Content Warning: Child loss, miscarriage, stillborn, grief, and domestic violence
Everyone has their own ways of grieving, especially when they lose someone particularly close to them.
But when it comes to parents grieving a child, their grieving processes can be wildly different from one another, from sinking into those feelings to redirecting them entirely into a projet or another person, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Positive-You-385 was still grieving the loss of her stillborn child when her sister-in-law came knocking on her door, pregnant and in need of help. She and her husband, of course, happily invited her to stay with them for a while.
But when her husband started prioritizing her sister and future baby ahead of her, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure this living situation was going to work out.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for yelling at my pregnant sister-in-law (SIL) and telling my husband to choose me or her?”
The OP recently had a miscarriage and was grieving.
“I (29 Female) have been married to my husband for eight years.”
“About two months ago, I had my third miscarriage (at 31 weeks). I won’t be talking about it because it makes me feel so depressed, but you’ll need to remember this.”
When her sister-in-law (SIL) needed help, the OP and her husband welcomed her in.
“About four months ago, my sister-in-law (20 Female) came crying at our doorstep, telling us she was pregnant and her boyfriend didn’t want anything to do with the pregnancy and had nowhere to go.”
“My husband and I openly took her in and welcomed her into our home with open arms.”
“For the first few weeks, it was really hard for her (understandably). I sat with her for hours, holding her when she cried, binging our favorite TV shows, and eating so much ice cream we quite literally fell into a coma.”
“It was really bonding for us (so I thought).”
But then the OP’s SIL crossed a major boundary.
“Here’s where things start going downhill, I take pride in my neat, clean home. My sister-in-law on the other hand did not. She would leave her clothes all around the house, leave her dirty dishes wherever, and even went as far as to leave her adult toys on our living room table.”
“I tried to talk to her directly before I talked to my husband, and she immediately started crying and told me she would try to be cleaner.”
“I hugged her, and told her it was okay, but this was a clear boundary for me. She told me it wouldn’t happen again.”
“But it only got worse. She told me I was expected to do her laundry, dishes, and clean her room daily because she’s the pregnant one.”
“Well, I do understand how hard it is being pregnant; I just couldn’t allow feeling like a maid in my own home (disclaimer: I bought this house, not my husband. it was all me), not to mention my recent loss of my child.”
The OP was shocked when her husband didn’t have her back.
“So, I told my husband, but what he told me shocked me. His exact words were, ‘Hunny, she’s going through a lot right now; we really should be helping her out. Plus, it might make you feel better to take care of someone who was pregnant.'”
“I was p**sed to say the least. ‘Make me feel better’?? ‘She’s going through a lot’?? ‘We need to help her’?? So letting her stay with us wasn’t enough?”
“While I don’t want to invalidate her pain, my husband and I were also going through our own problems.”
“So we moved on, and I did my best to maintain work and the household chores. My husband works 7:00 AM to 7:00 PM, so he isn’t around to help much, and I work full-time from home, so it’s been super stressful. When I even try to ask for help from my sister-in-law, she always makes an excuse, even if she’s just watching TV.”
“The one thing that pushed me over the edge was I went out to buy the one food that I have actually enjoyed eating after my miscarriage. I wrote my name on it and directly asked my sister-in-law to not eat it.”
“Well, I went to go to my fridge to get it, and you’ll never guess. She freaking ate it.”
“Now you may think, ‘It’s just food,’ but I buy all the groceries and basically pay all the bills. I don’t mind people having some of my food, but the one thing I ask not to be touched… gets touched.”
“I told my husband, and of course, he rubbed it into my face that she’s pregnant. I need to be less selfish, and life is about sacrifices.”
“I was so upset I told him I felt like he and my sister-in-law were the horrible roommates people talk about on Reddit. He didn’t take that well, lol (laughing out loud).”
But then the OP’s sister-in-law made an unimaginable demand.
“This all leads us to the title of my post. My sister-in-law planned a random baby shower party thing at my house.”
“I personally didn’t know if I could even be home when this was happening. I felt so hurt that she wouldn’t talk to me knowing everything that had happened and that she would just invite random strangers into another person’s home before asking.”
“My husband urged me to go and said it would permanently affect mine and her relationship. So, I told him I’d go.”
“About halfway through the party my husband and SIL announced that they wanted to show the nursery to everyone.”
“I was confused, what nursery? Was she staying that long? What room did she turn into a nursery?”
“They told everyone to head upstairs, and that’s when it hit me. They were talking about MY nursery, for MY baby I had JUST lost.”
“A wave of emotions hit me when I saw everyone in my baby’s nursery telling her what a good job they did setting it up. MY setup. For MY baby, that my body failed to give me.”
The OP had had enough.
“I just lost it. I started sobbing, and then that sadness turned into pure rage. I started yelling at my sister-in-law, telling her she was the foulest human for putting me through everything she had for the last few months, making me feel like I was a maid or an object for her convenience.”
