Family can become especially dramatic when it comes to large events, such as weddings.
Everyone seems to have an opinion on everything.
So much of what the lovebirds envision can get distorted by other people's demands and requests.
This makes the planning so much more stressful.
Redditor Optimal-Carpet784 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for uninviting my parents from my wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (45 M[ale]) am getting married to my fiancé (49 M) next week and my family has done nothing but make my life harder."
"I want a G[luten]-F[ree] cake for my husband-to-be?"
"Them... 'No. Those don't taste as good. Only make it 1 tier of the cake.'"
"I want my family to wear blue for pictures."
"Them... 'No. They don't look good in blue. They prefer warm colors.'"
"I don't want my nephew to bring the rings down?"
"Them... 'But he'll miss out on such a big moment for his uncle!'"
"Every time I try and make a decision somebody has to come along and say something about how my decision is wrong."
"But I was willing to put up with all that."
"The last straw was earlier tonight when my parents insisted we have an open bar instead of a dry wedding."
"A dry wedding was our decision."
"There's no alcoholics on either side of our family."
"But we don't like drinking."
"We don't like how loud and obnoxious people become when they drink."
"We just wanted a simple, beautiful wedding."
"But my parents just could not turn down another opportunity to complain about something."
"Telling us about how 'Oh it's too hard to meet people without a drink or two' or 'It's a time to celebrate and party! At least have something for us to have!'"
"But I wasn't budging."
"I told them that the dry wedding was already decided, and if they don't want to stay for the reception, they can leave after the ceremony."
"My Dad chimed in with 'I guess I'll just have to drink beforehand then.'"
"And I lost it."
"I told him 'Actually, You won't even have to do that. I'm done. You're not coming. You've walked all over me this whole time. But this isn't about you. This day is about me and my fiancé. And if you can't stay sober to meet his family, then you don't need to meet them at all.'"
"My fiancé grabbed the keys, and he walked out with me."
"He supports my decision on this, luckily."
"But I can't help but feel bad."
"I'm their oldest kid finally getting married and I just told them they can't be there to see it."
"I'm wondering if I should allow a bottle of champagne at dinner just to appease them or if I should stick to the invite being taken away."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Well done for sticking up for yourself."
"Your parents/family should be making your life as easy as possible, not adding to the stress."
"I can only imagine that this is the type of behavior you've dealt with your whole life, but that doesn't make it okay."
"I don't know what 'the rings' are, but expecting your nephew to be able to put on a show against your wishes is crazy."
"I hope you have a fantastic wedding." ~ BoomBoomBoom123456
"NTA. It's your wedding, and you're entitled to have it how you want." ~ MerlinBiggs
"My son had a dry wedding, 'our' side was horrified."
"My response was that if you cannot enjoy yourself for a few hours at a gathering without alcohol then you have a serious problem and should seek help."
"If it helps, her parents also disrespected every decision the bride and groom made."
"I only told her that I would not wear dusty blue because it is a horrible color on me."
"She said it is a beautiful color."
"I put a dusty blue dress on and showed them."
"Son looked like he had a slug in his mouth and said yeah no, she can't wear that."
"But he also knew that I had my foot down and wouldn't do it. Rude?"
"Maybe, but I paid for 90% of the wedding and had no input unless I was specifically asked."
"My other son is getting married this year, the bride's family is now having a meltdown because he refuses to pay for alcohol since they don't drink." ~ Tinkerpro
"This is your wedding."
"The decisions are yours."
"Everyone knows there is a risk of cross-contamination with G[luten] F[ree] next to gluten."
"I like a drink but really?"
"They cannot go alcohol-free for one event?"
"NTA if they have nothing nice to say they shouldn't bother attending." ~ Individual_Metal_983
"I'm in two minds."
"I absolutely had a lot of this same nonsense and at the end of the day, it's your wedding."
"It is about your marriage."
"What you want should be accepted by those around you."
"It sounds like you've had no choice to set boundaries because of how critical and rude they've been."
"That said, weddings aren't JUST about you, full stop."
