Grandparents are going to have all sorts of reactions to how their kids choose to parent their grandchildren.
But coming up with a new name for your grandchild when you don't like the name she was given at birth might be going a little too far.
One mom realized this was exactly what her ex's parents were doing with her daughter, when they accidentally called her daughter by the fake name they had given her in front of her mother.
The Redditor, who has since deleted her account, shared her story on the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit, wondering if she had reacted too harshly to her ex's parents' actions.
The Redditor asked the thread:
"[Am I the a**hole] for hanging up on my daughter's grandparents when they called her the wrong name?"
The Redditor shared first a little about her daughter's name and their family situation.
"I gave my daughter a fairly common but not exactly conventional name. I'll use a similar but fake name for the purposes of this post, 'Luna'."
"My ex isn't involved in Luna's life that much. He was present for the first couple years but just didn't want to be a dad, so he pays child support and shows up every now and again (2 or 3 times a year) to see Luna, but that's about it."
"His parents, however, are involved. I've known them for years and my own parents aren't involved in my life, so they are Luna's only set of grandparents."
The issue with Luna's name first came up about two months ago.
"Luna is 8 years old. My ex's parents never really liked her name, and called it 'hippy dippy bulls**t' when I told them what her name was, but seemed to accept it and move on."
"The last time they spoke to Luna was over the phone about 2 months ago, and I heard them calling Luna 'Lily' over the loudspeaker. I'd never heard them call her that before and Luna frowned when she heard it, so after the call I asked Luna if that was a nickname they gave her, and she said yes."
"I asked if she liked it when they called her that, and she said no. I said that I'd never heard them call her that, and she said they only do it when I'm not there and she's been ignoring them when they call her Lily and saying she didn't like it, but then her nan says she's being rude so she feels like she has to respond to 'Lily'."
During their next video call, the Redditor took charge of the situation.
"Today we were meant to have a video call. I called them, said Luna had told me about 'Lily' and she didn't like it, and from now on [the] use of 'Lily' results in me hanging up on them."
"I then called Luna in, said I'd go check dinner, and I barely got to the door when I heard 'hi Lily!'."
"True to my word, I then walked the 2 or 3 steps back to the laptop, joined Luna on screen, and said 'bye' before I hung up on them."
There were varied reactions to the Redditor hanging up.
"Luna thought it was really funny and thanked me and my boyfriend agreed with me, but my ex and his parents are both mad at me, saying it was an honest mistake, they've been calling her Lily for years, and I can't expect them to break a habit like that so fast."
"They also want an apology for hanging up on them so abruptly. I've responded that I intend to do it again and again until they call Luna by the name she prefers."
"They've responded that this is very immature of me and I shouldn't be barring their access to Luna over 'petty' things like this."
The Redditor asked if she was in the wrong for her reaction.
"AITA (Am I the A**hole)?"
She also clarified two additional bits of information.
"Just to add: If Luna preferred being called Lily, I wouldn't be reacting so strongly, I'd just let them call her Lily and I'd do it, too, if that's what she wanted. Also there is no case for grandparent's rights."
Other Redditors voted on the OP's (Original Poster's) story, using the following scale:
- NTA: "Not the A**hole"
- YTA: "You're the A**hole"
- ESH: "Everybody Sucks Here"
- NAH: "No A**holes Here"
Some stated the OP was not TA, because she was defending her daughter's preference.
"NTA. It's disrespectful to you and especially to Luna. They clearly knew they were doing something wrong because they didn't do it when you were there, and it's just so inconsiderate to continue after Luna said she didn't like being called Lily." - TLynn7
"And they very clearly ARE able to 'break the habit' because they do it every time OP is around. If they can call the girl by her name when her mother is around there is no excuse for them to not also use the correct name when she's not."
"Also they need to apologize to their granddaughter for creating that 'habit' in the first place. They don't deserve one from OP. NTA" - DoctorsHouse
"NTA, calling her by a different name, one she doesn't like no less, is a HUGE boundary overstep."
"[And] I would say their lack of respect for you now requires you to be firm with them and to let them speak with her only when they apologize both to Luna and separately to you for the disrespect they have shown."
"If they resist, you can check in again about it in a few months after they've had time to reconsider." - Reddoraptor
"NTA! It's the name of their grandchild, and has been the same name she's had since she was born. Which judging by the fact that your daughter can talk and explain this, it's been a while. I have a feeling this isn't an 'accident', and they just don't like her name. Good on you for standing up for your little one." - SaltyManatee
Some agreed with this and said the grandparents also owe the Redditor and her daughter an apology.
"Also they want an apology? Hell no they can apologize to your daughter for not respecting her autonomy for saying she doesn't like being called 'Lily'" - VisibleSwitch
"NTA - doesn't the daughter deserve an apology for being given a nickname she is uncomfortable and dislikes?" - Equal-Doubt
Others went so far as to suggest that this was negative—and even dangerous, behavior on the ex's family's part—by teaching Luna to conceal information from her mother.
"NTA - they created a situation that makes your daughter uncomfortable, bullied her into going along with it, and told her to keep it a secret from you? Sketchy. An abrupt ending might be just the thing to retrain them." - chaenorrhinum
"The keep-it-a-secret-from-Mom part is the worst, ugh. These people suck." - Suedeltica
"This. Telling her to accept a new name and keep it secret from mom is super sketchy, mom now needs to actively protect her child from these people, whether it's something crazy like kidnapping or 'merely' forcing her to accept a new name she doesn't like and doesn't want, the grandparents have shown they cannot be trusted full stop." - Reddoraptor
"This is SUCH a big red flag."
"There is something seriously wrong with adults who tell children not to tell their parents about what they are doing."
"I'd put the grandparents in "time out" (No contact) for a week."
"If they don't apologize or double down, then it's two weeks etc. etc."
"Oh, and saying it's 'petty' is pure gaslighting."
"These are NOT good people." - pcnauta
No matter what the family's original intentions were, it's unanimous that they should at least listen to their granddaughter's name preference. What they want for her shouldn't really matter if they're discounting the name she really prefers.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.