Many times in a relationship, you or your partner will ask for a favor from the other person. It can be difficult, but relationships are about the give and take.
When is the favor too much? Redditor Rose-thorn6554 asked that when her boyfriend wanted her to do something. She tried for a bit, but it was too much for the original poster (OP) and she walked out.
Now he's upset, and said OP was rude. OP isn't sure and decided to ask the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit the titular question about her situation.
OP asked the board:
"AITA? For leaving after my boyfriend made me sit in the kitchen by myself when his doctor friends came to visit?"
Why would he ask her to sit in the kitchen?
"Hi. This a minor conflict that me f[emale]31 and my boyfriend m[ale]33 had this week. We've been together for 9 months."
"He's a pediatrician and I have a job at an elementary school. He's sweet and makes me feel happy whenever we're together."
"He was missing me lately and been wanting me to visit and he was too busy so I only got the chance to visit yesterday. We sat down in the living room in his apartment and he was about to make some coffee when the door rang 13 minutes after I arrived."
"He went to take a look through the hole then returned and asked me to get up and follow him to the kitchen. I asked why but he didn't say."
"He had me enter the kitchen and said his 2 friends who are his work colleagues (doctors) came to visit and he wanted me to sit tight for few minutes til they leave. I was confused I asked why not let me just meet them and he said no not like this and asked me to not come out the kitchen til they leave then went to welcome them."
"I sat still waiting as the time passed. They stayed for an hour and I started calling Donnie but he didn't answer me. I felt uncomfortable and couldn't wait anymore after I was ignored like that."
"I just took my purse and walked out the kitchen and told Donnie that I got bored of waiting for his friends to leave then said I was leaving and walked through the door immediately feeling upset."
"He was stunned and so were his friends. He called me later saying what I did was disrespectful and rude. He said he asked me this one favor and I didn't do it."
"I replied that I left because of the treatment I received no matter how much he tells me to make myself at home I was still a guest and I was made to feel like I was less than his doctor friends but he swore it wasn't like that and that he considers himself lucky to have known me but still said what I did was not cool and leaving like that and saying what I said in front of his friends was wrong of me."
OP came back and updated a few things in case you got the wrong idea about her relationship.
"I'm adding more information to make few things clear.
"Edit1: I already met his family and other people but none of them is in the same field he's in. We also meet publicly"
"Edit2: He claimed that they were talking about stuff I wouldn't understand and I'd feel awkward sitting there not knowing what they were talking about."
"Edit3: he said I should've made myself busy making dinner in the kitchen instead of waiting til his friends leave since we agreed to eat dinner together but I ruined our plans."
OP is upset and isn't sure if she overreacted. She asked the board for judgement since they are theoretically more objective about the situation.
Commenters judge OP by including one of the following in their reply:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The commenters agreed that what the boyfriend asked was unreasonable. On top of that, it's so weird that he didn't want her to meet these coworkers.
There was agreement that OP was NTA, but they also found the situation weird.
"He's either ashamed of you or he's got a girlfriend at work. This isn't a minor issue it's a deal breaker. I hope he's your ex now. NTA" - Littleballoffur22
"NTA. He is waving all the red flags and you'd be stupid to ignore them." - gotherella27
"NTA - that's crazy sketchy and raises so many red flags."
"I immediately would think either they are doing something illegal, or your are probably the 'other' woman that he doesn't want them to know about."
"Either way, there is a zero percent chance that you hiding in the kitchen was innocent or nothing to worry about. He's the one hiding something."
"Good on you for standing up for yourself." - dookle14
"NTA he was embarrassed of introducing you to his friends. Next time don't tolerate that kind of treatment."
"Either leave immediately or spring up on them in the first minute and tell them exactly what your boyfriend requested then leave."
"Sounds so sketchy!" - hello_friendss
"NTA."
"The only thing that might explain his behavior is that he is seeing someone else, and at least one of the visitors knows that person and might tell her about you."
"So not only is he treating you badly when you are around, he is cheating on you when you are not."
"Dump him. You can do better." – ThroarkAway
OP assured that she wasn't being kept secret from anyone else in her boyfriend's life. But that just leads to more questions.
Why would he ask her to do this?
"I am baffled and cannot imagine why he didn't want you to meet his friends 'like this.' What precisely was the issue? Why was he so insistent that they not know you exist or meet them 'like this?' (Whatever that means.) That sounds very sketchy to me."
"On top of that, why did he make you wait for an hour in a boring kitchen on one of the rare few occasions you could visit? It sounds like he didn't miss you, at all. If they were coming over and he didn't want them to meet you, then why did he invite you over?"
"'Disrespectful' is hiding your partner away from your friends. If he's so 'lucky' to know you, why is he not letting his friends know you too? NTA. This behavior is ridiculous."
"Ask him why he needed to hide someone he supposedly loves, and maybe rethink your choices going forward with him. I would never deal with a partner making me hide after inviting me over." – GlowingLimes
It's hard to just give the advice for someone to break up with their partner, but at minimum, this sounds sketchy. If he doesn't have a good explanation, it's not worth it to continue.
There's plenty of people out there who won't do this to you.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.