“Through choked-up tears, I turned to my husband, whose jaw was on the floor. I turned my head to see his entire family just staring at me. I lost it again.”
“Yelling, I looked at my sister-in-law telling her, How dare she use my nursery for my baby, how dare she think she has the right?”
“What she told me made me fall to my knees sobbing, ‘It’s not my fault you couldn’t produce a child. Why let this go to waste? You’re so selfish.'”
“My husband tried to pick me up off the floor, but I yelled again, standing to my knees, which were now shaking. I told him, ‘Pick.'”
“A dumbfounded look appeared on his face, so I yelled again, ‘Pick, me or her.'”
“He couldn’t even muster up anything to say. I just looked at him, feeling pure betrayal.”
“I pushed past the crowd of family and ran straight up here to type this out. Even if no one sees this, at least it’s helped me let these emotions out.”
“Now’s the point where I ask, am I the a**hole?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that it was very clear the OP’s husband had chosen his sister over her.
“OP, I’m sorry to say, but your husband has already chosen your SIL, again and again.”
“I know some say Reddit is too quick to say divorce, but in this case, you need to kick them both out as soon as possible and focus on healing. That family is toxic as f**k, and if you stay with your husband, you will be dragged down and taken advantage of over and over again until you are a shell of yourself.”
“I’ve seen it happen to some incredibly kind, amazing women. They let a few rude comments go and then forgive some ‘mistakes’ because they feel like they have made a commitment and need to be the bigger person. Then they get beaten down mentally and emotionally, if not physically, to the point where that’s their norm, and it’s all they know.”
“You have no kids yet with this man. He has shown where his loyalties and priorities lie, and it’s not with you. Get out now while you can.”
“NTA. Good luck, OP.” – yesnomaybesoju
“NTA. I think that’s quite possibly the meanest, most hurtful, disrespectful thing I’ve seen on here yet. The betrayal of those words your SIL said to you while standing in your nursery is awful, vile, and disgusting. And he AGREES with her!”
“I’m so sorry OP. for all that you’ve been through. Kick her a** out ASAP and let your husband know if he ever treats you like that again, he’s out the door right behind her (that’s of course if you don’t kick him out ASAP too, which you’d be right to do).” – AssignmentFit461
“In my opinion, she should have blown up at the husband for enabling his sister and disregarding her feelings.”
“Her SIL is a major a**hole, especially after that comment, but the husband is the biggest AH. He was callous in his reaction to everything. He has shown his true character.”
“Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt of him being ignorant, following OP’s reaction to the nursery being used for SIL, a normal reaction would be to protect OP by kicking them out immediately (SIL could be at another family member’s house for the night/ few days) and talk to and comfort OP.”
“He didn’t and hasn’t been prioritizing you. This tells you a lot about where you are placed in his list of priorities. All the best, OP! Stay strong.” – psyky_
“Her husband was on board with giving away the nursery without any discussion. He also insisted she attend the baby shower, knowing what was coming. He’s irredeemable, in my opinion.”
“Maybe he was trying to avoid a scene? I’m glad they got one.” – beautybender
Others agreed and strongly advised the OP to break up with her husband.
“OP, you are already alone in this relationship. The house is yours. You don’t need him.”
“Consider that you are still in love w/attached to The Idea of his best self that only you see.”
“If he has been amazing and perfect, why isn’t he choosing to be that FOR YOU NOW?”
“You deserve better.”
“The stress of this relationship could be one of the hindrances to your ability to carry the child you long for. From just what you’ve written here today, he’s clueless. He doesn’t stand up for you because it’s an inconvenience to him.”
“He’s willing to supplant your dreams and hard work for his sister’s demands.”
“That’s not a good husband. That’s not a healthy husband. In every way possible, this is not a husband showing he loves you and is always on your side.”
“So you have to be. Be the person you deserve to be.”
“I know everything inside you feels shattered and terrified and ending this marriage now seems like it will devastate you. And it will hurt. It will be awful. But on the other side is happiness you haven’t known before.”
“We’re rooting for you!” – No_Appointment_7232
“NTA. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.”
“It’s maybe time to reconsider your marriage. Your husband disrespected you and didn’t take into consideration your feelings in YOUR home.”
“Tell your SIL to take her belongings and get out of the house immediately. It’s unacceptable behavior. You deserve respect. And you’re not a maid. You’re a person. With feelings. With traumas.”
“You need to heal. And for that, you need her out and maybe your husband for a moment, the time to think about what you want for your future.”
“You must be broken, and it’s so understandable, please seek help and therapy.”
“I wish you the best for the future.” – jade1312x
“At least the house belongs to OP. She needs to consult a lawyer ASAP to make sure that her assets are protected from them. I would serve eviction notices on both SIL and husband.”
“OP needs to have a lock installed ASAP on the nursery door if she cannot move everything out of it to a safe place.”
