Redditor Aggressive_Buy4075 was perplexed when she learned her daughter's new half-sister was given the same name.
The Original Poster (OP) coparents peacefully with her daughter's father, and has a good relationship with the girlfriend and new mother.
But the recent naming snafu riled the OP up to the point that she reached out to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for advice.
She asked:
"AITA for calling my daughters father spineless and his girlfriend creepy over their name choice for their daughter?"
She went on to explain.
"A little bit of context for you all, I ended up falling pregnant with my 10-year-old daughter during a drunken hook-up with a friend in my mid-20s."
"Not the most glamourous or flattering truth, but it's the truth all the same. When we found out, we decided to keep the child and co-parent while remaining friends."
"We were never a couple, and we didn't want to be one either."
"Four years ago, he began to date his long-term girlfriend, and they moved in together last year."
"She fell pregnant and I've been supportive to them both as much as I could be without crossing any lines."
"I've encouraged my daughter to help out whenever she's staying with them during the pregnancy and to behave."
"I've also made it clear that I want the children to have a close relationship despite having different Mothers."
"I've even said that if they were comfortable with it on nights I have my daughter if they ever want time alone I'll babysit once they have the baby so my daughter can spend time with her sibling."
"All in all, I thought everything was great, and I was excited for my daughter to have a sibling as she's always wanted one, but I had no interest in having another child."
"Three days ago, my friend and his girlfriend had a daughter. They asked me to bring my daughter to the hospital to meet her little sister yesterday alongside others of the family."
"So I did exactly that, but when they introduced us to the baby, I was shocked. They'd named used my daughter's name."
"She didn't seem to have any issue with this when she introduced the baby bold as brass. My friend seemed uncomfortable and wouldn't look at me directly."
"I asked them what they were playing at, at which point my friend's father said he'd take my daughter down to the cafeteria to get something to eat and left with her."
"My friend told me to calm down and not overreact while his girlfriend told me she didn't see the issue and it was a pretty name."
"I asked them if they'd named the baby for my daughter, trying to understand the logic here, but his girlfriend said that no, it was just a pretty name she liked."
"I then asked if they planned to use a nickname or a middle name when addressing to her on a daily basis, and her response was that she didn't see a need for that."
"I told them they were being ridiculous and that they couldn't do this."
"I then told his girlfriend that I found this frankly creepy and told my friend he was being spineless if he was happy to go along with this."
"He tried to claim our daughter could use a nickname or something, but I shut that down immediately, asking why it was more reasonable for a girl who has used that name for a decade to shame her name compared to a baby who had no concept of what a name was yet."
"His girlfriend told me I was being a b*tch talking to her like that after she just gave birth and asked the nurses to remove me, saying I was being disruptive."
"Maybe my temper is running a little too hot, though, and I was too harsh on her when she just gave birth. It's just so f*cking weird."
"I'd also like to state I know that what they want to name their child is their choice, They could have called her Dinosaur for all I care, but this is one name that should be off limits or adjusted."
"They even have the same surname as they have the same father..."
"Something about it just felt malicious and deliberate, as if she's trying to replace my daughter, and for them both to spring it on us like that at the first meeting? No that was weird."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA. From the outside, it sure reads like she wants to replace her partner's affection for his first daughter with his new baby. Of course, it's creepy." - ParsimoniousSalad
"NTA. They hid this for a reason. He was embarrassed for a reason."
"The same FIRST and LAST name is going to cause both those girls a lifetime of issues, especially with the same father."
"I usually would have a bit more sympathy for a woman who just gave birth…"
"…but she seemed deliberately cold and cruel towards your daughter (her stepdaughter) to have done this." - DeeDee-MayMay
"NTA. This is a calculated move on the part of the GF, and your daughter's d*ck of a father is too spineless to stand up to her."
"While no name can be claimed, this is a move full of hate and spite."
"I would tell your daughter's father that you will be going for full custody of your daughter and taking him for child support because you can no longer trust him to do the right thing by your daughter."
"How can you trust that he wouldn't allow his gf to treat your daughter poorly based on this behaviour?"
"Obviously, his father agrees with you... that this name is not acceptable."
"I'm sorry but your daughter is never going to get treated right by her father's gf. She is already trying to replace your daughter by giving her daughter the same name." - Mishy162
"NTA"
"It is ridiculous that your daughter's dad and his GF do something creepy and crazy. You may be right to assume the GF is probably jealous of your daughter and trying to replace her. Not healthy."
"IMO, This was deliberate and not innocent even if they claim it to be"
"EDIT: I am going to take a wild guess that the GF had orchestrated the name reveal at the hospital intentionally to generate evidence and throw you out of the hospital and from the Guy's life."
"She knew her behavior, warrants a scene, and she crafted a get out of jail card even before committing the crime." - Pressnspeak
"NTA. This is ridiculous of them and will cause both girls issues with government paperwork for their whole lives going forward. They aren't doing the new baby any favors here." - Mindless-Pangolin841
"'Please meet my daughters: Anna and Anna' 'What cute sister you have Anna! What's her name? Also Anna?' 'Anna and Anna, do you want a drink?' 'In 20 years: Anna is coming over! Which one?'"
"This is so, so weird. On the same level as men naming their sons prince 1, prince 2 etc."
"You are nta; those people are bananas. I would talk to my daughter about how she wants to proceed with visits, custody etc."
"And name the new baby Anna 2.0 or Anna in any conversations with your baby daddy. Just because it's factually true." - EntertainmentOk6284
"NTA."
"Honestly, how did they THINK you would react to that? How did they imagine that conversation would go?"
"If you want your peace and quiet after just giving birth, maybe don't spring that kind of disrespect and weirdness on people."
"Of all the names in the world, you do not choose the child's sister's name. It is weird and disrespectful towards the sister."
"It's a ton of pretty names. I'm usually quite chill when it comes to «sharing names» in families or friend groups, but SIBLINGS cannot have the same name."
"They should bin that idea, if for nothing else, that child's sake. I would be so embarrassed growing up having the same name as my ten year older sister."
"I imagine people will be teasing her about it. I would always be feeling bad about it around family, too, like I had stolen something that wasn't mine."
"And it would be hard having a normal relationship with my sister. The baby deserves her own name!" - Muted_Radish_9011
"As for blowing up 'just after she's given birth'. You don't name a baby on a whim… she was planning this long before she gave birth."
"I'd leave because I'd have nothing nice to say, but I'd send a very blunt text to the father saying, 'You can't be serious! What nonsense game is this?'"
"'I can't control what you name your newborn, but I can say naming two girls the same is going to cause a lifetime of woes for both'"
"'Everything from credit reports to identity issues, plus the fact that their families are forever going to be confused.'"
"'I don't know what you guys want, but it seems you want to create significant issues into the future for both kids. Please think this through before you complete the paperwork.'"
"And then … ring his parents and raise an eyebrow and say the same."
"Then get yourself a good family lawyer because you will need it, sadly." - Particular-Try5584
This is quite a tangled situation. The future logistics of even planning a party are absurd.
We hope that cooler heads can prevail and perhaps settle on a nickname for the new bundle of joy.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp