Most of us who have dated before likely have found ourselves with someone who, at one time or another, expressed an interest in taking a break… whether it was because of an argument, needing time to figure things out, or wanting to explore other options.
But more often than not, these “breaks” are detrimental to a relationship or only serve a person to explore whether they can find someone better to date, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor groundedone93 found himself on the receiving end of this conversation when his girlfriend confessed that she didn’t know what she wanted out of life and she wanted time alone to figure it out.
The catch was that she expected him to wait around for her while she figured it out, and the Original Poster (OP) refused to wait indefinitely, no matter how “selfish” his girlfriend accused him of being.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my girlfriend I won’t wait around while she ‘finds herself’?”
The OP’s girlfriend was struggling to figure out who she was in life.
“I (29 Male) have been with my girlfriend (27 Female) for almost two years.”
“Lately, she’s been saying she’s ‘confused about life,’ doesn’t know what she wants, and needs time to ‘figure herself out.'”
“She says she still loves me, but she’s unsure about the relationship, her job, where she wants to live, basically everything.”
“She suggested we take a step back but not break up. Just give her space while she sorts things out.”
The OP and his girlfriend could not agree about the “break” arrangement.
“I told her that I was not okay with being in limbo. I said I care about her, but I’m not going to sit on the sidelines indefinitely while she decides if I’m part of her future or not.”
“I told her if she needs space, fine, but I’m out.”
“She called me selfish and said that I was abandoning her in a vulnerable moment.”
“But to me, it feels like I’m being kept as a backup while she figures out her next move.”
“AITAH for refusing to wait around?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he didn’t need to wait around indefinitely just to be a backup plan.
“NTA. I had a boyfriend who ‘needed some time.’ I informed him that I wasn’t interested in waiting around and would date other men.”
“About a year later, I met the man I’ve been with for almost five years, and my ex didn’t try to get back into contact with me again until a year into my current relationship. So, it was two years later.”
“Don’t allow yourself to be shelved.” – StormdancerVLDL
“I had a boyfriend who was great but struggling with what to do with his life and broke up with me out of the blue because he couldn’t make sense of himself or his feelings, saying he hoped I’d take him back once he was ready because I was the best thing that happened to him.”
“He appeared out of the woodwork, three years after our breakup, saying it was a mistake and that he wanted me to be back in his life.”
“I’d already found and started dating my now-husband, who was everything great about my ex, plus everything else I wanted in a partner (communicative, responsible, etc.), by the time he reached back out. Definitely glad I didn’t let a boyfriend hold me back from finding my husband.” – Conscious_Can3226
“NTA. I’d tell her, ‘You said you’re not sure about our relationship. Well, I am sure that I don’t want to be with someone who’s not 100% sure they want to be with me, so I’m out. Good luck finding yourself.'” – AllegraO
“NTA. It’s okay if she’s feeling unsure about life and what she wants out of it, but it’s also okay for you to not want to wait around in a holding pattern for someone who wants to take your relationship backwards.” – tobeahero
“NTA. She thinks she’s the main character. What about your future?”
“She doesn’t love you; she’s comfortable with you. And she wants to keep you like a security blanket until she outgrows it.” – Vast-Website
“Nope, NTA. You’re not a safety net or emotional support pet while she ‘soul searches.’ You set a boundary… that’s called self-respect, babe.” – danica_ca
“NTA. She wants you as a backup plan. Move on, live your life, don’t ever look back, and relish in her future regret.”
“This reminds me of an old friend. His girlfriend said she needed to see other people to find out if she really loves him. If she started missing him, then she would know.”
“I felt so bad for that dude. Then there was a huge plot twist. They got back together, had two kids, and lived happily ever after. God, that was so unnecessary. Again, NTA.” – rainbow_assassin
“NTA, what a way to play victim. You’re not abandoning her; she is the one who’s not sure she wants to be with you. It sounds like you’re looking for a committed relationship, and she wants to go have fun, so let her, but she has no right to put you on hold while she’s away.” – Party_Foot5108
“NTA. No reason in the world you should put your life on hold for something that MIGHT happen in the future.”
