Our lives can change dramatically based on seemingly small decisions.
Who we date, where we live, and what we had for lunch.
These choices spiral outwards and affect other choices and those affect others.
On and on until we find our circumstances radically different, or perpetually the same.
What happens, though, when the choices that you’ve made separate you from the people you love through no one’s fault, but through circumstance alone?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) YoghurtChucker when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
“AITA for not inviting one of my best friends to my wedding?”
First, some background.
“I (30 Male) left the UK about 7 years ago to move to the other side of the world by myself.”
“I broke things off with my ex of about 1.5 years just before this.”
“She was controlling and I wasn’t in the right space to be in a serious relationship so had to do what was best for me.”
Then some joyous news.
“Been with my now fiancé 6 years and getting married in February.”
“One of my best friends back home recently (6 months or so) started dating said ex.”
“I initially told him about the wedding and made sure he would be able to get time off work to come over for it.”
Everything was fine, until…
“When he told me he is now with my ex, I didn’t have a problem but he is now expecting to bring her to my wedding as a plus 1.
“Me, nor my fiancé think it is right to have an ex at our wedding, so have rescinded his invite. Since then, he hasn’t spoken to me at all.”
OP was left to wonder,
“Am I the a**hole?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some pointed out the rationality of OP’s position.
“Uninviting someone who was going to make you uncomfortable on your wedding day is perfectly acceptable.”
“Your friend is kind of weird thinking that he should bring your ex/his now GF to your wedding.”
“Prolly the ex’s influence bc she wants to ‘make you pay’ for breaking up with her.”
“You should prolly send an informal note, or make a phone call, explaining while you wanted him to attend, it would be inappropriate and unacceptable for him to bring that woman with him to the wedding.” ~ Huge_Industry_1259
“I think it’s pretty standard to not want an ex at your wedding, unless you happened to break up on really good terms.”
“Even then it’s still a bit dodgy because it’s a bit unfair on the spouse to be.”
“You/spouse are paying for everything so invite only people you would want to spend the money on” ~ AliquidLatine
“I agree with you.”
“Beyond the money though, I doubt anyone wants someone there whose primary purpose included having sex with their spouse.”
“She’s not a friend or anything since. Why would she even come? Smdh” ~ mayfeelthis
“You don’t want your ex at your wedding, which is totally fair.”
“Your friend made it clear he wouldn’t come without her, so why bother with an invitation when he told you he wasn’t coming?”
“You are fine with him dating her, you just don’t want her at your wedding, which I think is very reasonable. He made his choice, so just enjoy your wedding!” ~mfruitfly
For every rule, there is an exception.
“I’m going to my ex’s wedding next week and I’m super excited for it.”
“We have a son together but make better friends than romantic partners.”
“I absolutely love and adore his bride! I started our son calling her Mama Nene cause she’s his bonus mom and I’m doing her makeup for the day.” ~ TheNutellaQueen
“I broke up with one ex because he’s ace and I’m not.”
“It’s nobody’s fault, no-one led anybody on, we just weren’t going to work out as a couple.”
“We’re still friends. He wasn’t at my wedding in the end (it was family and extremely close friends only) but nobody would have minded.” ~ Doctor-Liz
“I was the maid of honor at my ex’s wedding, and he accompanied the matron of honor at my wedding.”
“He also wasn’t the only ex on either side (mine or my husband’s).”
“Some people have exes who they don’t hate.”
“Sorry you’ve apparently only had terrible breakups, but that doesn’t have to be true for everyone.”
“Some people are capable of realizing a relationship isn’t going to work out but still valuing the good qualities that made them initially want to date, and wishing the best for each other.” ~ Bananapanda123
Some pointed out that OP’s friend acted poorly.
“NTA I see two problems “
“1) Your friend date your ex”
“2) Him expecting she can come in your wedding and have the audacity to play cold to you because you refuse! All the situation is toxic.”
“So Huge NO and if he is not happy & start drama it will just show you another reason why he is not a good friend!”
“Stop arguing with people that selfish,cut them off,live your life & be happy!”
“Btw Congratulation & i wish both of you well” ~ Technical_Pumpkin_65
“Your wedding. You invite who you want there, and if your friend doesn’t respect your wishes about your ex, then he can’t come.”
“Maybe this friendship was going to end anyway, given this situation. Enjoy your day without the drama.” ~ alien_overlord_1001
There were, of course, personal stories.
“We allowed a friend to bring another +1 bc her husband couldn’t make it but made the mistake of not checking who the +1 would be. It ended up being my husband’s ex.”
“I thought it would be fine bc they ended on good terms. Spoiler alert – it was not.”
“I won’t list out everything she did that night for brevity’s sake, but it all culminated in a flipped table that held a lit candle, and my mom and aunt forcibly removing her from the reception.”
“We laugh about it now, but we also use it as a warning to our friends. So, don’t feel bad for standing your ground here.” ~ Dowawitch
“It totally depends on the circumstances of the breakup.”
“When I got married, I had two exes at my wedding because we remained great friends and they wouldn’t miss it for the world, and I would have been devastated if they hadn’t been able to come.”
“My hub had an ex there, too, a GREAT gal. Other exes on the other hand…. ummm no.”
“Sounds like this definitely wasn’t a good or pleasant or amicable breakup, so there’s no reason for that ex to be there. I can’t even fathom why she would WANT to come.”
“NTA.” ~ justputonashirt
Not everyone felt that there was a person to blame.
“It is weird to invite an ex unless you are good friends and everyone is in agreement.”
“BFF is ok to want to bring his GF as a plus one.”
“You said no he said fine I choose not to attend.”
“He may need to process that if he continues to date the ex that is going to change your relationship.”
“I will give him the benefit of the doubt that he may need time to process and decide if she is worth dating.”
“As this was years ago I will also give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she changed and isn’t controlling or what you may think is controlling BFF is fine with.”
“I just don’t think anyone is the AH unless he is pressuring you to invite her after asking and being told no.” ~ hope1083
“It’s fair to not want your ex to come to your wedding.”
“It’s also fair that your friend doesn’t want to fly to another country by himself or bring his gf and leave her by herself for hours while he attends your wedding.” ~ Blahblahblah0327
Some questioned how this happened at all.
“NTA it’s perfectly reasonable not to want an ex at your wedding and anyone questioning your reasoning doesn’t understand that it’s not exactly something a lot of people want.”
“On top of her being your ex she was also abusive towards you so your reasoning for not wanting her there because she’s an ex is sufficient of an answer and not wanting your ex there because of her abuse is MORE than enough of an answer as to why you wouldn’t want her there.”
“Your ‘friend’ isn’t a friend if he dates your abusive ex.~ AutisticMuffin97
“How does your best friend ended up with your ex?”
“Surely he knows what you went through with her. I just can’t understand how he would think it at all appropriate to bring her as his +1.”
“Side note: I’m just so glad that (except for celebrities) my best friend and I do not have the same taste in guys.” ~ Artistic-Rich6465
OP did return to add some clarity.
“Clarification: He didn’t receive a formal invite, he got a verbal one letting him know the date as well as a save the date prior to him insisting he was going to bring her.”
“Was told he can come but without her, said he wouldn’t, so was not sent the formal invite.”
Sometimes it is very easy to predict the course a decision will set for us.
Going to a particular school or taking a certain job.
Other times it can be very difficult to predict where a line of decisions will take us.
Either way, choose wisely.