Grief comes in many forms and many stages.
Upon learning we've lost a loved one, not everyone instantly breaks down into tears, as is a common perception.
Some need to process the news they just heard, resulting in a wide range of emotions and reactions.
What often goes unsaid, but is universally true, is that grieving a loss is different depending on the person we lost.
Redditor LightFieldStudios was recently informed by his mother of a death.
The original poster (OP)'s reaction to this news was somewhat confusing to their mother.
When she confronted them about this, the OP gave an honest response, saying that they were more sad about a previous death than they were this one.
A remark that their mother didn't appreciate at all.
Concerned they may have been insensitive, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my mom I felt more when my goldfish died?"
The OP explained why their state of grief, or lack thereof, didn't sit well with their mother:
"Around a week ago, my sister and I were called upstairs and told that our uncle had died."
"I wasn't really surprised, so I went back to my room."
"My uncle had terminal cancer and had been expected to pass away for a while."
"I had already come to terms with the fact he was going to die."
"A few days ago, my mom and I were in the living room talking about the funeral plans, and my mom kept trying to get me to talk about how upset I was and my emotions regarding the whole thing."
"Truthfully, I don't have many feelings towards it."
"He had cancer and we knew he was going to die."
"I told my mom that I felt more upset when my childhood goldfish had died, which is the truth, but I might have been the a**hole for saying it out loud."
"My mom got mad at me and sent me to my room, and now she has been avoiding really talking to me at all."
"My uncle, who died, was my father's brother, not my mother's."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found almost no sympathy from the Reddit community, who almost unanimously agreed that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for telling their mother they were sadder when their goldfish died than they were their uncle.
Everyone agreed that even if that is the way the OP felt, it was simply unnecessary for them to make that remark.
"YTA, completely unnecessary to say."- Rackshaw_Bangem
"YTA."
"Diplomacy is not your strong suit."
"You may feel like this, but that doesn't mean you should say it." - Heavy-Equipment8389
"While the Truth, you could have been more constructive, like 'I've came to terms with his death a while ago Mom, I'll miss him but He is in a better place'."
"Sadly YTA for not thinking before speaking."-Lunar-Eclipse0204
"YTA."
"Not because of how you felt about the expected death of your uncle, but because of the insanely callous lack of empathy to your mother that making that comment to her demonstrates."
"She's grieving."
"And now she has to worry that her kid is a psychopath who can't feel empathy."
"Please apologize."
"She doesn't need this worry, too."- SlinkyMalinky20
"YTA."
"You could have said something like, 'I didn't really feel that close to him'."
"Remember, he was her BROTHER and she probably feels terrible right now, so tread carefully."
"You honestly sound kind of cold."- Ok_Material_5634
"YTA."
"You do not need to personally feel grief-stricken in life every time someone dies."
"But you do need to respect that he is a human being whose life had worth, and now he is gone."
"And there are people who cared about him who are grieving."- Muppet_Fitzgerald
"How old are you?"
"10 and under, you get a pass."
"If you are more than 11 YTA!"- Straight-Note-8935
"YTA."
"That was definitely an 'inside thought' that you don't say out loud."
"A better way to have gone about it was 'it's unfortunate, but we knew the time was coming, so I felt prepared for the news'."- UnPracticed_Pagan
"YTA."
"You are not the only person in the universe with an inner emotional life."
"Your comment was really heartless, particularly while your mother is grieving."- morgaine125
"YTA."
"Some things are better kept to yourself."- Living-Assumption272
"YTA for saying it out loud."
"Everyone grieves differently, but that is something you need to keep to yourself when other people are actively grieving."- Former_Inflation9735
"YTA."
"While it's fine to feel that way, you don't tell your mother."
"That's just f*cked up."
"This is one of those 'keep it to yourself' things."
"Just think before you speak next time, and it'll be all good."- pupuyt7701
"YTA."
"You could've said you'd already come to terms with the fact that he was going to die a long time ago you didn't have to be so callous."
"What you said does not reflect how you actually felt in the post but what it does say is 'I couldn't give less of a sh*t about his death because I cared as much for him as i would a goldfish'."
"This entire post just makes you seem like an insensitive, un-empathetic a**."- Empty-Position-7014
"YTA."
"For saying it to your mom, who was his sister and presumably loved him, and is mourning him; also YTA for being so cold about the loss of your uncle."
"Did you not know him well?"
"Did you not have any affection or attachment to him?"
"Perhaps not, but you still should show basic respect for a close relative passing away from a dreadful illness before his time."
"I'm guessing you are young, and your mother and uncle are fairly young, too."
"Comparing your uncle's death to your goldfish's death is inappropriate."
"Of course, you can love a goldfish, but a human being and a goldfish are very different things."
"Comparing anyone's death to another being's is an unnecessary thing to do."-Euphoric_Travel2541
"YTA."
"Your mother is grieving, support her instead of being a snotty a**hole."- BeterP
"YTA in the way that you said this."
"Not for how you feel."
"Everyone processes death differently."
"Future reference, though, never compare a human to a goldfish."
"While it may have been a really great goldfish, no one would take that lightly."
"Depending on how long your parents have been married, your uncle could have been like a brother to your mom."
"Just... don't say that at the funeral."
"Have a bit of empathy for your parents."
"It's great you had already made peace with your uncle's passing, but the rest of the family probably hasn't."- Ok_Ordinary2191
"YTA."
"It's fine to feel that way, but it's not ok to tell that to someone who is grieving."
"Think before you speak."- PavlovaToes
"YTA."
"You may have been honest, but comparing a human to a goldfish sounds like you're belittling the human."
"Poor choice of words."- WalkingOnSunshine83
"YTA."
"Of course, YTA."
"Be a human being and show compassion."- Jewbacca_429
"YTA That's not the kind of thing you say to somebody who is in mourning."
"You need to grow up."- leftycatt7700
"Yes, YTA."
"She cared, and you dumped on her."
"You can make snotty comments to people outside the circle of grief, not inside it."-GnomieOk4136
"YTA. Your mom lost her brother and is processing her feelings."
"She is upset and could use some support."
"She definitely doesn't need her child to callously say their goldfish was more important."
"Instead, you could have said something like 'I'm okay right now and I appreciate you checking in on me. How can I support you?'"
"Be a better empathic person."- EfficiencyForsaken96
"YTA."
"You don't have to feign grief, but come on."
"Obviously, you were annoyed at her pressuring you to express sadness, and I get that's annoying."
"But you surely recognize that was a d*ckish thing to say, even if it's accurate to your feelings."
"A human being that you both knew died."- StatusTics
"YTA."
"Im genuinely appalled that you even thought this was appropiate to say."
"A simple 'Mom, Im fine. I came to terms with it a long time ago' would've gotten the message across."- Life_as_a_new_weeb
"YTA."
"'Yeah I know your brother died, but I don't really care' is an AH thing to say."- yourlittlebirdie
"YTA."
"Even if you weren't close to your uncle, presumably this is your mother's brother, and she's dealing with her own grief."
"You didn't have to be so harsh to your mother, who is probably upset, even if she doesn't recognize that it's not hitting you the same way it is to her."- RuthBourbon
No one can change the way the OP felt.
Even so, it's hard to understand why the OP felt it was necessary to share that particular bit of information.
Or, better yet, perhaps the OP could have shifted their focus to how their family was dealing with this difficult news instead of being honest about how they felt.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp