When you live with your significant other, your decisions affect them as well.
Some people have a harder time grasping that concept.
Redditor Average_Student1257 encountered this very issue with his girlfriend. So he turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
He asked:
"AITA for denying girlfriend's friend (28M) to live with us?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (27M) recently started renting a nice apartment that's 3 bedrooms and 2 and a half baths."
"My girlfriend (26F) of 3 years moved in with me and it's been great. She does split the rent and the cooking/cleaning. My nephew frequently stays with us as the apartment is closer to his school."
"My girlfriend is very close to one friend (28M)."
"He does not like me at all. I've tried to be nice to him, but stopped when he told my girlfriend at a dinner party she could do a lot better than me. She laughed it off and told him to knock it off. Some of her friends think he has a crush on her."
"She's made it clear she only likes him as a friend."
OP explained the main issue.
"Onto the issue, the same friend recently got evicted from his apartment because he was having trouble paying the rent on time. He has been living with friends and family since."
"I got home from a long shift and my girlfriend was showing the apartment around to her friend group."
"When the friends left, she wanted to speak to me. We sat down and she asked if it would be okay if her friend could move into the 3rd bedroom. I thought about it and told her no."
"She then proceeded to tell me that she already told him it was okay. That started a huge argument between the two of us and she left to stay with her parents."
"My stand on it is that her friend does not like me, is not offering to pay any rent and I don't want to make my nephew uncomfortable when he stays with us."
"AITA for denying my girlfriend's friend to live with us?"
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA, but your GF is. She's seriously inviting someone who clearly dislikes you (and disrespected you with that comment at the dinner party) to live rent free in an apartment you own without even speaking to you?? YIKES."
"There are loads of red flags here, but what bothers me most is her inviting him to live with you without your knowledge and then leaving you after an argument that should have been a mature discussion between you both about finding a freeloader roommate for the third BR."
"At best, she likes the attention this 'friend' gives her; at worst... well you already know. NTA OP and don't let this guy move in when he already doesn't respect you." ~ crawledtothemoon
"If someone says 'you could do so much better,' they always mean themself. It is so disrespectful of GF to offer this guy the room. You can't tell me as if she doesn't know, that he wants her. Maybe they were fwb all the time..." ~ Acceptable-Abalone20
"I mean I've said this to my own GF before but that's only because I'm insecure. To be fair, she's done a good job of convincing me that I am a good partner and I strive to be a better one every day so." ~ sunshadowsburn
"I suggest laying off the self deprecating. No one wants to hear their partner say that they could 'do better,' they are with you."
"Focus instead on how you can be better. Instead of saying things in regards to mess-ups like 'I'm sorry I'm such a lacking partner, you deserve better than me,' focus on a simple apology that acknowledges that you hurt them (if you even did), and say that you want to do better/ask how to do better."
"And if you are just saying this stuff, not in regard to messing up/hurting them... Don't say it."
"Those words should just leave your vocabulary entirely if you are serious and it sounds like you are. Your own self worth will improve if so, in addition to how your partner reacts to it. Self deprecation helps neither of you and just makes you both sad, which sounds unnecessary here!!"
"Very proud of you for recognizing that insecurity and working against it, I hope you two have a great week!! I offer this advice not to chide you, but because I wish my boyfriends had understood it." ~ jooules
Some people genuinely think their friends deserve better.
"I say it to my friends when I see they're dating a pile a shit. And I certainly don't mean myself because I know them well enough to know we would be terrible as a couple." ~ Silvinis
"I find 'you can do so much better' turning into 'I'm broke can I live with you' so sketchy it's laughable."
"Bye friend and bye girlfriend." ~ Books-and-a-puppy
"That's not true I've told friends who I'm not at all into that they can do better, including one who went for abusive guys over and over again in high school. I had no interest at all in dating her, I just wanted her to stop getting beaten by guys she was dating."
"And I've been the friend whose told they can do better when no one telling me that wanted to date me, and the guy I was dating was a mess who threatened to kill himself every time I upset him."
"Or less severe, told my then roommate she could do better than her bf because he basically was only dating her because she asked and figured he'd say sure, but actually didn't really like her, and they were constantly fighting and her only reason not to break up with him was that she was scared she couldn't find anyone else." ~ AccountWasFound
OP added some edits.
"Edit: I removed the cop part of my post. It was unnecessary."
"Edit 2: For those asking about the apartment, I put the deposit down and it's under my name. I am renting it currently and we agreed on a fair amount for her to pay each month. It's fairly close to about 50/50. I pay a little more since her job cut back on her hours."Â
OP should have been part of the conversation.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.