The job industry is difficult to navigate right now, so if you have a job or career that you enjoy, and you have an opportunity to advance, it’s a wise decision to take advantage of it.
However, not everyone around you will understand how important your job or opportunities are, and they might not take you seriously, even if you’re dating them, cautioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Fragrant-Range-6363 was excited to go on a brief work trip to Japan to help her company expand and explore new horizons, and she was well aware that there would be time to do little else while there.
So when her boyfriend suggested he and his daughter go with her, she was skeptical about it being the family trip they were expecting, but when she realized that he also expected her or her company to foot the bill, too, the Original Poster (OP) put her foot down and protected her career.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to buy my boyfriend’s daughter a gift and silencing his notifications while I was away on a business trip?”
The OP had a unique opportunity to go on an international trip to help her company grow.
“I (32 Female) went on an eight-day business trip to Japan. I work as an external consultant for a company. This would be a visit to scale our services.”
“Three other colleagues and I would visit, but we would be at the same site for only two days until we were spread out to other areas.”
Her boyfriend, Bryan, had very different plans for her trip to Japan.
“I was very excited until I told my boyfriend, Bryan (38 Male), of eight months.”
“His reaction wasn’t very positive. I asked what was going on, and he said he was spaced out because of situations at his job, but he assured me everything was fine.”
“Days later, he asked if I could take him to Japan. This caught me off guard, and I said I needed to think about it.”
“Then he said he would want his daughter to come along, too.”
“I understand his point. She’s 17 (Female), loves anime, and has impressive knowledge of some very niche characters.”
“But also, I have my own kids (ages four and five) who I will not be taking on the trip, and I would rather share that experience with them, though I know bringing them would be unprofessional.”
The OP had other concerns about the logistics of the trip, as well.
“My accommodations were paid for by the client, and I had already confirmed the details. I got a very nice accommodation, but it was definitely booked for a single traveler. My colleagues had other rooms.”
“Bringing his daughter would require a separate bedroom or a suite. I would not go back to cancel on the accommodation or ask for a larger space (unthinkable) or do anything to mess up the schedule.”
“When I told Bryan, he said I should be able to ask for some changes.”
“I also realized that he wasn’t ready to pay for any of this, since he said he would reimburse me later. I’m financially okay, but the whole idea of this trip is to make more money, not spend it, and potentially be unable to recover it.”
“Also, this was never a vacation or anything, and he said things that showed me he didn’t understand or believe me that my team and I were on a tight schedule. I could surely spend time with him and his daughter after work, but I would be open to bringing them at another time.”
“I didn’t ask the client at all because I was embarrassed.”
“Also, I began to worry about his sense of humor. It’s not like I’ve mastered Japanese business etiquette, but I took the time to learn, and Bryan sometimes does things that get him into trouble. We would be having dinner with our client and colleagues, and I could either have him stay at the hotel (not a great way to treat a partner) or bring him along if that was permitted (awkward, especially if it messed up the accommodation schedule).”
Bryan and his daughter did not take the OP’s refusal well.
“When I candidly expressed this concern, he got extremely p**sed off and gave me the silent treatment.”
“This stressed me out, and I told him. I left for the airport while he was still not talking to me.”
“We talked only a few times while I was abroad.”
“His daughter did not reply to any of my messages. I don’t know if he falsely told her that she was getting an early high school graduation present (trip) or if she was just mad at me.”
“I found a huge plush version of an anime character that she loves, and I took a selfie with it, asking if she liked it, and she ignored me, so I did not buy it, even though I thought it might be a nice peace offering.”
“About two days before I flew back, he started texting me with requests. He wanted me to get this and that for his daughter and his nieces.”
“I got very angry because she didn’t even reply to my earlier texts or offer for a gift, and he didn’t even want to say goodbye or kiss me at the airport, but he had no problem asking for more and more stuff, and that put me off.”
“I told him that his daughter never replied to any of my messages, and he didn’t say anything about it. I ended up silencing his notifications and buying presents only for my family.”
The drama continued when the OP returned from her trip.
“When I got back, all I wanted was to spend time with my kids since I’ve never been away from them.”
“I kept putting off seeing Bryan until last Friday when we met for pizza, and he looked uncomfortable.”
“He said I let his daughter down by allowing her to think she was getting the plush toy and was also in disbelief when I confirmed that I didn’t bring her anything.”
“I told him that I didn’t think it mattered since she completely blanked me out.”
“We had a back-and-forth, but there was no resolution.”
“I feel more lost than when this whole thing started. I feel like he thinks a gift for his daughter was the solution to everything, and I disagree.”
The OP wanted to create a good life for herself and her two children, and she wasn’t sure Bryan and his daughter were a part of it.
“I’m doing my best to create a good future, and I’m a bit on the fence about continuing the relationship.”
