Every wedding is meant to be special.
And there probably isn't one single day in all 365 that isn't an anniversary for some couple.
Sharing wedding dates IS going to happen in life.
So why can't some people share nicely?
Redditor Grahamreaper12 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for having my wedding on the same day (different year) as my brother?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My G[irl]F[riend] and I just got engaged."
"She has a brain tumor (not cancer) that has accelerated our timeline."
"We are going to get legally married so that I can get her on my insurance for treatment and eventually brain surgery."
"Because she is going to need brain surgery, which will require a good portion of her head to be shaved and will leave a scar, she wants to have the formal wedding this year so she can feel beautiful and not have a bald spot/ scar."
"We have looked at a few venues, and we found one we love, and that is in our budget."
"The problem is that the only date they have available in 2026 is Halloween."
"My brother and his fiancée have said they are getting married on Halloween 2027, but they have not put money down on a venue, have not sent out save the dates, and honestly, I dont believe they have the money for this, so at best it is tentative in my book."
"I understand that choosing the same date might be considered a faux pas, so I asked my brother if it would bother him and offered that my fiancée and I celebrate our anniversary on the day we get legally married going forward instead of Halloween."
"This way, it could be considered his day, and we said we would have no Halloween theme or decorations if he wants that for his wedding and doesn't want us to have a similar theme."
"I expected some level of understanding, but he was bulls**t and told me not only can we not have our wedding on Halloween, but we also cannot have it in October at all."
'I am going to look at other venues and try and find something to not upset him, but ultimately, if I can't find something else that we love and can afford, I am just going to go ahead with the Halloween date."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. No one owns a date."
"Your situation is serious."
"Get married and be happy." ~ Confident_Gur_1635
"Agree, AND NOBODY cares about other people's anniversary dates. NTA." ~ 2Fluffy_Bunnies
"My sister ALMOST got married on my 6th wedding anniversary, and my husband and I were actually really excited to share an anniversary with them."
"We told them it's a great day to get married and how happy we were for them."
"They ended up falling in love with a venue that was booked that day, so our wedding anniversaries are now a week apart. We send them flowers every year to celebrate."
"OP NTA but given everything going on, your brother is." ~ majesticallymidnight
"We don't even remember our own anniversary, let alone someone else's."
"If the brother hasn't actually booked or paid for anything, then it's not his (their day)."
"The reason is strong enough that if my brother kicked up a fuss, I'd probably lose my sh*t at him and take the day regardless."
"I certainly wouldn't go to the effort of trying to find another venue/date." ~ Alfredthegiraffe20
"NTA, They dont own the date."
"My husband and I can rarely even remember our own, let alone anyone else's." ~ Organic-Mix-9422
"NTA. If the venue you love and can afford only has X date available and you're open to the date, go for it!"
"No one owns a date." ~ ehumanbeing
"NTA, but consider a legal marriage with a huge recommitment ceremony later."
"Sooner on Healthcare, sooner the surgery." ~ Repulsive-Hedgehog27
"NTA. Get married while you can; tomorrow isn't guaranteed." ~ Mukeli1584
"Your only mistake here was asking him in the first place and giving him a chance to object."
"The idea of owning a month is ridiculous even without your individual circumstances. NTA." ~ Possible_Day_6343
"NTA. Brain tumor surgery trumps all other considerations - just a complete free pass."
"If there wasn't a brain tumor, it gets closer, but you're still probably not an AH because they haven't booked anything." ~ EntireKangaroo148
"NTA. Okay, I feel like I need to sit him down and explain: you get a day."
"Not that date in perpetuity is reserved for you and only you."
"Where's his bloody compassion?"
"This is the stupidest thing to gatekeep."
"There's a whole year after your wedding for him to have everyone focus on him." ~ Sweeper1985
"NTA. Dude."
"I want to go off on your brother so fucking bad."
"Have your wedding when you can, ASAP."
"Don't worry about the day, he can get over much faster than if you wait to get her on your medical, wait to get treatment, and she f**king dies because your brother was being possessive over a date." ~ Thriillsy
"NTA. It's Halloween, dude."
