Everyone has had the experience of having to listen to an inappropriate joke. But some jokes are so inappropriate they cross way, way over a line.
A woman on Reddit found herself dealing with the latter situation when her parademic boyfriend told a truly appalling story from her job as if it was a funny anecdote.
He got angry when she didn't laugh, so she wasn't sure about how she'd handled things. So she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by adventurous_or_bored on the site, asked:
"AITA for reacting with disgust to my boyfriend sharing an experience he had as a paramedic?"
She explained:
"Hi, I am 23f dating a 33m. I'm feeling super conflicted right now after my boyfriend just shared a story with me about an experience he had while working as a paramedic."
"Basically, he told me this with the preface that it was a funny but extremely messed up story. He has a twisted sense of humor and his partner at work does, too… but I felt this was too far."
"On to the story: he arrived on scene of a 25 year old dead girl who had drowned and part of his job is to pronounce people dead and obtain a time of death. His partner and he unzipped the mesh bag that her body was in, and his partner said 'turn her over. I wanna see that ass. Did you see the way her back was arched when she was laying flat?'"
"My boyfriend proceeded to flip her over to see her ass (she wasn't naked, but wearing a bikini), and then flip her back and put her back in the bag. The police officers on the scene looked at them in disgust."
"My boyfriend expected me to laugh, but I think this is too far, and violative, and frankly a little gross. He says it's not that serious and regrets sharing it with me.
"AITA?"
Redditors were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
As you might guess, the Redditors were appalled by this story and firmly on OP's side.
"NTA"
"If I were in your shoes, I'd break up with him because there's no way I'd be able to look at him the same way. I'd probably go a step further and report them."
"It's creepy that your boyfriend and his partner sexualized the corpse of a girl who tragically lost her life. It's so disgusting and so disrespectful. It makes me wonder if they do the same with live unconscious people."
"They shouldn't be allowed to work with vulnerable people or anyone for that matter. So gross." --SnooTomatoes6167
"Honestly, I'm 100% for reporting him and his trash partner. I feel like anyone who can do that to a girl who just drowned in front of a group of cops is going to do a hell of a lot worse behind closed doors." --no_rxn
"Also, if this is the story he shares for a laugh with his girlfriend that paints a pretty damning picture of the things he might say or think in private or with his buddies." --TheRulerT
"There's a line between gallows humor and straight up predatory behavior and this dude leapt across it with this little stunt. So gross even the cops thought he went too far."
"This is definitely an instant dump." --DiTrastevere
"This is creepy and disrespectful behaviour and it really shows his character. I would end the relationship. NTA." --VegetableCulture126
"It's also creepy that a 33 year-old is dating a 23 year-old."
"INB4 'eh, ten years isn't that bad, when my mom and dad got together-' no, ten years is a big gap with those ages. I'm 32, and there's no way I'd wanna date someone in their early 20's, and I can't think of a good reason someone in their 30's would wanna spend a lot of time with the person I was at 23."
"And okay, hypothetically, maybe that gap can work if the older partner is extremely empathetic and compassionate and has a good sense of boundaries, but he obviously does not."
"He sexualized a fresh corpse and passes it off like a funny anecdote rather than a dark secret from his past. I'd be worried he's developed other concerning coping mechanisms to deal with the stress of this job. OP, RUN from this man." --VisualCelery
"The best part about it for me is that the BF included the part where the responding cops on the scene didn't find it funny either. He already got feedback on the awful joke about the dead girl and couldn't take the hint." --Jesoko
"Honestly, AITA surprises me sometimes but this is a level of depraved that would seriously freak me out. They thought it was FUNNY to sexualize a woman who had died tragically, and the implied necrophilia… Jesus fu*king Christ. Id break up with him and report him and his partner, in that order." --orangeandpinwheel
"...First of all: NTA. Not at all."
"OP, I'm a former nurse and I'm in medschool (in 5th year out of 6, in Europe) right now. I'd say my sense of humour is quite messed up. I believe most of people working in medicine have a very unique sense of humour."
"Not because we find it funny when something bad happens, but because sometime it helps us getting through the day. But one thing is to make jokes, speaking them out loud. Another thing is to actually do something to a patient or someone."
"This girl's corpse's still a patient and is still a human being. One thing that we learn working in medicine is that human beings still have the right of human dignity after death. And by doing what he did he actually lost all respect for this poor girl."
"He took away her dignity. And that's 100% not okay. If someone told me something like this, I'd not only look disgusted and speak up, I'd report this person."
"Also: maybe, by turning over her body, he erased some evidence, like a hair somewhere on her body. This guy definitely shouldn't be working as a paramedic. This guy is a perv who should rethink his life choices."
"I'm disgusted and I'm mad for this poor girl who not only lost her life, but her dignity. It was taken away from her from the person who should have protected it the most. Please overthink this relationship. Your bf had no right to do what he did and he has no respect for others." --babsibu
Here's hoping OP finds a different boyfriend, and fast.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.