In the heat of the moment, we say things we really don’t mean and wind up hurting those who are close to us.
Redditor dehumo is someone whose comment to his girlfriend may have gone too far.
After hearing some disheartening information about his girlfriend’s past, he visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for telling my girlfriend to use her brain?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So a bit of backstory, my girlfriend once used my nice kitchen knife to open a coconut, lo on behold the knife ended up disfigured and ruined. It was a funny moment which I blew off.”
“I recently bought new knife replacements and she decided to use one of them to open super glue and cut the tip off…”
“I ended up finding the knife on the kitchen chopping board with glue all stuck to it and the chopping board.”
“Obviously I’m pissed the knives are a week old, I comment saying it was careless and stupid, visibly frustrated. Then I said ‘next time use your brain’.”
“She clearly got upset at this comment and then decides to ignore me for the rest of the day. I try to move past it and make us lunch but she continues to act the same way.”
“I make a comment saying I know your pissed about what I said but let’s move on.”
“Refuses to move on, wake up this morning and she wants to talk about what happened, tells me ‘your not going to like what I’m going to say’ and proceeds to compare me with her father and calls me abusive.”
“I think it’s totally unwarranted and unfair…but AITA??”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors believed the OP was not the a**hole in this situation.
“NTA. I was a little on the fence until I read it a second time.”
“After using the knife to cut open the glue, she just left it all sitting out in the counter. To me that shows more than just a passing lapse of judgement.”
“She’s careless with other people’s belongings. What you said was not abusive, so her comparing you to her abusive father was completely unnecessary and makes me wonder if her father was actually abusive or just had expectations for her to generally do better and clean up after herself.” – Business-House-8232
“Not to mention I would consider ‘you’re acting like my abusive father’ more abusive than ‘use your brain.'”
“She obviously made a mistake that upset him. Yes, he needs to apologize for what he said, but she doesn’t seem to show any guilt for ruining his knives. Twice.”
“The second time she left it sitting with super glue on it. On a cutting board? Like that’s completely irresponsible and shows me she has no respect for other people’s things. Everyone knows how super glue works and to be careful with it.”
“Yet she decided to call him abusive, which seems like gaslighting to me. But I haven’t seen that word brought up yet in these comments.” – NyxiesPuppet
“NTA. That’s two knives ruined by her just doing whatever she wanted and not giving it a even second of thought, not to mention being completely disrespectful of your things.”
“Your response was a lot more tame than 90% of the people on earth, including the ones saying you’re an a**hole.” – PreOpTransCentaur
“NTA. Your girlfriend has consistently disrespected your property which you paid for and has not exercised her brain.”
“People on here are saying you have been abusive- I disagree. You’re rightly fed up of her disrespecting your property and costing you money in the process.”
“If she’s adult enough to have a boyfriend and to use a sharp knife, she is adult enough to know what knives are used for.” – majesticjewnicorn
“Use your brain isn’t calling somebody stupid, it’s saying that somebody isn’t thinking about what theyre doing, and doing it twice is a good example of that.” – Jannesvde
“Can I just say that ‘Next time use your brain’ absolutely PALES in comparison to ‘Your not going to like what I’m going to say – [you’re abusive just like my dad].'”
“One was said in the heat of anger and frustration – the other was carefully composed and thought out of in the space of an entire day, during which she was giving him the cold treatment.”
“She calculated one of the most devastating things she could say, and preambled it with ‘This will hurt you but I’m doing it anyway.'”
“That is so wrong, and were the genders reversed I’m not sure the comments would be as forgiving of her as they are.” – trentraps
“He said how she used the knife was careless and stupid. He didn’t call her stupid.”
“If youre cutting vegetables and someone says that your dice work is sloppy, they aren’t calling you a sloppy person. They are describing your knife skills.” – Asleep_Village
“NTA. Good knives can be very expensive and although I think your response was a little brash, you’re right – she SHOULD have used her brain.”
“If she knew that knife was expensive and important and a replacement for the last incident, what made her think she could pull off a similar stunt this time? And for her to not even bother cleaning up afterwards? Yeah, nta.” – chijeuburger
A majority of Redditors thought the OP’s comment was not as damaging as her comment comparing the OP to her abusive father, but both parties were a**holes.
Many also mentioned the couple may not be compatible.
“ESH, but, the GF is definitely TAH. OP, your choice of words could have been better, and that’s why your GF is acting like a petulant child.”
“On the other hand, there has to be some breakdown of communication between the two of you if she didn’t learn not to use your good chef’s knife for utility purposes.”
“When you replaced your good knives, you should have used that as a learning moment to teach her how to properly care for knives, their expense, upkeep, and that there are some things that scissors are far better for.”
“If she insists on using a knife to cut things open, make sure there’s a proper utility knife to use with the hardware and tools.”
“If you did do all that with her, then she just doesn’t have any respect for others or their belongings and perhaps it’s time to reconsider what deal breakers are going on in this relationship.” – lythandrel
“ESH. I think your girlfriend is very inconsiderate for not even proposing to replace the knives she ruined. And also for comparing you to her father.”
“Although you are right to tell her to think twice and use logic, knowing that you offended her you should have apologized to her.”
“Now you know that she came from an abusive background, and hearing those words, which she probably heard for much of her life must not be pleasant.”
“It doesn’t seem right to me, that you simply wanted to continue with your life and didn’t even apologize for hurting her.”
“When a stranger insults us, they can make us feel bad. But when a person we love does it, it hurts more. Consider that.” – hailulrich97
“ESH – while your comment isn’t great, your GF clearly doesn’t really respect your stuff and understand the value.”
“She should have been using a box cutter/razor blade or even a pair of scissors to open that super glue, not a kitchen knife that a person uses to prepare food.”
“On top of that, she leaves it with glue on the blade and chopping board? What was she doing that couldn’t wait for her to clean stuff up?” – edwadokun
“ESH. She didn’t respect your belongings. You didn’t address the situation in the right way, because what you said was received as insulting even though you may have not meant to be abusive, it triggered memories or abuse she had faced previously.”
“The right thing to do would’ve been to offer help with the coconut and suggest using a hammer, and making clear that using a knife could’ve resulted in injury.”
“And even so, you could’ve made it clear that she is not to use the new kitchen knives for anything other than food. Leaving the superglue to dry was a d*ck move but you didn’t need to throw insults.”
“Personally I would’ve asked she cleans the mess she made and if the knife was no longer usable then she should replace it or pay towards it. You break it you buy it.” – GoofyGooberette
“ESH. I think OP was right to be upset the way they were, but to say hurtful things in the moment just because you didn’t take a moment to compose yourself so you could avoid saying something that could be damaging to someone you’re supposed to care for is irresponsible.”
“Think about what you’re going to say before you say it.”
“You don’t understand the kinds of traumas she may have gone through before you came around and what words and phrases may trigger that response that she gave you.”
“It was wrong of her to ignore you like that and it was a series of silly mistakes that she made. Is it worth getting your point across so aggressively?” – hannahmatoo21
“ESH- There is a possibility that she is in fact not bright, in which case you may not only have hit a sensitive point, but also used the same words or phrasing that she heard a lot as a kid.”
“I understand you are frustrated about the knives but you need to separate out these issues:”
“First apologise and talk about the comments and how it made her feel without bringing up the knives at all, then when you both feel you’ve come to an understanding, talk about the knives. Calmly and with no name-calling.”
“Tell her how ruining the knives made you feel, tell her the price of the knives. Ask her if she needs any other tools around the house so kitchen knives aren’t her first port of call- do you have a hammer, a scissors, a drill, whatever it is she needs.”
“Offer to teach her to use any tools she’s not familiar with, offer to teach her kitchen knife maintenance.”
“And finally sit with her and watch some videos of chefs talking about their knives and how much they love them which might help her see them as more than just tools.” – Doodleparty
“This sort of thing is why I lock up my knives and measuring cups. Everybody else can get their own.”
“ESH. Your GF obviously sucks because she ISN’T using her brain before using your knives. However, you do too.”
“The actual act of saying ‘Next time use your brain’ is one thing. You were upset, it was in the heat of the moment, you were frustrated. We’ve all been there.”
“However, then saying ‘I know you’re pissed about what I said but let’s move on’ without first apologizing for insulting her moves you into A H territory.”
“Yes, your GF should apologize for ruining the knives, but that does not mean that you’re off the hook for insulting her, even though you were frustrated.”
“You’re an A H until you say sorry.” – conuly
Later in the thread, the OP gave an update.
“At this point I’ve apologised, properly but she refuses to accept the apologies. I apologised for what I said and for punishing her for a mistake.”
“She continues to stay upset and refuses to move past. I left the house as I don’t believe I deserve to be treated this way.”
“I accept I didn’t handle the situation well however ignoring me for 24 hours? How is that okay?”
“We are both a**holes.”
“Question, should I show her this thread?? Risky maneauvre….”
One Redditor gave their final answer.
“you need a new girlfriend me thinks….” – HonestCranberry8485