Everyone has had the experience of having to listen to an inappropriate joke. But some jokes are so inappropriate they cross way, way over a line.
A woman on Reddit found herself dealing with the latter situation when her parademic boyfriend told a truly appalling story from her job as if it was a funny anecdote.
He got angry when she didn't laugh, so she wasn't sure about how she'd handled things. So she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by adventurous_or_bored on the site, asked:
"AITA for reacting with disgust to my boyfriend sharing an experience he had as a paramedic?"
She explained:
"Hi, I am 23f dating a 33m. I'm feeling super conflicted right now after my boyfriend just shared a story with me about an experience he had while working as a paramedic."
"Basically, he told me this with the preface that it was a funny but extremely messed up story. He has a twisted sense of humor and his partner at work does, too… but I felt this was too far."
"On to the story: he arrived on scene of a 25 year old dead girl who had drowned and part of his job is to pronounce people dead and obtain a time of death. His partner and he unzipped the mesh bag that her body was in, and his partner said 'turn her over. I wanna see that ass. Did you see the way her back was arched when she was laying flat?'"
"My boyfriend proceeded to flip her over to see her ass (she wasn't naked, but wearing a bikini), and then flip her back and put her back in the bag. The police officers on the scene looked at them in disgust."
"My boyfriend expected me to laugh, but I think this is too far, and violative, and frankly a little gross. He says it's not that serious and regrets sharing it with me.
"AITA?"
Redditors were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
As you might guess, the Redditors were appalled by this story and firmly on OP's side.
"NTA"
"If I were in your shoes, I'd break up with him because there's no way I'd be able to look at him the same way. I'd probably go a step further and report them."
"It's creepy that your boyfriend and his partner sexualized the corpse of a girl who tragically lost her life. It's so disgusting and so disrespectful. It makes me wonder if they do the same with live unconscious people."
"They shouldn't be allowed to work with vulnerable people or anyone for that matter. So gross." --SnooTomatoes6167
"Honestly, I'm 100% for reporting him and his trash partner. I feel like anyone who can do that to a girl who just drowned in front of a group of cops is going to do a hell of a lot worse behind closed doors." --no_rxn
"Also, if this is the story he shares for a laugh with his girlfriend that paints a pretty damning picture of the things he might say or think in private or with his buddies." --TheRulerT
"There's a line between gallows humor and straight up predatory behavior and this dude leapt across it with this little stunt. So gross even the cops thought he went too far."
"This is definitely an instant dump." --DiTrastevere
"This is creepy and disrespectful behaviour and it really shows his character. I would end the relationship. NTA." --VegetableCulture126
"It's also creepy that a 33 year-old is dating a 23 year-old."
"INB4 'eh, ten years isn't that bad, when my mom and dad got together-' no, ten years is a big gap with those ages. I'm 32, and there's no way I'd wanna date someone in their early 20's, and I can't think of a good reason someone in their 30's would wanna spend a lot of time with the person I was at 23."
"And okay, hypothetically, maybe that gap can work if the older partner is extremely empathetic and compassionate and has a good sense of boundaries, but he obviously does not."
"He sexualized a fresh corpse and passes it off like a funny anecdote rather than a dark secret from his past. I'd be worried he's developed other concerning coping mechanisms to deal with the stress of this job. OP, RUN from this man." --VisualCelery
"The best part about it for me is that the BF included the part where the responding cops on the scene didn't find it funny either. He already got feedback on the awful joke about the dead girl and couldn't take the hint." --Jesoko
"Honestly, AITA surprises me sometimes but this is a level of depraved that would seriously freak me out. They thought it was FUNNY to sexualize a woman who had died tragically, and the implied necrophilia… Jesus fu*king Christ. Id break up with him and report him and his partner, in that order." --orangeandpinwheel
"...First of all: NTA. Not at all."
"OP, I'm a former nurse and I'm in medschool (in 5th year out of 6, in Europe) right now. I'd say my sense of humour is quite messed up. I believe most of people working in medicine have a very unique sense of humour."
"Not because we find it funny when something bad happens, but because sometime it helps us getting through the day. But one thing is to make jokes, speaking them out loud. Another thing is to actually do something to a patient or someone."
"This girl's corpse's still a patient and is still a human being. One thing that we learn working in medicine is that human beings still have the right of human dignity after death. And by doing what he did he actually lost all respect for this poor girl."
"He took away her dignity. And that's 100% not okay. If someone told me something like this, I'd not only look disgusted and speak up, I'd report this person."
"Also: maybe, by turning over her body, he erased some evidence, like a hair somewhere on her body. This guy definitely shouldn't be working as a paramedic. This guy is a perv who should rethink his life choices."
"I'm disgusted and I'm mad for this poor girl who not only lost her life, but her dignity. It was taken away from her from the person who should have protected it the most. Please overthink this relationship. Your bf had no right to do what he did and he has no respect for others." --babsibu
Here's hoping OP finds a different boyfriend, and fast.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.