Lending out personal belongings isn't always easy.
It's especially stress-inducing when personal items are left to a person with a rough track record of not taking care of things.
They seem to always be the people who need to borrow.
This can cause a lot of drama in personal relationships.
Redditor j0lly_s wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to lend my laptop to my younger brother?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (23 Female]) have a 14-year-old younger brother."
"For context, I got my first laptop when I started college to study civil engineering."
"It was a 2-in-1 office laptop that also worked as a tablet."
"I only had it for less than a semester before the pandemic hit, and my parents decided to give it to my younger brother for online classes."
"After that, they got me a Dell G3."
"About a year later, he broke the first laptop, so they gave him my Dell."
"Then they bought me the one I currently have—an ASUS ROG Strix G16."
"Now, he's also managed to ruin the Dell."
"My parents are asking me to lend him my ASUS for just two weeks while they buy him a new one."
"I said no, and now everyone's upset with me."
"The thing is, my current laptop has all of my thesis work (graduation project) and personal files."
"I really can't afford to lose or damage anything."
"My brother has a track record—he's destroyed two laptops in under five years, lost two original chargers, and we're not even sure how careful he is with his stuff at school."
"For all I know, he's throwing it around or letting classmates mess with it."
"My laptop cost over $1,000, and the one they're planning to buy him is around $800."
"My parents told me if he ruins mine, they'll just give me the new one."
"But specs-wise, mine is clearly better, and that trade doesn't feel fair."
"I don't want to risk losing my work or ending up with a downgrade."
"Now my family is acting like I'm being selfish and not helping out when it's just for two weeks."
"But I feel like I'm just protecting something important to me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITA for saying no??"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, your family sucks."
"Also, as a fellow grad student, back up all your thesis work immediately to cloud storage, U[niversal] S[erial] B[us] and even to your own phone." ~ historical-anomali
"I was gonna say this!"
"Emailing yourself is great because very easy to do, it's not hard to sign in or get it set up on a new device, and finding the files again will be incredibly easy, especially if you make a new group to put them in." ~ shriekingintothevoid
"NTA, but be smart and back up all your graduate work."
"Desperate parents will do jacked up things." ~ curiousblondwonders
"NTA and tell your parents to get little Mr Destructo a used $100 Chromebook, not waste $800+ on a laptop he's sure to destroy in a year or two anyway."
"Hell, buy him eight, they still come out ahead (also, they should get the insurance no one bothers with)."
"Why on earth would it take two weeks?"
"Two days, tops." ~ shelwood46
"NTA. Also, as someone who almost lost half their thesis due to not backing my s**t up, please for the love of God, have your stuff stored in at least 3 places."
"Google One Drive is like $2 a month." ~ hammie95
"Bro, hell no."
"That's not some random laptop you use to write notes that you can just lend to any other laptop."
"That's a f**king G16, that's a beauty that he will ruin."
"Your parents don't understand that it's like he lost an old flip phone, and they're asking you to lend him your iPhone, and if he breaks, they'll give you the flip phone."
"Not to mention, everything else aside."
"I would never lend mine to someone if I had sensitive data on it that could be lost."
"F**k to the no." ~ SnooBananas4958
"LOL. Your parents are idiots."
"The kid ruined two laptops, so they want you to give him yours for the third time while they buy him a new one?"
"Tell them to buy him a bus ticket and a library card."
"You're not an a**hole."
"Your brother is irresponsible."
"You have important s**t on your laptop."
"He can do without."
"Classes are in person again."
"He needs a computer so bad, he can go to the school library, or use that bus ticket I recommended and go to the public library in your town." ~ shadho
"NTA. Your brother sounds like a little s**t." ~ Filthiest_Tleilaxu
"NTA. And the little chucklef**k will keep breaking all his sh*t until he has consequences, which your parents should know by now."
"They can get him a serviceable laptop off the rack and have it tomorrow, and they'll lose less money when he destroys it." ~ 30Helenssayf**koff
"Wait, isn't the G16 a gaming laptop?"
