The birth of a baby is an exciting time for a family, but occasionally it can bring out some negative energy amongst family members.
Redditor Comfortable-Fall4478 recently became a grandmother, but this happy occasion has taken a turn.
The Original Poster’s (OP’s) daughter-in-law, the mother of the newborn, has exhibited a bit of a cold shoulder.
This has caused the OP some confusion, now leading her to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked:
“AITA for asking my son to bring my 6 week old granddaughter to visit me, without his fiancé?”
She went on to explain:
“Throwaway. [51-year-old female], my son is 29 and he and his fiancé “Jen” have a 6 week old daughter “Lily”…”
“…(she also has a [7-year-old] son that is not my sons child but I still consider him my grandbaby). I used to get along really well with Jen and told everyone she was like a daughter to me.”
“But when she got pregnant, she started acting weird toward me. Like I asked to be in the room for delivery and she said a clipped “no”…”
“…(despite letting her 7yo sons dads mom in the room for his delivery). No big deal, its her choice. But when I went to visit in the hospital afterwards she acted really put off that I was there.”
“I figured she was just tired and left after 20 minutes to give her space. But then it continued.”
“I have stopped in to see everyone about 5 times since she had the baby and every single time that I walk in, she gets really quiet.”
“Whenever I’m holding the baby she is hovering. She keeps snapping at me over small things.”
“Like how I’m holding the baby (had her on her belly on my arm or sideways across my knees on her belly) because ‘she’s crying, obviously she doesn’t like that so stop’.”
“Or snapping at me for things I say to the baby (like when she starts fussing, I said ‘you won’t get your own way with me, you cant play me like that’ in a baby voice, trying to calm her)…”
“…and she goes ‘she’s 4 weeks old, how exactly is she playing you?’”
“Then she got livid and actually kicked me out of the house one time because she picked up the baby for making the smallest of noises…”
“…and I told her the baby was going to get used to being held all the time if she kept doing that and she said ‘well it’s a good thing she’s my child and I don’t have to listen to your crying it out bullsh*t’.”
“Well, I went there on Thanksgiving and apparently it was her mother’s first time meeting the baby and of course the baby was all smiles and loved her grandma.”
“But when I got the chance to hold the baby, she immediately started screaming and was promptly taken from me.”
“I feel very slighted. I asked my son if he would bring the baby to visit me without his fiancé because I feel like his fiancés attitude toward me is the reason why the baby screams every time I hold her.”
“I definitely think she’s picking up on the hostility. I don’t know why she even dislikes me now but asking her currently would be pointless.”
“He told me he absolutely would not bring his daughter to my place without her mother because he wouldn’t do that to his fiancé (who has never been away from the baby thus far).”
“I told him they were purposely ruining my chance at a relationship with my granddaughter, and he said that wasn’t true and that I need to stop ‘pushing’ my old-fashioned beliefs…”
“…which is the first time I’ve heard of this.”
“AITA for expecting him to bring my granddaughter to me without her mom so I can have a relationship with her?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“You don’t know why she dislikes you? You never heard anyone saying you were pushing your beliefs before? Really?”
“Because I’ve been reading this for 30 seconds, and I know exactly why she dislikes you, and it’s because you are pushing your beliefs on her.”
“YTA. You are making this whole situation about you. Let them be a family together. Let them set the rules for how the baby is cared for unless they are doing something objectively dangerous.”
“(‘You might spoil the baby if you pick her up’ is not objectively dangerous.)”
“Let go of how you were deprived of what you seem to think is your right to be present at one of the most vulnerable moments of her life.”
“You can’t ruin a relationship with a 6-week-old baby. But you’re well on your way to ruining the relationships with your son and daughter-in-law.”
“Back way, way off if you ever hope to be welcome in their lives.” – EsmeWeatherwax7a
“YTA, sorry. Telling your future DIL that she shouldn’t hold the baby all the time because ‘the baby is going to get used to it’ incorporated three errors, and it seems like you didn’t notice any of them.”
“So I would guess that you have done a lot of other problematic things you haven’t noticed and this is raising your future DIL’s hackles.”
“The first error you made in that one instance was you criticized her parenting. Never criticize a child-in-law’s parenting unless it’s a matter of life and death.”
“The second error you made was that you used ‘I’m older and know better’ logic to contradict her.
“That never goes down well because it comes across as controlling – but also, modern parents generally believe that parenting techniques have improved over the decades…”
“…so your ‘old fashioned’ advice is going to be assumed to be wrong. You might as well tell her not to use a carseat, that’s how credible she will take your 30-years-old parenting advice to be.”
“The third error you made, and possibly the worst, is that you treated her like she has no idea how to be a mom when she actually already has a 7-year-old.”
“This isn’t her first time around the block, and you ignoring that will be taken, correctly, to be demeaning.”
“You’ve already described three things you did that are destined to antagonize her but you describe all of them as if they were completely fine…”
“asking to be in the delivery room (you’re supposed to wait to be invited, and, if not invited, you say nothing)…”
“telling the baby ‘You won’t get your own way with me’ (which, maybe was just said jokingly, but in context of your other mistakes, maybe not), and telling her she shouldn’t hold the baby all the time.”
“I’ll give you a pass on holding the baby a way your DIL didn’t like.”
“As long as you weren’t doing anything actively dangerous, I think your DIL should not treat you like you’re an idiot who has never held a baby before. That is hostile and controlling on her part.”
“However you’ll get nowhere confronting her about it, if something like that happens again, the person you should speak to is your son.”
“The best way to interact with your DIL is not to tear down her choices but to build her up. ‘I love how much you play with the baby, you’re a really good mom.’’
“‘I love how you’ve encouraged your son to be such an attentive big brother.’ Help out where you can, but ask first: ‘Would you like me to make you a quick lunch while you feed the baby?’…”
“…’What would you like?’ ‘Would you like me to read a story to [older child] while you put Rosa down for a nap?’”
I think you did correctly by addressing your concerns to your son rather than your future DIL but asking him to bring the baby without his fiance was not the right way to go about it.”
“I think it was fine for you to say you felt unwelcome and that your DIL behaves in a hostile manner towards you…”
“but probably would have been better if you had followed that with something like, ‘What can I do to make this better?’”
“I totally feel for you. I’m a mom with no daughters, only sons. Although I’ve made HUGE efforts to include my in-laws in my children’s lives…”
“…I definitely see that most mothers don’t make the same effort and some are pretty active about centering all their activities on their own parents and excluding their husband’s parents.”
“So I could easily be in your situation in future. At the same time, I also see the ways my MIL and FIL, albeit nice people, have undermined me and demeaned me…”
“…in their zeal to be The Authority Over Our Grandkids And Center of All Things, and I can totally understand how life-sucking that is for a DIL.” – Reasonable-Sale8611
“YTA. Time to back off a bit, clearly. You should have NEVER ASKED to be in the delivery room.”
“You then go on to be very dismissive about who she did invite. If you think you kept that attitude to yourself, know that you most certainly didn’t.”
“The ‘I don’t have to listen to your crying it out bullsh*t’ is VERY telling. You’ve obviously given much unsolicited and unwanted advice.”
“Let them make their own way. If they ask for advice or opinions, give it.”
“Asking for him to bring the baby alone is going to cut no ice with your son I’m GLAD to hear.”
“Read the room mom/ grandma.”
“Back. Off.”
“Respect that SHE IS THIS CHILD’S MOTHER.” – dart1126
“YTA”
“So many things to unpack here.”
“1. You want to separate your 6 week year old granddaughter from her mother? What about feedings? Ever thing of that?”
“2. Did you ask if you could come to the hospital to visit, or did you just show up? You sound bitter she wouldn’t let you in the delivery room.”
“Why would she? It’s her choice, but you’re upset by that choice.”
“3. You sound like you’re holding the baby completely wrong and you’re criticizing how she’s taking care of her kid.”
“It sounds like you are ruining your own chances because of your hostile behavior. It’s pretty understandable why she is watchful of you.”
“I bet there’s ton more you have done but are leaving out.” – Which-Tour2102
“‘I told him they were purposely ruining my chance at a relationship with my granddaughter’”
“YTA”
“Nobody wants to listen to MIL tell them that they’re doing motherhood all wrong, never mind that there are countless ways. Nobody is ‘trying to ruin’ a relationship but *YOU*.”
“This reads like you’re extremely pushy with them. If anyone is ruining a relationship, it’s you. I’m guessing that won’t be your first self-fulfilling prophecy.” – He_Who_Is_Person
Read the room, Grandma.
Well, Reddit was pretty clear about how they felt about this. How about you? Let us know in the comments.