"Like, no shade to anyone who's gotten married on Halloween, but it's not like it's a unique thing."
"It happens a LOT."
"I could get it if it were any other random day of the year, being a little upset by it or asking if you could maybe reconsider, but HALLOWEEN?"
"Does he know that MANY other people will be getting married on that very day, with Halloween decorations??"
"He'd better start writing emails."
"He definitely doesn't own the MONTH either."
"And I'm sorry, but if they haven't made any effort to secure their plans, then they can't say it's definitely happening anyway."
"You tried to give him a polite heads up, and it's nice that you did, but you absolutely can do whatever works for you and your fiancé." ~ justlemmeread
"NTA. He doesn't get to gatekeep the wedding date in an entirely different year."
"I think it's nice that you'll share an anniversary in future years."
"I'm sorry he doesn't see it that way."
"Don't let him impact your plans." ~ catsaway9
"NTA. Get married on Halloween."
"Multiple people in my family share anniversary dates."
"My cousin got married on my 5th anniversary."
"They brought out a cake for my me and my husband in the middle of their reception!"
"We hugged them and thanked them and sent it back to the kitchen and continued to celebrate their wedding."
"We took the cake to a different aunt's house and ate it with the family the next day."
"Your brother can't call dibs on a date, and especially not a month."
"When they have kids, are they going to say no to trick or treating because mommy and daddy have to celebrate their anniversary?" ~ Professional_Cat_996
"NTA In my experience, a wedding anniversary isn't something you generally celebrate with others. "
"It's a meaningful day to you and your spouse."
"Get married when you want."
"It's not even in the same year."
"Nobody owns a day or month in perpetuity." ~ beachbumm717
"NTA. My son and his wife have the same anniversary as his Mom and I do."
"It wasn't intentional, he's just a knucklehead (saying that lovingly) who didn't remember when our was."
"Not upset at all about it."
"We think it's cute." ~ DirectAccountant3253
"NTA- So, Halloween this year will just be the wedding celebration, but you will legally get married and celebrate the legal marriage date anniversary as your anniversary?"
"Your brother needs to move along."
"I get that technically you are having a wedding on a date he wants, but it's not your wedding date or anniversary."
"Choose the venue you like and enjoy your day."
"Make your official wedding day special too!" ~ sleepygrumpydoc
"NTA. He doesn't get to claim a day or a month."
"I share an anniversary date with a cousin."
"As far as parties in the future, no one has big anniversary parties except on the big years, and you won't have the same years."
"Let your fiancée have her dream wedding before she gets her scars and goes through that process." ~ RoguesAngel
"Don't know what obsession your brother has with Halloween."
"In fact, as life progresses and they have kids, etc., it's the worst day to celebrate a marriage anniversary, especially if they are gonna invite people."
"NTA... and do as you please."
"Your brother is a selfish AH." ~ Fine_Carpenter9774
"There are only 365 days in a year, 366 if it's a leap year."
"Everyone is going to share important dates with other people, which means that no one can lay claim to a date, especially if it's in a different year."
"I was born on my grandparents' anniversary and the birthday of a family friend."
"We got married on my great-grandparents' anniversary that they shared with great-grandparents on the other side of the family."
"One of my siblings was born on our Gram's birthday, my sister's fiancé has the same birthday as our cousin, and his daughter was born on our aunt's birthday."
"Our son was born on my great-grandmother's birthday."
"Do your own thing, you aren't trying to steal anyone's thunder, you're trying to make the best of a not great situation, and if your brother has a problem with that, it's a him problem, not a you problem. NTA." ~ tacotruckpanic
OP came back with an update...
"We are going to get legally married within the next couple of weeks, so she can get on my health insurance."
"The tumor she has isnt large enough for them to currently safely remove, so the doctors have advised that it needs to grow a little more so they can safely remove it without worry of causing damage to her brain."
"She still wants to have her day, even though we will technically be married, and wants it to happen before she has the surgery, which is what's causing us to need to get the ball rolling."
Reddit has your back, OP.
Your brother is out of line.
You and your love should go and have your fabulous day.
Here is to a great wedding and a speedy recovery for your lady.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp