When someone does something truly meaningful for us, or for our family, our first instinct is usually to show our gratitude with a gift of some kind.
Sometimes, we may want this gift to be something that is beyond our own means, but that can be a group effort, with several people contributing towards it.
Things can get complicated when not everyone is on board with this idea, however.
A recent Redditor recently lost their mother, and their sister wanted to reward their late mother's caregiver.
While the original poster (OP) was on board with rewarding their mother's caregiver, they were more hesitant as to how their sister wanted to reward her.
Unfortunately, their sister was not going to take no for an answer.
Unsure of what to do, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not wanting to give my moms caregiver 10k bonus ?"
The OP explained why they found themselves at odds with their sister over giving their mother's caregiver a bonus:
"My mom passed away after being cared for by a private caregiver for about 9 months."
"The caregiver was paid for her services during that time."
"My sister now wants to give the caregiver an additional $50,000 gift and is asking each of the five siblings to contribute $10,000."
"Some of us feel that while the caregiver did meaningful work and deserves appreciation, this is a very large amount to ask and wasn't discussed or agreed upon beforehand."
"My sister is kind of forcing this upon everyone OR she will change my mom's state a trustee fee (she's in charge of that) to give money to the caregiver."
"She's forcing this on us."
"Either we give her the 10k each or she will use the estate to pay her the 50k and also keep extra money for herself."
"Please who is in the wrong here ?"
"I'm looking for outside opinions: Is this a reasonable request?"
"Should this be voluntary rather than expected?"
"I'd really appreciate honest perspectives."
"How do people usually handle situations like this?"
"Is it reasonable to ask siblings to contribute $10k each as a gift to a caregiver?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the A**hole for refusing to fork over $10K for their mother's caregiver.
Not only did everyone think that the demand of the OP's sister was completely unreasonable, but many even urged them to consider hiring a lawyer:
"NTA."
"Lawyer now."
"This is a suspiciously high amount, and I'd almost bet her game plan doesn't include the caregiver getting the full 50k, or possibly any of it, given how hard she's pushing this."- Some_word_some_wow
"Talk to a lawyer about your mum's estate, this is not how a trustee is supposed to operate, but laws vary, etc, etc."
"NTA but go speak to a lawyer!"- Just_River_7502
"NTA, but you need to talk to a lawyer."
"That is a ridiculous amount she wants to give, and then she wants to keep the rest?"
"Doesn't sound like she's handling the estate correctly."- summerbeachlover
"NTA but lawyer up and serve your sister."- JellyBelly1042
"NTA."
"That money is not going to the caregiver lol."
"Your sister is trying to steal from y'all."- milkdimension
"NTA."
"Y'all need lawyers."- ThatHellaHighHobbit
"NTA and what your sister is doing is likely highly illegal."
"Contact a lawyer right away and have the court appoint a neutral trustee."- MaxusBE
"That's way too much, and I would be surprised if she had the power to do that, even as the executrix."
"Check your state laws, but they're pretty strict about what can and can't be done with money from the estate."
"If it wasn't in the will, it seems unlikely that she could do that, but even if she can, it doesn't mean she should."
"Call a family meeting (in person or virtual) to discuss."
"NTA."- catsaway9
"NTA - you definitely need to bring an estates attorney into this."
"I'm pretty sure this isn't how the trustee of an estate is allowed to behave."
"Also, I seriously wonder if this isn't your sister's backhanded way of routing some cash to herself."
"Like, she *says* it's for the caregiver, and even if it were it'd be a *massive* tip - but I have a feeling she was going to take it upon herself to give the money to the caregiver after she'd collected it."
"And who knows how much would've actually made it to this person."
"This notion is just reinforced by the fact that, when challenged, she's resorting to weird justifications to charge fee that would go to herself."
"I'm not an attorney, but I'd bet $10k of my own cash money that this isn't legal behavior."- sowellfan
"NTA."
'50k is too much for a 'tip'."
"This was a paid service, not a tipped job."- Druid-Flowers1
"Get your own attorney and contest the executor going against the will and trying to force you out of your inheritance."
"NTA."- Federal-Ferret-970
"Giving a bonus would be good, but demanding that everyone give 10,000 each is kind of ridiculous."
"NTA!"- GoetheundLotte
"When I read the title I thought it was going to be 10k TOTAL, 2k from each of you."
"Even that is generous in my opinion."
"Especially since this was not discussed before hand this is very unreasonable."
"Maybe you and your siblings are all loaded, but in many cases some siblings are quite well off and others are far from it."
"NTA."- Imthatsick
"NTA."
"I think your sister wants to give herself a gift."- shaihalud69
"NTA."
"Something feels off here, given that your sister is the executor and is making this contribution mandatory."
"You should retain an attorney to look into this so your rights regarding division of the estate are upheld."- TheJokersWild53
"NTA."
"If she was a paid caregiver, there is no reason to give or expect a bonus of that amount."
"Something fishy is going on and you absolutely should look at getting an attorney."- BloomNurseRN
"NTA, and you should really look into retaining an attorney to get a preliminary injunction and/or temporary restraining order issued against your sister from taking any action to pay this person out of your mother's trust or estate."
"No reasonable person would give $10,000 (much less $50,000!) as a tip to a nurse/carer."
"$500-$1000 as an end-of-year Christmas bonus would be extremely generous."
"This isn't a normal job that gets tips like that, too."
"Either your sister is the dumbest person on the planet when it comes to money, or she's trying to embezzle $50k out of your mom's estate."
"Either way - lawyer up immediately."- The_Prince1513
"Yikes, why should she keep extra for herself?"
"I do think it should come from the estate, though. Why contribute 10K each if you were to inherit equally?"
"Did your sister do extra caregiving/care work for your mom?"
"Was the caregiver underpaid?"
"Is your sister in a relationship with the caregiver?"
"That's an insane bonus."
"It's not reasonable to demand, request fine, but it should be voluntary, and it should be a joint decision to pay out from the trust IMHO."
"With the info given, your sister is abusing her authority as the trustee, is she the only one?"
"Why?"
"NTA with the info given, your sister's behavior is suspicious."- stella-eurynome
"NTA."
"50k is craaaaaazy."- burnt-heterodoxy
"NTA."
"I could see giving the caregiver $10,000, but $50k is a LOT, unless we're talking about a multi-million dollar estate."
"I think your sister is really overstepping, and you and your other siblings need to discuss this with a lawyer."
"There are probably limits or standards for the trustee fee."- Jerseygirl2468
"NTA, but it's worth noting the caregiver may not even be able to accept such a large gift."
"Many companies that place caregivers do not allow their employees to accept significant gifts from their clients or client families because of the potential ethical problems."
"I suppose at that amount, the caregiver might just quit this job, take the money, and try to find another one--but as others have said, something doesn't really add up here."- lisa_lionheart84
"NTA."
"Like everyone else has said here, immediately talk to a lawyer, if you can get a consultation today, do so."
"I don't fully buy that it's for the caregiver."
"Or if it is, the caregiver and your sister are trying to do something together to screw over the rest of y'all."
"She can't just send money where she wants in the trust, it has to go according to y'all's mother's will."- MithosYggdrasill1992
It is very noble that the OP's sister wants to show her appreciation to her mother's caregiver.
That being said, $10K is not an amount many people can easily dole out.
Making it almost ludicrous that the OP's sister is forcing her siblings to dole out exactly that much.
Indeed, one can't help but wonder whether the suspicions of certain Redditors are accurate and whether the OP's sister wasn't planning to give that money to their mother's caregiver.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp