Dress codes at weddings are controversial. Some people consider it common courtesy, while others find it ridiculous.
But what if the dress code is just “please don’t wear a white dress if you’re not the bride”?
And what if a family member insists on wearing a white dress?
A bride-to-be turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after finding out a family member has a history of wearing a white dress at someone else’s wedding.
Puzzled_Dress9590 asked:
“AITA for telling my grandmother not to wear white at my wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (20, female) recently got engaged to my boyfriend (23, male) of 2 1/2 years.”
“For some context, my grandma (70, female) raised me, but I’ve always been closer to my Mom because my grandma is your stereotypical Christian conservative who always thinks she’s right… to be blunt.”
“She’s gotten better over the years, but she still has some growing to do, in my opinion.”
“Anyway, when I told my Mom about the engagement, she was over the moon. After talking for a bit, she asked if I wanted to see some pictures from when I was a kid/before I was born.”
“My Mom is very much the sentimental type and loves to take/show pictures. I, of course, said yes.”
“As we’re flipping through the pictures, we come across one of my Uncle’s wedding. In it was my Uncle, his now ex-wife, my Dad (his brother), and my Grandma.”
“I thought it was sweet, until I noticed my Grandma was wearing a long white dress with a beaded top, like a wedding dress. This struck me as odd, just because, wouldn’t you feel weird with someone else wearing white at your wedding?”
“A few days later, I talked to my fiancé about this. He told me if it was a true concern, I should talk to her about it.”
“I was already planning on it, but needed that final push.”
“So, when I went to her house, I told her about the engagement. She’s never liked my boyfriend only because he smokes marijuana (as do I), so she wasn’t thrilled about it, but she was accepting.”
“I told her I had seen a picture of her at my Uncle’s wedding wearing a white dress and how I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her doing the same at mine. I guess I was spot on because she got super defensive, saying I was ‘selfish’ and ‘inconsiderate’ and that it ‘wasn’t a big deal’.”
“Personally, I wanted to be the only one wearing white because if I’m paying hundreds—if not thousands—for a wedding dress, I’d like to stand out, even if I am the bride. It just feels kind of disrespectful.”
“Here’s where I think I might be the a**hole.”
“I got annoyed with her, for calling me names and berating me about my relationship—she was also bashing my fiancé in the process.”
“It might’ve been selfish of me to say, but I said something along the lines of ‘it is MY day, if you can’t do this one thing for me, maybe you shouldn’t come at all’.”
“Both of us were very heated in the moment, but I think I went a little too far looking back. She told me to get out, and we haven’t spoken since.”
“I just wanted to let her know as soon as possible, so she didn’t spend tons of money on a white dress. I didn’t mean to attack her; I just wanted her to know that wearing a white dress would make me very uncomfortable.”
“It didn’t start off as an argument.”
“My fiancé reassured me and said that if it was important to me, it should’ve been important to her. This happened a little over a week ago, and I just need some outside opinions.”
“I’m really in my head over this because she’s the woman who raised me. I really thought I was being selfish.”
“Plus this is the only wedding I’m ever planning to have you know? I want it to be special.”
“So, AITA?”
The OP later added:
“I wanted to clear this up. It’s not that I think people would mistake me for my Grandmother as the bride, it’s that her also wearing a wedding dress would make my day a little less special to me.”
“It’s hard to explain, but I just want to stand out, you know? Even if I am the bride.”
“I’m not trying to be that bridezilla that controls the color of everyone’s attire—people can wear whatever they want and whatever they’re comfortable in.”
“It absolutely feels like disrespect. Plus, not only has my Grandmother had her own wedding, she’s had THREE. With THREE different wedding dresses!”
“All I’m saying is, why does it have to be white?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I think I’m the a**hole, because I told my grandma that she shouldn’t come to my wedding at all if she refuses to wear a regular dress instead of a wedding gown.”
“I think it was selfish of me to say and just need outside opinions to see if I was in the right or wrong for uninviting her.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Every girl wants her wedding perfect, so it’s not wrong that you talked to your grandmother about that picture and asked her not to wear a white dress at your wedding.”
“Why can’t she be happy and let you enjoy the biggest day of your life? She can wear anything.”
“Calling you selfish or names, I don’t know what’s wrong with her.”
“She should be happy rather than arguing with you about her dress on your wedding day . Definitely NTA dear, it’s your wedding, your big day not hers.” ~ GForcePi
“Ask the grandma if this is the hill she wants to die on. She was simply asked not to wear one color to someone else’s event. Nothing more.”
“No one’s worried about attention or confusion, it’s about respect.”
“If the grandma refuses to show any for someone else’s event when she is simply a guest, then she has shown her true colors and doesn’t need to attend. Especially because the disrespect is not something new and she knows better.” ~ LuckyShamrocks
“Your Gran is old enough to understand that she’s the one who is selfish. NTA.” ~ No-BS4me
“Have a look at other wedding photos of the family. I’m guessing this is her thing and you’re ruining it for her.”
“It’s a very well known social faux pas to wear white to the wedding in this culture—which from accounts I’ve heard is usually done by mothers who want to relive their own day and command attention.” ~ SteveJobsPen
“NTA. You’re not being selfish, and I’d bet my next paycheck she’s doing it on purpose. Otherwise, why argue with you to wear white?” ~ roseofjuly
“The only reason to wear white to a wedding when you know the bride is wearing white is to be an a**hole.”
“EVERYONE knows that is rude. It’s like waving a sign saying ‘I don’t have any respect for the married couple or this wedding’. NTA.” ~ Aylauria
“NTA. As you say, your grandma has some growing up to do.”
“Wearing white at a wedding is about control and wanting to take away attention from the bride. There is literally no other reason to wear white unless the bride/groom do some color scheme reverse.”
“Your grandma is defensive of the white and bashes your boyfriend? She is a toddler.” ~ Dense_Island_5120
The OP provided an update:
“First, thank you for all of your opinions and comments. I have read as many as I can but saw some common questions I want to clarify.”
“My fiancé and I met when I was 18 and he was 21. We met through a dating app but also attended the same college together.”
“About her berating my relationship, I don’t see or talk to her too often and she’s been doing this since she found out he smoked (a year into the relationship). I understand how this is concerning, but we’re in this relationship for each other, not my grandma.”
“To the people saying I’m the a**hole for assuming she would wear white, you’re right. The picture is from a few months before I was born, so I get how I’m the a**hole in that sense.”
“I should’ve thought about it longer, but it is what it is.”
“To the people saying I’m making a big deal out of nothing, it turns out she ordered a white V-neck knee length dress for my wedding after the confrontation—found out from my Mom who talked to her after.”
“I was planning on hiring security anyways, but I’ll let them know if anyone shows up wearing white to not let them in before I’m told first. I’ll give them the option to change; if not, no entry.”
“It’s my wedding day, and like many people said, I’ll do it how I want. Thank you everyone!”
The OP is correct. It’s their wedding—their event—to plan and pay for. The guest list and dress code are completely up to them.
If someone doesn’t want to support them on that day, then they don’t need to be at their wedding.