“I would give everything away to a stranger before letting SIL have anything.” – Avebury1
“You delivered a stillborn child. You did not have a miscarriage, OP.”
“You are NTA, and something weird is going on with your husband, his sister, and all the others. I am appalled that not a single person who was invited to that vile baby shower didn’t reach out to you to ask if you were okay with it being held at your home.”
“I am appalled that no one checked on you during the shower and asked how you were doing. And mostly, I’m appalled that no one didn’t rip your AH husband and SIL a new one when you broke down in YOUR baby’s nursery.”
“Please update us on how you’re doing. Please be ready to go back into your baby’s nursery and see things missing. For whatever reason, these people are intentionally hurting you. The next thing for them to do is steal your baby’s things.”
“My heart is breaking for you.” – destiny_kane48
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a lengthy update.
“After posting my story on Reddit, I sat on my bed, wiping my tears and telling myself I would not take this disrespect. I walked downstairs, shutting my nursery door on the way.”
“When I got downstairs, I was greeted with everyone comforting my sister-in-law. I kindly asked everyone besides my sister-in-law and husband to respectfully get the f**k out of my house.”
“After all the dirty looks and shaming, it was just my husband, sister-in-law, and myself. They sat their selves on the couch, not saying anything. I sat with them. The silence felt like forever; none of us had anything to say, and I knew I’d have to start the conversation.”
“I looked at my husband and said, ‘Did you decide?'”
“He looked at me, just staring. I asked again in a firm tone this time.”
“He ended up mumbling some sort of insult, and I couldn’t really make out what he said. Something with ‘b***hy.'”
“I stood up and told them both to get out, but then they wanted to talk, telling me this is all a misunderstanding, they were sorry, blah blah blah.”
“I grabbed a backpack from my shoe closet and told them to pack their s**t. My sister-in-law told me I couldn’t just make her leave, and I was a horrible person.”
“I laughed in her face and told her this is my house, and I can do whatever I wanted.”
“My husband stood next to me and told her it was only for a little while.”
“I turned to him and said, ‘Oh, you too, get out.'”
“He got all mad and told me we were a married couple and that this isn’t how marriage works.”
“I told him, no, it is not; marriage is where two people support each other, not where men treat their wives like s**t.”
“They both ended up leaving after many insults towards me.”
When her husband lashed out, the OP decided things were over between them.
“Oh, but wait, It’s not over. This morning, as I was getting ready for a Zoom meeting with a few other coworkers, my husband showed up.”
“I let him in, telling him to get whatever he needed and to go because I had to work.”
“He started apologizing and telling me he wanted to make it right.”
“I told him I just needed time away from him.”
“Then he threw in my face, ‘Well, it’s not my fault you lost our children. Maybe this would’ve never happened. My sister was right, you are selfish.'”
“I have never made my husband feel like he cannot grieve with me over this, never made him feel less than because of his pain. I turned around and slapped him in the face.”
“I never condone violence, and I’m very upset I would ever do that to another human, but I just couldn’t deal with this.”
“He took a step back and then threw all of my makeup on the floor (which I get), but then he started breaking all of my decor in my bathroom.”
“I yelled at him to stop and that I was sorry, but he just kept going, even going as far as punching a hole in my bathroom wall. It was like I was seeing all of his bottled-up emotions from our children’s deaths come out.”
“But he went too far when he tried to grab me, yelling in my face. I kicked him off and told him to get the f**k out.”
“He walked out of the bathroom, and I watched him break a few more items as he left. The second he left, I had a panic attack, looking at the mess he made, to even just seeing how much he hid his pain.”
The OP’s mom helped her take the next steps.
“I called my mother and told her everything that had been happening (I don’t talk to my family much due to some past trauma with them).”
“She told me she was on her way. The second she got here, I just broke down, and she held me. Then she stood up and started taking pictures of everything he broke.”
“I asked her what she was doing, and she turned to me and said, ‘We’re suing this piece of s**t.'”
“I honestly didn’t even argue, I was so hurt by everything my husband did to me.”
“My mom packed up my computer, and I grabbed a few outfits. My mom and I drove to a hotel, and she insisted on staying with me, while I finished up work my mom called a locksmith and my attorney.”
“I will be divorcing him as well.”
The OP wished things could have turned out differently.
“So, there it is, here’s the update everyone has been waiting for.”
“I feel guilty for just giving up on my husband and eight years of our marriage, but it’s time for a divorce. I can’t live like this, and neither can my husband.”
“I wish I could say we moved on and forgiven each other, and I wish I had gotten to see my sister-in-law have her baby, but that’s not reality.”
“If anything, else happens I will let you all know. Thank you, guys, for the support and help with this situation.”
From the initial post alone, the subReddit felt that the OP’s husband at least needed to be reminded of where his alliances should primarily lie, but many already felt it was time for the OP to part ways from him and start a new life of happiness and healing.
With the OP’s update, her husband’s behavior only served to seal the deal, whether it was based on grief or not.