Any of us who have rented an apartment before can likely attest to the annoyance of a surprise visit paid either by our landlord or a community manager to make sure we’re taking care of the space.
Though this is typically something that’s agreed upon while signing the lease, accepting similar living check-ups from a romantic partner seems terribly sketchy, cringed the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor mysticorion5 had been seeing a woman for close to a year, and while he enjoyed the relationship, he also really enjoyed his privacy and his personal time.
When his girlfriend took it upon herself to start doing “surprise visits” and “inspections” to check on his living space and to see what he was up to when they weren’t together, the Original Poster (OP) felt overwhelmed and intruded upon.
He asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by getting annoyed that my girlfriend keeps doing ‘surprise visits’ to my apartment to check what I am doing?”
The OP liked the woman he was dating but still needed some privacy and personal time.
“I (28 Male) have been dating my girlfriend (26 Female) for about eight months.”
“We live separately, but we see each other a lot. I like my privacy, and I told her many times that I need space to recharge after work.”
“She said she understands.”
But the girlfriend’s “understanding” was not communicated through her actions.
“The issue is, she has started showing up without warning. At first, it was cute, like, ‘I got you coffee.'”
“But then it became her unlocking my door with the spare key I gave her for emergencies. She will just appear and say, ‘Surprise! I missed you.'”
“Sometimes I am in boxers, eating cereal, and watching dumb videos on my phone, and suddenly, she is in my kitchen, asking why I did not answer my texts.”
“Last week, she came in while I was on a work call, and she started hugging me from behind. My manager was on screen. I nearly dropped my laptop.”
The OP tried to set a boundary, but his girlfriend didn’t listen.
“I asked her to please text before coming. She laughed and said only people who have something to hide need warnings.”
“I said I just like to know when someone is entering my home. She rolled her eyes and said I am making rules like a landlord.”
“The part that really messed with me was when she said if we love each other, we don’t need privacy.”
The OP put a stop to her most recent visit.
“Yesterday, she tried to come again, and I did not open the door. I texted that I was tired and wanted a quiet night.”
“She later sent a long message that I overreacted and that she just wants to be close to me. I feel guilty but also kind of invaded.”
“Am I really overreacting by getting upset that she keeps showing up at my apartment without warning and just wanting some privacy?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that he was not overreacting to her overstepping boundaries.
“NOR. Time to take that key back. You’re entitled to privacy.” – AsparagusOverall8454
“She has proven that she is incapable of respecting your boundaries, so you need to protect your peace.”
“If this isn’t something she is capable of doing, she might not be the right person for you.”
“To be honest, she sounds like she has made you her whole world. That’s why she constantly needs your presence and to know what you’re doing. She needs some hobbies and or friends. You can’t be her whole world.” – A_SK_K
“It sounds like she has insecurity issues, and dating you, having your key, and checking on you won’t fix that insecurity or ‘need’ to be in your bubble at all hours of the day.”
“My ex used to ring me every morning between 7.45 and 7:50 while I was on site getting changed to start at 8:00 AM sharp. She wanted to chat. Literally nothing had happened except rest since we last spoke before going to bed the night before.”
“It was completely unnecessary and extremely disruptive, often making me late and getting a ticking off, and causing bad feeling between us when I’m constantly having to say, ‘Babe, I really have to go now… This conversation is making me late (again).’ She would also not take calls from me during the day because ‘she was at work.’ She was just ridiculously insecure.”
“I hope you want more for yourself, OP. NOR.” – Prestigious-Tiger100
“Some people have mental issues and need to stop depending on other people to bring them up every day. She needs to learn how to care more about herself and her own life than about only her boyfriend.”
“I’ve gone through the same situation many times because of my severe depression and anxiety. I used to be very insecure and depended on my partners to hold me up. Then when they broke up with me, I’d crumble and fall into a deep depression. She just needs to choose time to work on herself instead of using her boyfriend for leverage.” – ThatOneEmoSage
“Take the key, CHANGE THE LOCKS, and get rid of the girl. She’s being controlling and manipulative. Anyone who can’t respect your boundaries shouldn’t be in your life.” – Interesting_Novel997
Others were concerned that this was leading up to the girlfriend moving herself in.
“That happened to a very good friend of mine years ago. He came home from work one day, and the woman had moved in.”
“She lived a house away from him, and they began a dating relationship a year or so after he bought the house and moved in.”
“After they had been involved for a few months, she suggested that they trade keys in case of ’emergency.’ That lasted for about six months, and then, BOOM, he got home from work and there she was with all her stuff.”
“Unless you want that, I’d cut ties before it can happen. NOR.” – IToldYouIHeardBanjos
“The part where she says OP is ‘making rules like a landlord’ is a big, red warning sign that she’s going to up and move herself in one day while the OP isn’t home. She’s acting like it’s her place already.” – pray4mojo2020
“Honestly, she sounds really tone deaf and like she doesn’t really care what he says; she is going to do exactly what she wants to do. Huge red flags for not being great partner material. I would be running in the opposite direction immediately after getting my house key back.” – Agile_Menu_9776
“She seems like the kind of partner who’s going to remove the bathroom door because she’s worried about what you might be doing in there.”
“I swear this is giving me PTSD to dating a girl JUST like this. Any time my phone would vibrate in the evenings or chime because I got a text, I would feel my blood pressure and anxiety start to rise because I knew what was coming next… a big old fight.”
“Didn’t matter that I could show her the texts and be like, ‘Look, it’s just my brother!’ By that point, it was even the idea that it could be someone else that she was now mad about.” – MovieTrawler
“When my husband and I were dating, we didn’t exchange keys. We moved in together after two years, and then we both had the same keys.”
“We organized visits because we both worked full-time. It was the occasional weeknight, but mainly weekends, we saw each other.”
“I STILL need my recharge time and space, and I’ve been with him 12 years, married for three. Like, dude, let me space out for an hour after work, and then I will be your sounding board. Luckily, he appreciates that and gives me my time while he unwinds on games or whatever. We do both work remotely, and I need that decompression time.”
“She seems to be needy and clingy and doesn’t appreciate that you need your own space. This is after mere months, too. Imagine down the line, when you live togethe,r you would never have a moment’s peace. She might even think that moving in sooner will ‘solver all of your problems.’ I’d get out before she comes to that ‘conclusion.'” – fergie_89
Though the subReddit could appreciate a woman being excited about a relationship and wanting to move things forward, and they could even sympathize with a person still finding themselves and maybe leaning a little too hard on a relationship while figuring those things out, they drew the line with what the OP’s girlfriend was doing.
Even with the benefit of the doubt, letting herself into the OP’s apartment repeatedly, unplanned and unannounced, to check up on what he was doing and how he was living while she wasn’t with him, felt like a significant overstep and screamed of insecurity and a lack of trust.
If the girlfriend wanted to stay in the OP’s life, she needed to stay out of his apartment, unless she was invited over.