When two people are happily dating, it's perfectly reasonable for them to be excited about what and when the next big step will be.
But if they can't agree about which steps to take and when, the relationship will basically be doomed from the beginning, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor GameDelayGoodBad had been in a fun relationship with his girlfriend for almost a year, and he was used to her regularly visiting his home with the use of his keypad security entry.
But when he realized that she wasn't using the keypad anymore and was instead using a key she'd had made for herself without talking to him about it first, the Original Poster (OP) was immediately concerned.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for being put off by my girlfriend duping my house key without my knowledge?"
The OP had been in a happy relationship with his girlfriend for almost a year.
"My girlfriend (31 Female) and I (29 Male) have been together for a little under a year, 10 months to be exact."
"Things are great, and she's really cool and fun to be with, and we share similar hobbies."
"There hasn't been much to worry about, and we haven't really had any real arguments."
He thought nothing of it when she borrowed a house key when the keypad entry was broken.
"She usually comes over to my place in the mornings because I work nights right now."
"Normally, she can just use the keypad to unlock the door; she always has the temporary code, but right now, it's broken."
"A couple weeks ago, she asked if she could have my house key for the day because one of her client's houses is nearby, and she just wanted to finish up some computer work after at my place instead of doing it in her car."
"I'd be sleeping for work anyway, so that was fine. A day went by, and she handed me back my key, no worries."
But then the OP had a disturbing realization about what his girlfriend must have done.
"A couple of days ago, I saw her pull up on the Ring camera, and she had a key and just let herself in."
"I didn't say anything at first because I thought, 'Oh, maybe I gave her the spare and just forgot.' It kept bothering me, thinking about it, though, so eventually, I just right out asked if she had one of my keys."
"She said yes. I asked if it was a spare one, and she went quiet for a second and then said no, she got one made 'to make things easier.'"
"I immediately felt put off and said, 'Dude, that's crazy,' and explained to her why I found it weird and sneaky."
"She said sorry several times but ended each apology with a 'But' type response, like, 'I would have asked you to get one made, but it probably would've taken awhile to get done,' and that sort of thing."
"Am I being too harsh by saying that is weird?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this was an obvious violation of his boundaries and trust.
"NTA. This is a clear violation of your boundaries. And she wasn't even going to tell you if you hadn't caught her red-handed."
"Change your d**n locks and have a thorough look back at her actions and values. You clearly can't fully trust her." - Sebscreen
"This is less about the key and more about the lack of communication. If she had just asked, it probably wouldn't have been a big deal. But the fact that she didn't means she either knew it was wrong or didn't consider how you'd feel."
"Either way, that's worth a real conversation. NTA." - millenniumorex
"This action has raised differences between them about boundaries and privacy needs."
"This is a conversation they need to have where they listen carefully to each other and ask questions to find out how the other feels and thinks, not merely to prepare a defense." - au5000
"It's weird. It's a neon red flag blinking at him."
"No one should be making a copy of a key without permission. That is something to be put off by."
"What else did she do without him knowing? Not to mention, WHY wouldn't she have asked HIM for a key, if she wanted one? She has a temp code, and it will be working soon. That should have been enough until it was time for the relationship to take the next step." - Charcinne
"NTA. That's a major breach of trust. It doesn't matter how long you've been together. And she couldn't even apologize properly or even attempt to give you the spare until she regains your trust."
"She clearly sees nothing wrong with it since she hasn't done either (though an apology would be fake anyway because she did it behind your back, meaning she knew it was wrong and still did it)." - Ok-Reply9552
"As bad as making a key is, undermining her own apologies with excuses seems like an even bigger red flag to me."
"Getting caught red-handed and then trying to avoid responsibility for it. That kind of behavioral pattern probably will leak into other aspects of your relationship."
"I mean... if she said, 'Yikes, I just wasn't thinking. That was a very bad move on my part, and it will never happen again.' Without any BUTS, mayyyybe it would be forgivable."
"As it stands, I wouldn't trust anything she says." - Sufficient_Grinch
"NTA. But, in my thought process, I think she has been with you for 10 months, and I don't know that she knew you had a spare key. The keypad wasn't working, and she's always been able to get in before that. I would cut her some slack."
"Yes, she should have asked you, but I think I understand her reasoning." - JWR-Giraffe-5268
"It could merely be a sign of where she thinks the relationship is, but it was definitely a bit presumptive. She should have at least texted you about it prior to committing. You would definitely want to have a sit down about this, talk it out, and find an understanding."
"You're not the AH, but I wouldn't want to let this destroy what has been a healthy relationship." - Lo-Fi_Hedonism
Others agreed and felt this was a serious relationship deal-breaker.
"Get a new lock, bro! And a new girlfriend! This one is CREEPY." - Confident-Baker5286
"Changing the lock is a must if she thought this was okay without asking."
"What else might she decide is easier to do without your consent? Moving in? Robbing you?"
"Seriously, this sounds crazy and is going to end up robbing you, OP. Dump her and never look in that crazy's general direction again." - AetterQueen
"NTA. I would change the locks if possible and NEVER give her the key again! preferably because you broke up with her for majorly overstepping!" - stroppo
"You are not being weird. Until you choose to share a key yourself, no one has a right to your home whenever. You deserve a place that is your own unless you choose to share it."
"She took your key, duplicated it without your knowledge or consent, and then used it to access your home whenever she wanted. Even if she had good intentions, this crosses a boundary."
"Trust and communication are key in a relationship, and she should have talked to you about it first. Her 'sorry, but…' responses show she still doesn't fully acknowledge why this is a problem. I don't know if a relationship can survive that shortcoming." - ThrowRABlueberry
"NTA. It's a way way waaaaay overstep. For her to 'assume' that's cool is no way cool."
"If a boss gave you a key for a one-time thing, you don't make a copy. If a neighbor gave you a key for a one-time thing, you don't make a copy. If the guy I date gives me a key for a one-time thing, I don't make a copy."
"I don't 'live' there. And in no circumstance do I just make any of these keys without prior consent. Period."
"I hope she has given this extra key to you. Either way, I'd change the lock because now you don't know if she made more than one."
"It's literally not as personal toward her as she thinks; she just overstepped a boundary and should just apologize. Maybe she thought things are further ahead in your relationship than they might actually be." - no_konsent
After receiving feedback, the OP felt relieved to see others shared his same concerns.
"Thank you so much, everyone, for chiming in. I have some issues with confrontation, so seeing that mostly everyone agreed with how I felt was the fuel I needed to initiate a serious conversation with her."
"She realized how bizarre of a thing it was and had no excuses."
"I made it clear what my boundaries were and how that behavior wouldn't fly with me. I asked for the key back and she handed it over with no issues and apologized again."
"Much like what someone who posted in the replies said, I told her it was less about the key and more about trust. This has been our first real hurdle, and I told her that it's going to take me some time to trust her again."
"I still feel uncomfortable thinking about how she did it and just processing where to go from here, and I just hope we can build the trust back."
The subReddit could understand that maybe the OP's girlfriend was excited about the relationship, but this was not the way to express her passion or to lock in the relationship.
Rather, if she thought this would add a convenience to their relationship, discussing it first and potentially having a key as a result would have been a totally different experience than what she decided to do for herself.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.