“I care about him and his kid, but I’m afraid of being used/dragged down, and the way he pressured me made me really uncomfortable.”
“I’m also a bit hurt because I had built a relationship with his daughter, and not getting a single reply to my messages is honestly a bad look.”
“I’m tempted to think that she’s either angry because I didn’t agree to bringing them along, or that maybe he told her to ignore me.”
“I’m planning on ending things because I need clarity, but also, maybe I’m being unfair.”
“I think there’s the possibility that he got overly excited and got carried away, but I know he will likely be unable to pay me back.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were glad the OP didn’t pay for the trip and hoped she’d distance herself from the guy.
“This is way too much drama for eight months. I’m glad you didn’t get suckered into paying for his trip to Japan, but I’m surprised you are still talking to him. NTA. Lose the mooch!” – cassowary32
“He neither understands nor respects what she does for a living. He’s giving me secondhand embarrassment. I hope the OP leaves him in the dust. NTA.” – tyleritis
“I was relieved to read that OP did not cave and take him with her! It feels like the boyfriend has parasite tendencies. And at eight months?”
‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them! Dump the big baby.” – Snoosiekins
“He’s 38, but acting like he’s 16 years old. You don’t need high school drama in your life, when you want to have a relationship with a mature man, who actually acts his age, and makes good decisions.” – SissyLovesCuteAttire
“He wants her to pay big money for him and his daughter to have a free vacation. Which he will reimburse her for later. Sure, Jan. For two emotionally immature people, who give her the silent treatment when they don’t get their way.” – Known-Quantity2021
“I couldn’t believe a 38-year-old moron did this much drama with someone he had only been with for eight months. I think it’s been at least two decades since he stopped growing mentally.”
‘OP, based on everything in the post, you can definitely find a more mature boyfriend.” – DGHouseMD
Others were also glad the OP did not potentially hurt her career over this.
“A good way to torpedo your career is to ask for larger accommodations for your boyfriend and his daughter, and then bring them to business dinners, which could be formal affairs, and expect them to be shoehorned into the reservations.”
“What happens when the dinners morph into late nights with the group going to bars and other entertainment places? The boyfriend and his kid will tag along? The guy has no idea how business travel works and wants a free vacation.” – Known-Quantity2021
“If taking her kids would look unprofessional, how would it look if she took those two and had to explain she left her own kids at home? And how long until he made an a** of himself in front of her clients? Thanks, but no thanks.” – superculture9114
“Staying single, advancing in a career you care about, and dying alone is a much better option than dealing with this kind of irritation and stress on a regular basis… that would literally shorten one’s life expectancy, or will to live long.” – PaynlanDias
“A fiancé or husband might be accepted in the same room, except that some hotels have a per-person charge, or small beds.”
“But a boyfriend? Awkward. A daughter? No.”
“I have some awareness of Japanese business, and the more like a Japanese professional the behavior is, the better. Justifying personal hotel changes to a Japanese accountant would be awkward to difficult, and it would reflect badly on you, and on your company, which would again, reflect poorly on you.” – Hot-Win3571
“I was done when he first invited himself and his kid on OP’s dime to a work event in a different country.”
“This dude has no concept of appropriate behavior, and his daughter clearly learned the same from him.”
“I wouldn’t even meet up to break up. Just text, ‘Your behaviour has ruined this relationship, I’m done. I’ll box up your stuff and leave it on the porch.'” – Beth21286
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“We broke up last night.”
“He wanted to come to my place, but I didn’t allow it. I drove to his place instead and delivered two packages that had been delivered at my PO Box and told him that I would return any mail or package addressed to him from now on. I didn’t get out of my vehicle.”
“The conversation was very short but very sour. I told him that he acted too greedy and conceited for me to feel any interest in prolonging the relationship.”
“He tried to explain that his daughter was hurt because she had her hopes set on the trip, but I said this was a lesson for her so that she learns to work for her own things when she becomes an adult instead of piggybacking her way.”
“And also, I pointed out that this is on him, as a father, for filling her head with false information and encouraging her to lash out at people instead of loving unconditionally.”
“I took off to avoid more back and forth.”
“I asked him never to contact me again and blocked them both. I already changed my locks, changed all my streaming passwords, etc.”
“Thank you all for your advice. It really helped me see things clearly.”
Most people would love to travel to a country they’ve never seen and participate in an impromptu trip, especially with someone they’re developing a meaningful relationship with.
But that does not mean they have the right to coerce someone into spending money on them, either to travel or to provide a gift upon return.
If the boyfriend had used this trip as a means to start a conversation about a future family trip together, that would have been entirely different, and maybe even brainstorming a possible gift to provide his daughter upon return would have been helpful.
But trying to commandeer his girlfriend’s work trip, which would help her advance in her career, and then guilt-tripping her for not spending exorbitant amounts of money on him and his daughter without even a thank-you, was an unstoppable red flag and terrible look.