Cooking for the family requires planning to make sure all the ingredients are available.
But what if the primary cook always seems to need a missing ingredient for every meal?
If they’re cooking, does that mean their significant other is obligated to go to the store?
A woman tired of last-minute trips to the grocery store turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Any-Basis4931 asked:
“AITA for refusing to go to the store when my significant other cooks meals for me?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My signifiant other (38, male) and I (35, female) have lived together for over a year. His mother and our daughter (13, female) are also in the home.”
“We lived together for 8 years and broke it off, but reconnected. This is our second go at it. Life doesn’t always happen as planned, unfortunately.”
“He is the primary cook in the home as he prefers to cook and is picky about how the food is prepared. He also does the majority of the shopping because he prefers to shop at certain stores.”
“I do also cook occasionally and pay for meals when we order out. Additionally, when I give him money to assist with bills, I give extra to help pay for food costs.”
“I do also clean the kitchen after each meal which is not a small task because he doesn’t clean as he cooks and typically any thing he touches in the meal prep process is left out.”
“None of this bothers me so much as when he asks me to go to the store for last-minute ingredients. For some reason, he never has all the ingredients right before the meal needs to be cooked.”
“For instance, tonight, he started cooking pasta at 6:45 pm, and right before he cooked, he forgot that we did not have noodles. He started planning dinner at 10 am.”
“He then expects me to drop anything I am doing to go to the store to get the items. When I say, ‘no, you could have asked earlier or planned better,’ he accuses me of being lazy or not helpful.”
“Tonight, I just refused to go and explained how it felt controlling and like a test. He ended up going to the store himself.”
“He just thinks he shouldn’t have to if he is cooking. That’s what I take from the arguments that happen after each request.”
“He does this during holidays, too. It’s happened so much, I know now to ask for days before the holiday and without fail, something is still forgetten.”
“Days before the holiday, I asked several times if he needed me to go to the store. Every day leading up to the holiday he says no, then inevitably the day of the holiday, he needs a few ingredients.”
“I ask him all the time just to be thoughtful of my time because I could end up having to make trips to the store every day due to his poor planning.”
“I am starting to feel he does this as a way to make me earn my meal.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I believe I might be the the a**hole because he is doing the cooking for the family and sometimes I am not doing anything at the time he is asking.”
“Sometimes I do go to the store when he requests, but it’s like he is just testing my boundaries when this is the only thing I asked him to not do.”
“There is a way to be better organized and he won’t do that proactively with me, but I always end up being the bad guy in the end.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Ya know, I was ready to go the opposite way here because they’re doing most of the mental and physical labor, but who the hell doesn’t check if they have pasta before preparing a pasta meal?”
“Plus you’re trying to preempt the issue. NTA. He needs to figure out how to shop/ask for materials ahead of time or switch to Blue Apron.”
“Yeah, like sometimes life happens, but that’s an exception, not a rule. And again, forgetting the pasta? Come on.” ~ Reasonable-Ad-3605
“Right? I have ADHD, so sometimes I forget to get things when I’m at the shops, but if I don’t have a key ingredient for something I decide to make that night, I change to something else. If I have something planned in advance, I make sure I have the stuff for it in.”
“If I decide what to make and my husband isn’t in from work yet and I need something, I’ll ask him to pick it up, but if he can’t, again, I’ll change what I’m making.”
“He can drive, I can’t. But we do have shops within easy walking distance, so if I still really fancy whatever it was, I can walk to the shops.”
“It’s not that hard.”
“He’s trying to make his lack of preparation her problem.” ~ freckles-101
“For real. NTA. I do all the cooking, planning, and shopping but sometimes the store doesn’t have the ingredient when I went or I just completely forget to get it.”
“I have totally asked my wife to run to the store real quick to get me an ingredient every so often. Wife is happy to get it because its not every single f*cking time I cook.” ~ th30be
“When my ADHD causes me to start cooking without all the ingredients, it is no one’s responsibility but my own. I’ll change the recipe, or cook something else entirely, or just half a** the meal knowing it won’t be as good because I’m out of onion.”
“Whatever! What I don’t do is expect someone else in the house to drop what they’re doing to fix my mistake.”
“ADHD may be an explanation, but it’s not an excuse for OP’s husband doing that over and over. NTA.” ~ napincoming321zzz
“ADHD does not cause people to call their significant other lazy, which to me is the biggest problem here. NTA.” ~ SophisticatedScreams
“I understand forgetting. Happens to all of us. What I don’t understand is making it his partner’s problem.”
“I can’t even imagine starting to cook, realizing that I don’t have something, and then asking someone else to run and get it. The solution is to just make something else.” ~ heidismiles
“Even if it’s actually unintentional, he’s STILL being an a**hole about it.”
“I have ADHD and am forgetful AF, and this would happen to me often, except that I know it’s a problem and therefore have developed a bunch of strategies that address that particular weakness of mine.”
“Doesn’t mean it never happens, but it’s rare, and I know it’s a me thing.”
“Having a strategy (or five) is just what you do, out even just TRY to do, when it’s a ‘sh*t, my brain has issues’ problem. If it’s happening all the time, you should be recognizing it’s a problem, and it’s a YOU problem.”
“So you should be taking steps to address it instead of blaming others and getting snippy. And you do that especially when it’s disrupting other people’s days. Especially when those are people you care about.”
“And this guy does none of that.” ~ FeuerroteZora
“It’s one thing to forget something like onions when cooking a meal, which can be left out if you forgot it, but if you’re making pasta and you forget to buy PASTA, then you’re just a sh*tty planner. NTA.” ~ numbersthen0987431
“Yeah, ‘I’m cooking but instead of it making your life easier, I’ll make sure to punish you with a grocery run for benefiting from my princely cooking skills’.” ~ earthenlily
“Especially when cooking is something he does because he enjoys it and is picky. She does all the sh*tty chores, he has fun cooking, throws a fit if his lack of planning and ‘forgetfulness’ are not appreciated, then blames her for being rightfully upset. Class act. NTA.” ~ Wonderful_Newt_8393
“NTA if this is a recurring issue. That said, you probably need to have a conversation with him about it at a neutral time and at least offer to adjust who does what chores.”
“Let your partner know that you’d like to discuss the division chores. Are you equally happy cooking or cleaning? If so, then talk about it. Say you know he prefers to cook, and you appreciate what he makes (if you do).”
“However, you are also happy to cook for yourself. If he expects you to both clean and go pick up last-minute items at the store when he is cooking, that feels like more work to you than cooking yourself.”
“If he feels like he is doing most of the work, could you guys adjust so that you do some of the nights of cooking? Maybe even split the nights evenly and have each person shop and clean up after themselves?”
“That way, it’s fair, and no one’s cooking style creates extra work for anyone else.”
“It sounds like he won’t like this, but if you have an issue, you have to be willing to do the work he’s doing. Honestly, if this is rare and you like his cooking, I’d do him this favor.”
“But if it’s happening a lot, maybe agree in advance that either he needs to handle it himself on nights he cooks or that he’ll take over cleaning if you have to take an extra trip to the store.”
“Honestly, if he has to clean up after himself, he might become neater.” ~ TheHatOnTheCat
The division of household chores should mean one person takes responsibility.
But it sounds like the OP’s significant other only wants to do the parts he enjoys and has her do everything else. It’s time to have a discussion about this issue.