Redditor Throwaway2119766 is a 43-year-old man who is getting remarried in June.
He doesn’t have a good relationship with his ex-wife with whom he has a 17-year-old daughter.
In advance of the wedding, the daughter received a “surprise” in the mail the father strongly objected to for a variety of reasons.
The Original Poster (OP) caused drama after taking care of the situation and later wondered if he was being inconsiderate of his daughter’s feelings.
He visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA For returning the dress my daughter’s mom sent to her to wear at my wedding?”
He explained:
“Me and my fiancee [Female 27] are getting married in June. I have a 17 year-old daughter ‘miranda’ who is slowly but actively establishing a good relationship with her stepmom.”
“They’re becoming closer and closer as time passes. This is our 3rd year together and so far things look good.”
“My ex wife, Miranda’s mom has been nasty after divorce, She’s always there complaining about how my fiancee * is the type of woman she absolutely hates since she knows her type is the type that alienates parents and steal their places* but my fiancee is nothing like that.”
“My ExWife’s behavior kept worsening. The worst incident happened last week.”
“Miranda received a package from her mom and when I asked she said her mom wanted to buy her the dress that she will wear at mine and my fiancee’s wedding.”
“When the package was opened all I saw was a white ball gown. I was absolutely in shocked and dismayed because first of all, it looked insanely like a real wedding dress.”
“And second, this is not Miranda’s style. She wears simple dresses not gowns obviously.”
“Miranda kind of realized what was wrong by just looking at my face. She said she had no idea and her mom said she wanted it to be a surprise. She agreed to let me send it back and I did.”
“Her mom and former sister in law came over to ask why Miranda returned it. Miranda wasnt there and I told them I was the one who returned it.”
“Her mom started yelling at me saying I shouldn’t have returned it because it wasn’t sent to me. I told her the ‘gown’ was not Miranda’s style aside from the fact that it was wedding gown and I’m sure if Miranda wore it she’d look like she’s the bride, that’s her dad and stepmom’s wedding for Christ’s sake.”
“Her mom talked about how much she spent on this dress for our daughter to look good and that I’m already letting my fiancee get top priority over my daughter and that I was starting the cycle of mistreatment and neglect.”
“Former SIL called miranda and miranda said she agreed that I return it. SIl then said that I was controlling Miranda and coaching her to say what I want her to say.”
“My ex said my fiancee was being a f% $# lunatic to be jealous of her stepdaughter and should just get over herself.”
“She reminded me that my fiancee is in for a hell of a ride if I don’t put proper boundaries in place and start treating my daughter as less then. Because my ex then will handle it.”
“I told them both to get out of my house after my ex said she won’t let Miranda attend my wedding since she felt Miranda was being forced to be there and treat her like a puppet already deciding what she should and shouldn’t wear.”
“Miranda has been quiet after this I’m waiting to talk to her but I think that I made a hasty decision to return the dress and making a thing of it.”
“Was I TA?”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors weighed in with their mostly not the a**hole judgments.
“I’d say NTA. Everyone knows it’s not really appropriate to wear white to not your wedding. It’s just a shame Miranda has been dragged into this odd dispute.” – Beelzeben666
“NTA in the LEAST. Your ex-wife is just being petty and bitter and is trying to use Miranda as a pawn. She knew what she was doing sending a freakin white ballgown.”
“The fact that she and your former SIL were still trying to find something to argue about even after Miranda confirmed that she was ok with you returning the dress shows that they just wanted to stir trouble.”
“Also it’s pretty much widely accepted that the bride should be the only one in white unless she says otherwise so nothing about wanting to stick to that for you and your fiancee’s special day makes you an a-hole.” – Tb_bunni03
“OP I would re enforce with your daughter you didnt want to seem pushy about her returning it but explain the thing about the dress.”
“Like about another girl wearing a white dress (espeically one like that) is a no-no for anyone not the bride as it takes eyes off the bride (if she doesnt already know that) and that yout ex knew what she was doing.”
“Its up to you whether you want to point out how she was using your daughtwr as a pawn (a wedding style ballgown not her + its white + its for your fiancee who she hates + the same fiancee she doesnt want the daughter to have a good relationship with).”
“But be very careful if you do bring that up because your ex will probably get even more nasty when called out and may make up lies.”
“I think it would be a good idea that if you and your fiancee are okay with it, see about buying your daughter a dress more her style?”
“If her mom was saying that she was going to buy a dress maybe she is unprepared to get another one? Or was genuinely looking forward to the dress from her mom?”
“Also maybe she did maybe like the dress but the way you reacted mad her feel like she shouldnt keep it?”
“Either wat you sending it back gave your ex more ammo. You could have let her keep it (if she actually wanted it, she may still not have) and let her wear something else.”
“Like especially since I doubt your crazy ex and her other family members are going to be at the wedding?”
“Dont get me wrong, you are totally not the AH but your daughter maybe feeling stuck in the middle trying to please both parents.” – TheoryAddict
“NTA. By buying her a wedding gown, your ex was setting up Miranda to have a really uncomfortable time at the wedding. There are a lot of people out there who would be more than willing to shame her if she wore that dress.”
“You could also ask your ex why she thinks a wedding dress is appropriate for a 17 year old (unless they’re getting married.) You saved Miranda from sticking out like a sore thumb; she would have known five seconds after arriving that what she was wearing was completely wrong for the occasion – if she didn’t all ready.” – Glencora42
“Sending it back was probably the wrong move. You should have kept it, bought Miranda something more appropriate that she liked, both keep quiet and let your spiteful ex think she was going to be successful in sabotaging your wedding.”
“Next time your ex tries to mess with your life – and she sounds vindictive enough to do so – pretend you don’t see her trap to avoid the drama.” – Far_Administration41
When a Redditor presumed Miranda didn’t want to be at her father’s wedding, the OP clarified:
“Actually, Miranda does want to be there. But I don’t know why she let her mother pick the dress and buy it for her.”
“Doesn’t matter how much it cost but I’m giving my daughter some time so we could have a deeper conversation about the matter.”
Overall, many Redditors didn’t begrudge the OP for not saying yes to the dress—especially a white gown that was meant to be worn by someone other than the bride.