"I do believe you still owe guests a good time if you expect them to turn up and celebrate with you."
"Now I've been to many dry and non-dry weddings - and it does change the vibe."
"But it also depends on the context too - neither type, in my opinion, has been bad."
"I know when I turn up to a dry wedding, I'm not gonna be dancing on tables with those friends or family members."
"I'm cool with that."
"I think if your parents hadn't been so difficult earlier, you could have compromised with, say, one drink for a toast, but it sounds like you've been pushed so far you're now saying no on principle."
"I think if you need a drink so bad that you'll be willing to forego your own child's wedding, then that makes you an a**hole."
"But I also feel like, unless it's for a financial or religious reason, banning all alcohol consumption because you personally don't like it - especially when you yourself still don't have to drink - maybe feels a little shortsighted."
"But as you say, as a guest, you either suck it up or don't go!"
"I think some of the comments here implying that any and all forms of drinking are for losers are a bit unfair."
"So definitely NTA but maybe with a teeny tiny bit of YTA for your consideration." ~ FayeHasCatHands
"NTA. Not sure why any parent of a 45-year-old would think they get a final say in the wedding, they can offer an opinion, but should accept the final choices of the betrothed."
"Only if you want, I would text them the itinerary of the wedding (include all details..."1 pm to 5 pm, dry reception, buffet dinner, etc)."
"And specify they can come but only if they can be totally supportive of you and your partner's choices."
"This would include them not even expressing a negative viewpoint to any other guest." ~ AssociateMany102
"If you are paying for the wedding, then it is YOU and Your partner's decision."
"No one else's."
"Have what you want. Gluten-free cake, go for it."
"A Dry Wedding, it is your choice. It is better than having a drunken brawl at the wedding. "
"Child-free, or no nephew in the service, it is your choice."
"I would consider not inviting those who can not respect your choices. NTA." ~ Aggravating-Pain9249
"NTA. BUT WHY ARE YOU SHARING SO MUCH INFORMATION WITH YOUR FAMILY????"
"Stop this right now."
"You sound waaay too enmeshed with your parents."
"It's your wedding, your rules." ~ Ok_Excitement_3810
"NTA - however, weddings are normally very full for guests, and getting a bit drunk makes things more fun for others."
"Perhaps just elope and have a lunch/picnic to announce it." ~ TickityTickityBoom
"NTA. My granddaughter had a dry wedding."
"Her husband said that if the only reason someone was going to their wedding was for free drinks, they didn't need to be there." ~ Agreeable-Region-310
"NTA, it's your wedding so you get to plan your party."
"Your parents aren't wrong in the comments they made, but the day isn't about your guests."
"It's about you and your fiance." ~ SpinIggy
"NTA. Hold on to your beliefs!"
"This is your wedding and you and your fiancé should love it."
"If you compromise now on something you feel strongly about, where will it end?"
"They'll have demands about things in the future and will you continue to allow them to make you unhappy?" ~continually_trying
"NTA, but I had to check your ages; as middle-aged men, stop letting your family walk all over you."
"Have the wedding the way you and your fiancé want it, no ifs, ands, or buts about it." ~ schec1
"NTA. I uninvited my mom from my wedding; honestly, it was the best decision."
"I wanted a drama-free day and knew she'd bring drama."
"Her behavior leading up to the wedding gave me all the proof I needed."
"Don't feel guilty for putting you and your fiancé's well-being first." ~ BustAMove_13
"No, you are NTA."
"Honestly, if they want alcohol for only the wedding, I get it."
"I only drink on special occasions."
"But, if they drink all the time, I understand the want to not have whiskey or wine or anything there."
"It's true, people get crazy when they have alcohol, and it's your wedding, so they can't make demands."
"I understand your decision."
"Are they the only ones demanding things?"
"Like, have your fiance's family made demands too?"
"Just a question." ~ Delicious-Monk9015
"NTA, stick to not having them there, have a dry wedding and a gluten-free cake and meal, why should your fiancé's needs not be taken into account because of your parents?"
