Responsibility is to be accountable to someone or something for a task.
Whether your responsibility is to do dishes or clean up after a dog you are held by someone else as required to do the task.
So, what happens when there is no one else to hold you accountable, what responsibilities do you hold for yourself?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Cold-Range9355 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:Â
“AITA for saying that I am not available as a babysitter for my grandson and that my daughter will have to pay daycare expenses?”
Introductions.
My daughter (26F) was abandoned by her husband when my grandson was 3 months old. Since she couldn’t support herself, I let her move into my house.
I (56F) have a hectic routine where I do my things (work, gym, etc.) until 5PM and from 6PM to 8PM I stay with my grandson until my daughter arrives.
Currently, to help my daughter, I pay the expenses at home and she pays for daycare and the baby’s things (diapers, formula, etc.). And there’s still plenty left for her to save up to eventually move.
A needed break.
I decided that I would take a month off next month to rest, without necessarily traveling.
When my daughter found out about the vacation, she talked about the possibility of saving money on daycare to save up to move since I could stay with my grandson.
I immediately said no, as it is my rest and taking care of a child for 6h/5d+2h at night is not in my plans, but that I could help in the morning so she can rest, but the afternoon was out of the question (my grandson stays in daycare on afternoon)
She started crying, saying that she was trying to gain independence and eventually move out, but that being a single mother was so hard and I wasn’t making it any easier. Basically she begged me to at least stay another 3 hours, but I stuck to what I said.
I really want to rest and a 14 month old baby who is walking and curious I know I won’t get that rest, but I can’t help but feel guilty about my daughter’s situation. I love my grandson, but it is also my rest.
OP was left to wonder,
AITA?
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Logistics.
“NTA”
“If she takes her child out of daycare for a month, the spot will be filled by someone else, and she won’t have daycare at all.”
“The daycare provider obviously can’t afford to just hold the space open for her for a month without pay, they need to cover their own expenses.”
“Has she taken her husband to court for child support?”
“That needs to be done ASAP. It will do more for her long-term finances supporting her child than loosing daycare to try to save one month’s daycare cost.” ~ Jazzlike_Humor3340
“100% we had a family that kept their kid in daycare even though family could cover for the summer because the risk of losing the spot was too high.” ~ Fionaelaine4
“Yup, I pay for before and after school care I don’t technically need so I have a spot in the summer.”
“I drop my kids off about an hour before I have to be at work then go home and get ready for work. It’s $120/wk but worth it because I can’t be scrambling once school is out” ~ ladynutbar
Doing enough?
“NTA, you’re already doing a lot to help her.”
“She’s clearly struggling but you said you needed a month of rest and she heard ‘not doing anything can work full time as my nanny unpaid’ which is pretty awful of her.”
“Moving out is going to be a HUGE financial adjustment for your daughter considering how much you help her right now. It’s in her interest to not burn you out.” ~ ViolaVetch75
“NTA, you are helping her by providing housing and paying for those expenses while she saves what she can and by watching your grandson in the evenings.”
“You need to keep your boundaries and take care of yourself too.”
“Being a single parent is hard, I have 4 boys, my husband took off with my best friend after 19yrs of marriage.”
“My parents helped me but getting services through the state ie… WIC, food stamps, state healthcare and daycare help also helped tremendously.”
“If she hasn’t already, she needs to file for these services and she definitely needs to file for child support.”
“This will help her get on her feet quicker.”
“Most cities also have programs to help people get USDA loans or other federal programs.”
“I was able to buy a home 2.5yrs after he left through 1 such program. Prayers for you and your daughter. She sounds strong and will find her way through this!” ~ Severe-Nerve1265
“NTA.”
“Daughter pays childcare and child’s expenses. Nothing else. This is a case where you can never do too much for her, and she can never allow too little for you.” ~ Special-Stage13
“I’m sorry, you’re not making it any easier for her????”
“Go ahead and price out the value of what it would cost for her to live on her own, to pay all her own bills, and to hire someone else for the time you do take care of your grandson every day.”
“And go ahead and show her in no uncertain terms exactly how much easier you are making her life.”
“She’s had a bad thing happen and is in a tough spot, but good for you for sticking up for your own boundaries and needs.”
“You’re already shouldering a big load for her. She needs to pursue child support and whatever other programs she might be eligible for.”
“You are NTA.” ~ dora_teh_explorah
Rational vs emotional.
“NTA objectively, but if I were in your daughter’s situation I would still feel heartbroken.”
“Sh*t is so much harder for young adults now, young single parents even more so.”
“I’m beyond blessed to have a mother who understands this and wants to see me and my son survive and thrive.” ~ turntteacher
“I guess NTA but if my daughter was abandoned by a crap spouse and was that young and needed my help, wild horses couldn’t drag me away.”
“Being a parent-single parent – is hard enough.”
“I would help equip her to be the best mom ever since she will be all my grandchild would have. But you do you.” ~ Significant-Stage-54
Noone’s wrong here.
“NAH It sounds like you and your daughter are both at the end of your respective ropes.”
“She’s dealing with the heartbreak of being abandoned by a man who promised to stand by her in front of your god and government, raising her son without his father, and trying to move out of your home all over again.”
“You’re dealing with preparation for retirement, caring for your home, watching your grandson and emotionally supporting your devastated child.”
“Both of you are exhausted.”
“You both need rest.”
“Unfortunately circumstances are conspiring against you. Is she receiving support from her absent husband?”
“Is he fighting child support obligations? Is there a way the two of you can join forces on this front?” ~ LittleGreenSoldier
“NAH.”
“Your daughter is overwhelmed and saw an opportunity to try to move out faster and ease your burdens (yes, with a whole month of you babysitting .)”
“What she didn’t think about is removing her child from daycare for a month will probably lose your grandson’s spot.”
“They will not hold a spot for someone not paying for a month. Some daycares will give up your spot if you pay and miss too many days.”
“Remember that your daughter is trying to make you proud of her.”
“It isn’t easy being a single mom, especially now with rental cabals upping prices every time they sneeze or can make an extra penny.”
“OP you are doing a fantastic job being supportive and helping your daughter and grandson.”
“It’s just really, really tough out there right now.”
“A lot of people will probably tell you to kick her out and your daughter is ungrateful and blah blah blah but don’t worry about randoms on the internet.”
“AITA is a very judgemental sub (I’m here for it) and tends to get extreme opinions.”
“You do what is best for you and your family and don’t let the Negative Nancy’s get to you.” ~ JessVaping
Not everyone was so forgiving.
“YTA:”
“I completed understand wanting to rest and recharge, but your family is kinda in crisis mode here and you’re taking a month off to just sit at home and relax?”
“The people here are correct, you’re not the parent and not responsible for this kid, but your daughter is a single mom trying to make ends meet.”
“Daycare is a huge financial strain, and if you can afford to take a month off of working, maybe you could afford to help your daughter and wait until she has a safe place to live and independence before you take a month-long vacation?”
“Also yeah she needs to get the deadbeat dad to pay child support.” ~ Emiliana_Vonotny
“YTA.”
‘“It takes a village’ sounds good until it’s inconvenient” ~ DesperateScholar50
The idea that someone else’s involvement is required for something to be your responsibility has never really sat well with me.
I like to think that we are all capable of assigning our own tasks and taking and owning responsibility for those things that are ours.
Kindness isn’t always about meeting outside expectations; sometimes, it’s about meeting our own.