“She’s not wrong for wanting a break to figure out her life. Be kind to her, but break it off. Tell her that, in the future, if she decides that she wants to give it another shot with you, she can reach out. If you’re available, y’all can reconnect and see if the old spark is there. But you’re not going to put your life on hold in the meantime.”
“That’s not mean or cruel or unfair. It’s just reality. You’re not a prop or a backup plan.” – CocoaAlmondsRock
“Let me translate for you: ‘I want to go see if I find someone better than you. But I need to keep you on a leash in case I don’t find that. I already got someone on the hook, but until I’m positive I can dump you, you can not find someone else or have fun.'”
“Sir… Let the trash take itself out. You are young, and now is the time to enjoy and experience life. You are seeing exactly what you can expect from this girl in life. You wanna marry this or waste more time? Cut her loose and don’t look back.”
“NTA. Rooting for you.” – slm4444
“Giving her the hope that she might be able to come back if things don’t go well for her allows you to see her true feelings and see the real decision she wants to make play out.”
“Giving her the ultimatum you suggest only opens you up to the possibility she begrudgingly stays with OP as a calculated risk, taking the safer option. Which can lead to all sorts of problems. He’ll never truly know it she stayed with him with full sincerity or if she still longs for a different life, but is it too scared to give up a comfortable arrangement.”
“The open door doesn’t have to be sincere. At this point, OP needs to pull this move so that he can ‘find her’ for what she really is before she finds herself.” – WereAllThrowaways
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex could ‘find herself’ while dating… if she wanted to.
“NTA. You can figure yourself out and what you want from life while in a relationship. It’s not impossible.”
“It sounds like she’s confused about whether or not she wants to be with you, and that’s not fair to you. You are not a backup plan or a security blanket. You deserve to be with someone who is sure they want to be with you.”
“Life is too short for games, honestly, and you are not ‘abandoning’ her. You are putting yourself first, and that’s okay.” – Extension_Cold_1922
“You can absolutely figure yourself out in a relationship. I’ve personally done it before. Otherwise, how can you really see how the relationship fits into your life? Definitely NTA.” – Dtoxz
“When I’m on a self-discovery journey, and I have a partner, they are a part of the journey. I share insights. Trade ideas and collaborate if needed. I don’t want space from them unless I am trying to delicately end the relationship.” – afirelullaby
“If she needs to figure herself out, she can do that with her boyfriend. But if she needs to figure herself out and doesn’t want him around for that, she most likely wants to look around and see what else is available to her. If nothing good, then she wants OP to be there waiting. NTA.” – Frequent_Couple5498
“Your partner should not need space from you as they figure themselves out. They should want your support even more. If she needs space to figure things out, then she likely isn’t the one for you. This is just my personal feelings on this. NTA.” – SizeSecret
“My husband was key in my figuring out who I was. Because he supported me, helped me with suggestions, and was a great sounding board for advice on my terrible, terrible ideas.”
“It’s likely she wants to see what else is available, and if there’s nothing, she’ll want OP back.” – Aggravating-Rock2652
“Did she put all of her friends on ‘pause,’ too? How about her job or school? Did she take a break from earning and learning to ‘find herself’?”
“Does her new journey require anything else in her life to go on stand-by, or is this just a you issue?”
“You’re not being selfish, you’re being realistic. I suggest you go on a quest of your own, to surround yourself with people that see you as essential and valuable, not an accessory.” – Free_Dependent_1446
While the OP was a little unsure about how harsh he was being, the subReddit saw this for what it was and reassured him that he was doing the right thing by taking a step back.
If the girlfriend was really interested in him, she could have explored who she was with the OP still by her side. By wanting to step away from him, it was much more likely that she wanted to pursue other romantic options and only return if they didn’t work out.