"My bet is that he wants it for gaming, and when your parents get his new one, he doesn't want to trade, and they will give you the new one, aka downgrade."
"NTA... but jeez, back up your thesis!" ~ Kaori18
"NTA. Your brother needs to learn the consequences of being hard on his devices."
"One of those is that he doesn't get to have a computer for a while."
"And your parents need to let him know that if he breaks this one that they will be buying a 5-year-old brick for him in 6 months." ~ fyrdude58
"Oh man, I forgot about the Dell G3 -- thanks for reminding me about it!"
"NTA -- your little brother needs to learn how to treat his tech devices."
"You have your studies and documentation on your laptop, and you need it for school work, so he can just wait until his new laptop comes in." ~ geekyheart225
"NTA and tell your brother to stop watching naughty stuff online."
"Unless he's physically breaking the laptops."
"Then he just needs to stop being a clumsy/angry person." ~ PhxFresh420
"NTA - Your laptop is your lifeline for your thesis, not a loaner for someone with a history of wrecking gear."
"You're not selfish - you're just done being the backup plan."
"Your parents are huge AHs for enabling your brother to break laptops without any consequences."
"Be careful, OP."
"As your parents bought the laptop, they will use this reason to force your hand." ~ w0ck0
"NTA. They are clearly favoring the boy."
"He's already ruined two previous laptops."
"By the way, you should have backup files of anything important on your laptop."
"If something happened to that laptop, it should only be an inconvenience to you because you have backup files for everything you need."
"If this is not true, then you need to do that as soon as possible."
"You will feel completely stupid if something happens to your files, and those files on the computer are the only ones you have." ~ Deep-Okra1461
"NTA, make save files just in case, also make sure that neither your parents nor your brother can take it if you are not looking."
"As the others said, those who can't take care of their stuff use the public option."
"Seems like your brother gets babied."
"Will he throw a tantrum when he hears a no and break yours out of anger?"
"Just asking since there are too many stories likely his."
"Don't let it go from your eyesight."
"People who call others selfish in these situations are more likely to just take what they want." ~ Dandechii
"Personally, I'm on your side - HOWEVER - you stated you're worried about losing your work."
"Don't you have it backed up to some online storage or a spare drive?"
"If you don't you're a damn fool."
"Do this ASAP because devices fail, get stolen, broken, or whatever, and I've read of people losing YEARS of work because they didn't back up their work... don't be that person."
"Do your backup NOW." ~ Mission_Mastodon_150
"NTA. I've had laptops for 20+ years now, and not once, not ever, have I 'ruined' one."
"I retire them."
"They are always in 'like new' condition until they finally get very tired, and I feel like I want something new, shiny, and pretty."
"Don't let the kid anywhere near your stuff. Ever." ~ Wwwweeeeeeee
"NTA, you have every logical reason not to trust him, considering the last two times they gave him your laptop, he broke both."
"And if he breaks this one or messes with your files, you're screwed in more ways than one."
"So, unless your family wants to also put down an entire school year's worth of pay up front and the cost of the specs in case your brother costs you your graduation, he can do without a laptop for a couple of weeks." ~ Blood_Edge
"NTA. He's clearly shown he cannot be trusted."
"Also, soft YTA to yourself."
"Google One or any of the other cloud storage services offer 15GB free."
"Use them to backup your life's work." ~ awjre
"NTA. They don't want your brother to have to go two weeks without a laptop, but they expect you to give up your laptop instead?"
"Even if he treated his laptops well, you shouldn't have to give up the laptop you work on your thesis on for two weeks." ~ theword12
"NTA. You should start protecting your files at this point and store them in the cloud, buy a hard drive, anything just to save copies on separate devices."
"I don't want to assume anything bad about your family, but they may try to use it without your permission." ~ Champiorado
"I support you not letting your brother use your computer; he's clearly careless, but I urge you to back up your computer on an external drive, which you keep separate from your computer." ~ Positive_Opposite540
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your brother has proven his irresponsibility.
Now he needs to prove responsibility, but not with your property.
You have every right to protect what's yours.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp