When you’re in love with someone and decide to get married, most people would have a list of qualities they love about their significant other that bolsters their confidence that they’re doing the right thing.
But is it appropriate to call someone out for having a decided lack of reasons for marrying someone?
Redditor RoadOdeLoad recently sparked some drama after questioning his friend’s motives for getting hitched, so he turned to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) to see if he was in the wrong for doing so, asking:
“AITA for telling my friend he shouldn’t go through with his wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained how the conversation came about.
“My friend is getting married this weekend and we all took the full week off to go out of town and celebrate.”
“We were hanging out last night just me, him, and a couple other old friends. He said he was getting cold feet and wasn’t sure he would proceed.”
“To make a long story short we talked about it and he said he thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world so he wanted to marry her.”
“The others present said, ‘You want to marry her, great, that’s what’s happening now.'”
But the OP wasn’t satisfied with that answer.
“I kind of pressed on because he seemed uncertain and I said ‘Great, she’s beautiful. What else?’ And he couldn’t actually name anything concrete besides that they’d been together long enough that they had to get married.”
“So then he started to get worried again and I said, ‘look, maybe this is not the one. If you can’t think of a single other reason to do this then maybe you’re doing you and her a disservice and should hold off. Unless you can think of some other reasons, I wouldn’t do it.'”
His brutal honesty with the groom right before the wedding was not appreciated by the rest of the group.
“Party fizzled pretty quickly from there and a few people who were present for the discussion shot me texts afterwards saying I was an a**hole for doing that, that everyone feels that way before the big day, or that it wasn’t my place to say anything because whether or not he should or shouldn’t be doing this it’s too late now.”
“The general consensus was I had wildly overstepped my bounds in a way that made me the a**hole because no one is expected to give a real answer to that type of question.”
“I’m feeling really badly about it now because I thought I had his best interest in mind. Last thing I wants was to do the opposite. Especially as an invited guest and friend.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many agreed that not being able to name another reason for marrying someone is a big red flag.
“NTA. Cold feet is one thing… not being able to think of a reason to marry someone besides their looks? That’s worrisome. You spoke your truth and dude needed to hear it.”—GatoMcwitch
“I mean if he can’t name a single reason other than ‘she’s beautiful’. And the only reason for the wedding is ‘we’ve been dating for too long so we have to’. Then they probably shouldn’t be getting married.”
“So NTA. You brought up valid questions when he felt uncertain and he couldn’t answer them. Unless he was intoxicated, that’s a bad sign.”—unintentionaldespair
“NAH. You know what’s worse than your wedding getting canceled last minute?”
“Finding out in the near future that your marriage is crumbling because your husband only married you because you’re beautiful and thought he had to get married because you had been together so long.”
“There’s worse things than being single.”—triulliumsummer
“NTA”
“I am in a happy marriage myself. However, I know a lot of people who are divorced and many of them realized some time in the lead up to the wedding that things were not ok but felt trapped by the momentum of the event and the expectations of those around them.”
“You did nothing wrong in pointing out his options. Yes, everyone has moments of doubt but if his desire to commit to his fiancée is so weak he could be swayed by advice like this then this marriage was already doomed.”—LadyCass79
Although some thought the OP could’ve handled things differently instead of just putting him on the spot.
“NAH.”
“You are not in the wrong for trying to make sure that your friend is making the right choice in a life changing decision. Your other friends are also not in the wrong for feeling that you overstepped your bounds, however, and I do think that you could have approached the situation differently.”
“If you are super close to this friend, then this conversation should have happened beforehand. Presumably then you would also know the bride and have more of a reason for double checking that he is sure about his choice.”
“If you don’t know the bride and their relationship personally, then I don’t think it is your place to say something like “I wouldn’t do it’, which almost sounds like you’re giving advice on something you know nothing about (even if that was not your intention).”
“It is common to get cold feet and feel doubtful right before a wedding, it is a huge life decision after all.”
“Your friend also doesn’t necessarily need to be able to come up with specific reasons for marriage on the spot — maybe he does truly love her and he just can’t put the deeper things into words when he is already feeling anxious.”
“What you could have done instead (when your friend was struggling to come up with reasons), is help him think of reasons yourself.”
“‘Do you enjoy spending time with her?’ ‘Is she someone you want to commit yourself to?’ — easy yes/no questions about basic things that should be true if he is getting married.”
“Or just in general lean more towards the encouraging side, instead of immediately doubting the decision.”—libelluleao
“NAH. On one side, yes, people sometimes get temporary cold feet just because it’s a big decision, and they might need encouragement from their friends that they are not making a mistake.”
“But it looks like you were just trying to be a good friend by picking up on your friend’s hesitation, and asking them if they were sure for themselves which it looks like they aren’t.”
“When people are going through this is is best to let them come to conclusions in their own by themselves without leading them either which way.”
“By suggesting that he isn’t ready you might have out the idea in his head, maybe, but on the other hand the other friends insisting it is just cold feet are also dismissing him too. So both side are wrong.”
“This is honestly something that the man himself should be left to figure it out by himself. At this point you have done your part.”—Animegirl300
“Mild YTA. Based on the way you presented it, I’d say you actually handled it pretty delicately.”
“I think it was a good idea telling him to think, and not to break up or even necessarily advising that they don’t get married.”
“HOWEVER”
“A party is not always the setting for that kind of talk. Read the room, maybe encourage the groom-to-be to think just after, or with a phone call.”—RefreshingOatmeal
Despite maybe lacking some tact, the OP was only doing what he thought was right out of concern for his friend.
Now it’s up to his friend to decide whether or not to examine his relationship further before heading down the aisle—something he should’ve probably done *before* the week of his wedding.