how I felt was the fuel I needed to initiate a serious conversation with her.”
“She realized how bizarre of a thing it was and had no excuses.”
“I made it clear what my boundaries were and how that behavior wouldn’t fly with me. I asked for the key back and she handed it over with no issues and apologized again.”
“Much like what someone who posted in the replies said, I told her it was less about the key and more about trust. This has been our first real hurdle, and I told her that it’s going to take me some time to trust her again.”
“I still feel uncomfortable thinking about how she did it and just processing where to go from here, and I just hope we can build the trust back.”
The subReddit could understand that maybe the OP’s girlfriend was excited about the relationship, but this was not the way to express her passion or to lock in the relationship.
Rather, if she thought this would add a convenience to their relationship, discussing it first and potentially having a key as a result would have been a totally different experience than what she decided to do for herself.