We’ve all known at least one person who has the audacity to demand something important, like respect or unconditional love or kindness, and refuse to reciprocate it.
But in a relationship, that isn’t going to fly, stated the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Tripletthrowaway123 found himself questioning his whole relationship over this after his girlfriend disrespected his brothers but then demanded his respect towards her.
When she refused to see his point of view, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if that was the end.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for calling my girlfriend, who hates swearing, a b***h?”
The OP was impressed with his girlfriend.
“I (22 [Male]) have been dating my girlfriend (Jenna, 21 [Female]) for about 6-ish months now. I do adore her and think she’s very lovely.”
“I have 3 younger triplet brothers (14 [Male]). They’re all identical and it was incredibly difficult to tell them apart at first.”
“H**l, it still is, considering they love bothering the whole family and pretending one is the other, etc., etc.”
“Despite all that, my parents have mastered the art of telling them apart and I’m definitely getting there.”
“Anyways, I introduced Jenna to the family some time ago, and surprisingly enough, she managed to tell the triplets apart on multiple occasions and she’s definitely proud of it. Which I get.”
But there was a catch.
“But she’s given them nicknames based on their differences.”
“She calls them ‘Bones’ (he’s slightly skinnier than the others), ‘Freckle Face’ (slightly more freckles), and ‘Shaky’ (his hands shake a lot due to his anxiety).”
“Now, if she kept the nicknames to herself, I wouldn’t really care, but she literally refers to the boys as ‘Bones,’ ‘Freckle Face,’ and ‘Shaky.'”
“My brothers don’t like it, especially the one she refers to as ‘Shaky.’ I don’t blame them, either.”
“So I talked to Jenna about it yesterday and told her that she needed to stop. It makes my brothers uncomfortable and I don’t like it either.”
“She said that we were all being sensitive and she was only trying to tell them apart.”
“She asked me if they’d prefer she mix them up all the time.”
“I tried explaining that it’s not really the observations that I had a problem with (if it helped her tell them apart, then that’s completely fine, but she can keep it in her head), but her referring to them as ‘Bones,’ etc. bothered me/them.”
The OP was fed up.
“She then said that I had no right to be so bothered, which I guess makes sense, but I don’t like seeing my brothers upset.”
“I’ve always been protective of them, so when she said they were extremely sensitive and total crybabies, I called her a b***h.”
“Specifically, I said, ‘You’re being a b***h.'”
“My girlfriend hates swearing and has made it clear to me that she hates it. So she obviously got really mad.”
“She said, ‘How do you expect me to respect your wishes if you don’t respect mine?’ and apparently, I’m also being hypocritical.”
The OP had mixed feelings after that.
“I called the whole situation stupid and left.”
“My girlfriend told me that I was a major AH and not to talk to her until I apologize, but I don’t know.”
“I don’t think I did anything wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have sworn, but why is it okay for her to make fun of my brothers?”
“My friends tell me she’s being irritating, but some say she does have a point.”
“Another said I escalated the situation for no reason.”
“AITA for swearing at her despite her hating it?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt this behavior was an absolute dealbreaker.
“NTA. She’s showing her true colors, and clearly, those colors are giant red flags.”
“I can’t imagine how she thinks giving children demeaning names is okay. She’s acting less like an adult and more like a child.” – JanusIsBlue
“Look at it this way, OP. Her showing this kind of attitude early in the relationship saved you a lot of time and grief in investing yourself into someone who can be this mean and insensitive to the feelings of others.”
“When you pointed out her attitude, she doubled down and turned it around on you.”
“How many more times would she have done this in the future? How many more times would she have made you doubt yourself?”
“Who else would she do this to? Your parents? Your friends? Your other relatives? Your future kids?”
“It’s better to end it now than later.” – ehwhythough
“She’s coming into your family’s home & disrespecting and bullying 3 young teen boys. Repeatedly after being told not to. It doesn’t matter if she’s kind to everyone else, she is being purposely hurtful to your brothers.”
“And then on top of that called them MORE names when told she was actively hurting them and insisted on continuing bullying them.”
“Then when you treated her EXACTLY like she has been treating them, she now finds that behavior from you unacceptable. But still wants to continue disrespecting and bullying your 14-year-old brothers in their own home.”
“She is very mean to others. Most likely many others she’s just successfully hidden from you. Disrespecting your family, especially children, should be your line in the sand.” – Gimmecheesenow
Others agreed and said the girlfriend shouldn’t demand an apology she won’t give.
“You feeling like you need to apologize is what a narcissist thrives on, don’t do it. These are red flags, she is a narcissist!!” – Sensitve-Category80
“Don’t apologize, you did nothing wrong. Stand your ground – either she accepts your reasonable request to not bully your brothers, or she needs to go.” – HoldFastO2
“NTA. She makes mean nicknames about them (including one based on a tick caused by nuerodivergence (anxiety)) to tell them apart but somehow would mix them up otherwise?”
“That doesn’t compute with me. If she can pick up on one having slightly more freckles, or being slightly skinnier, or recognizes the third’s ticks… she can keep from mixing them up.”
“And OP, you also said that on multiple occasions, she’s managed to tell them apart.”
“Also, don’t let her tell you that you had no right to be bothered. I would get it if it were a situation where something bothered you but not them. But it’s bothering them too.”
“You have every right to speak up for your brothers when they are being demeaned in that manner.”
“What she did was entirely intentional and you calling her a b***h sounds like it was done in the heat of the moment rather, than intentionally used because you knew she hated it. It definitely describes the situation with her.”
“One thing you remember is that it’s not okay for her to make fun of your brothers and avoid accountability for it.”
“Frankly, I think you should take this as a question of if you want to be with someone who will treat your family like that and will act as if them being bothered by her bullying is too sensitive.”
“She’s shown her true colors. (And if she says not to talk to her until you apologize, I say take it as a way to cut contact with someone who will be like that. She wants you to be accountable for one word but not to be accountable for her actions that are over time.)” – bookishlysassy
“NTA – so your girlfriend thinks she can do whatever she wants, by calling your brothers names, but you are wrong because you called her a b***h.”
“Tell her fine, if she continues with your brothers’ nicknames, then you can call her by her new nickname, ‘B***h.'” – Kellymargaret
Some also urged the OP to not apologize, even though he used a demeaning word.
“To me, ‘You’re being a b***h,’ to describe behavior (correctly in this case), is far more acceptable than saying, ‘You are a bitch.’ So the OP neither sucks nor is an AH, in my opinion.” – hdhxuxufxufuliffif
“ESH—Your girlfriend is much more of an AH than you.”
“It’s disrespectful to call her the b-word, but to create names based on your brothers’ physical features is so over-the-top insensitive, I’m surprised you are still her boyfriend.”
“How would she feel if someone called her ‘Nose’?” – General_Relative2838
“Alternatively, do apologize for swearing at her. Then explain that your brothers picked a nickname for her.”
“The nickname can be anything, from something she’s sensitive about (like ‘Jiggle Butt,’ ‘Thunder Thighs,’ ‘Frizzy Hair,’ etc.) to just ‘Bully’ or even ‘Nickname.'”
“Get your brothers on board, and be consistent with it. She’ll either realize she’s being an a**hat, or she will get mad again. If it’s the latter, she’s showing everyone who she truly is.” – butt_y_tho77
While the subReddit could agree that calling his girlfriend a name probably wasn’t the most productive solution, they could also totally agree on why he did it.
Also, demanding respect while refusing to give it is hardly a good look. Clearly, the OP needed to do some thinking about his relationship and consider how he, and his brothers, wanted to be treated in the future.