"They sound awful, controlling and overbearing."
"Have the beautiful and chilled wedding day the way you want it." ~ waspgirl72
"NTA. It's your wedding, but you don't have to go to the extreme of uninviting them."
"Set a boundary."
"No booze at our wedding."
"If that's a deal breaker, then we're sorry you're not coming." ~ Sadpepper2015
"NTA. Weddings always seem to bring out family drama."
"It's a shame because your day should be about you and your fiancé."
"I would suggest being sure about your feelings on everything before making your final decision."
"YOUR feelings."
"Will you look back on your wedding and wish they had been there?"
"If so, I would firmly tell them, 'We want you to be part of our special day, but we have carefully planned everything and are not taking suggestions on food and drink, wedding colors, or anything else.'"
"If you truly prefer they don't attend, that's fine, too."
"You're still NTA."
"Ultimately, this is your day, and you should go forward in whatever way makes it the most special and enjoyable."
"Congratulations, and I wish you a day filled with happiness and love." ~ Solinah
"It's your wedding so it's your rules, if anyone doesn't want to go by those rules, uninvite them and have someone at the door to stop them from crashing the event. NTA." ~ GirlDad2023_
"NTA. It's your wedding. "
"The guests and family should respect your plans for your special day."
"I'm sure we've all bent to weddings that we might have done a bit differently, but we keep our mouths shut."
"There's nothing objectionable about your plans — especially no alcohol."
"I've been to several dry weddings."
"Different reasons, history of alcoholism in the family, religion, not the guests' business."
"Immature of your dad to bait you; you shouldn't have let yourself be baited (hopefully, he really wouldn't have shown up plastered)."
"But it sounds like this was more the straw that broke the camel's back." ~ Suspicious_Habit_447
"NTA. If you two don't want alcohol, don't serve alcohol, and don't put out a bottle just for your parents, you've made a decision and it's a fine decision, don't be pressured into changing something important to you and your husband."
"What you could do is give them a chance to have a conversation with you about it."
"Explain to them how much their behavior bothers you and see what they say."
"From your point of view, they are making serious criticisms whereas from their point of vie,w they might think they're making helpful suggestions."
"We all have communication problems sometimes."
"Decide what you want to do from there."
"If it is just a communication issue and you want them there then re-invite them, but if they double down and try to control things or if they try to blame you for their actions then leave them out if that's what you feel is best."
"Just do your best, trust your heart, and have a really great day." ~ BoysenberryJellyfish
"NTA - they all sound exhausting and you need to stop engaging, they are trifling AHs."
"And the people saying 'what's wrong with just 1 layer of GF?'"
"Y'all read enough of this sub to know that's NOT HOW GF STUFF WORKS FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE SERIOUS REACTIONS!! 🙄😂"
"I'm a drinker and a dry wedding is fine by me but include that in your invites or email updates etc, so guests are aware."
"Stop allowing them to bully you - you are a grown adult getting married, so act like it and have a lovely wedding!" ~ solarama
"NTA they pushed and pushed and pushed... for what?"
"Just to be in control of... something that was not theirs to control?"
"No, go away people."
"Have a beautiful peaceful wedding without the anchors there dragging it all down and complaining about everything they didn't get to choose... incessantly."
"I wish you nothing but peace love and light."
"Be well." ~ Technical-Habit-5114
"You're definitely NTA... But be prepared for a more subdued, shorter reception if it's dry."
"Sounds like this is what you want!"
"People don't dance and cut up with strangers when they're sober, but there's still going to be really great conversations and good memories." ~ No_Scabs_InUnion
"NTA - you and your fiancè are free to have the wedding you want."
"And it doesn't seem like your parents/family have shown they truly want to attend your wedding anyway, since all they've done is complain about everything." ~ Money-Examination884
Reddit understands your decisions, OP.
It's your wedding, your day... your rules!
It is very possible to have a wedding sans alcohol.
A bottle of champagne would be nice, but not necessary.
You do you.
Congratulations!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp