With all the drama that seems to come with weddings, the urge to dang it all to heck and just elope must be high.
But eloping comes with its own set of drama.
A sibling whose brother decided to elope turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after the newlyweds took exception to his mother's reaction to their surprise news.
Appropriate_Can_5411 asked:
"AITA for telling my brother our mother isn't a f*cking robot and is allowed to be sad?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My brother and his wife like to do their own thing. They are much more my way or the highway than compromising."
"The big issue right now is that they eloped—which they are allowed to do obviously. He told everyone last night at dinner."
"It was a big shock to everyone since, for the longest time, they didn't want to marry."
"When he told the news, our mother told him congratulations, but it was clear that she wasn't very happy about it. She didn't say anything, but her congratulations were forced, and she looked close to crying."
"I asked if she was fine when cleaning up. Mom was sad that she didn't get to see him get married, but overall she would be fine."
"My brother gave me a call later that night, and he had an issue with her response. He wasn't happy at all that she wasn't very excited."
"That him and his wife found it disrespectful. I asked if mom said anything to him and he confirmed she didn't."
"I told him that mom isn't a f*cking robot, and she is allowed to be sad. That she didn't get to see her kid get married and being sad isn't an odd emotion to have about it."
"This started an argument, and he thinks I am a jerk for defending her."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I may be a jerk since I defended my mom and could have been too harsh with my brother."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You did the right thing. If they wanted to elope, they could, and they did."
"I think this is a perfectly reasonable human reaction for a mom to have because she loves her son and would really have wanted to be part of it."
"I think your brother's expectation that your mother be nothing but excited about it is unreasonable, and getting mad is also unreasonable."
"Explaining the situation to him like you did was absolutely the right thing, as well as sticking up for your mom, who you love so much and who very clearly loves you both so much." ~ epicchefuk
"NTA. Your defense was very compassionate. Your mom was really mature in that she recognized their boundary and honored it by not confronting them or putting her emotions on them."
"But that's a sad thing to miss out on."
"Your brother and SIL sound like they're taking the concept of boundary too far, to the point of policing people's emotions." ~ MaybeHughes
"NTA. The only villain here is your brother, but not for eloping. I get that. Some people need that freedom and independence to just do whatever they need to do."
"But if you're going to be that person, you HAVE to make space for people to be disappointed that they missed out on something. Turning around and being upset that your mother was upset that she didn't get to attend your wedding is wildly immature."
"That's the real word here. It's immature."
"Again, the precipating actions, eloping, telling your mother at dinner, aren't villainous in and of themselves."
"But you can't exclude people from things and get upset with them for feeling bad about being excluded. This is children-on-the-playground level maturity, and your brother isn't even there." ~ rockology_adam
"NTA. Announcing it at dinner after the fact is going to force the mother to confront her feelings on a public space without feeling like she was considered."
"People can be disappointed. That's normal. But maybe let them process it in private! And give them time!" ~ Ancient_List
"NTA—why should he get to police your emotions about an event he didn't want you at? Like you said, he's entitled to get married in whatever way he wants with whichever people he wants present."
"Your mom is allowed to respond to the news however she feels."
"Tell your brother that if he didn't care about your mom's feelings when he was getting married, he shouldn't care too much now. Kinda silly that her reaction is sooo important to him, but her presence at his wedding wasn't." ~ louisianacat1
"NTA. It's because he feels bad now. So now he needs someone to direct his bad feels at."
"His mom, the source of guilt, seems like the obvious choice. It's easier to blame her for a human reaction than admit he did something that was likely thoughtless and hurtful." ~ Broken_Motor
"It's not like mom got up and slapped him upside the head. He's demanding respect, but mom congratulated them."
"She was answering OP later when she admitted being sad. She's not responsible for bro's eavesdropping if he heard her." ~ Seed_Planter72
"Did he even hear what was said when cleaning up, or is he just pissy that she wasn't acting overjoyed?" ~ apri08101989
"NTA. Your brother does what he wants, but he can't control how people react. He has to accept that your mother may have been hurt or sad and that her feelings are valid."
"In making this decision, he should have expected surprise or disappointment from some people, as long as they respect his choice they are allowed to have feelings." ~ PandaCotton
"NTA. More than once, I've been in a situation where the right thing to say/do was directly opposed to what I was actually feeling. Your Mom didn't say, 'F*ck you both, get out of my house, I hate you'."
"She did the right thing, put her feelings aside, and congratulated the couple. If they detected sadness on her part ... well, what can you do?"
"Also, it was incredibly foolish of your brother to spring this on everyone at the dinner table. A phone call ahead of time would have given your mother a chance to pull herself together, and put on a better act, for the happy couple."
"Who frankly, sound like a couple of pains in the a**." ~ Active-Anteater1884
"But letting his mom know ahead of time would have required empathy and consideration for others, both of which OP's brother seems to be lacking. NTA." ~ CheetahPatronus16
"I kinda think the brother and wife wanted a bigger reaction….. and are secretly disappointed because the mom didn't give it to them so they have to nitpick."
"I have an uncle like this. If he wants to get angry, he'll find a reason. NTA." ~ saurons-cataract
"NTA. I think you're absolutely right about the couple wanting a reaction. I have a sibling who pulls sh*t like that all the time, solely to get the biggest—positive or negative, it doesn't matter—reaction as possible in a public setting." ~ daximuscat
"They're the victim in every story. I know people like that, they are exhausting. NTA." ~ shintojuunana
"Someone I know announced their elopement at the christening party for their nephew. Which then turned into a free wedding reception for them."
"I can't imagine their nephew's parents were thrilled about the newlyweds highjacking their event. NTA." ~ newfriend836639
"Self-centered people always think everybody else who has inconvenient emotions are jerks. Did they have to stage a wedding for everybody else?"
"No, of course not, that's ridiculous. But they also have absolutely no right to police how anybody else feels about that decision."
"Certainly no right to badger you or your mother or anyone else about it. NTA." ~ Simple-Caterpillar14
"NTA. Your Mom is allowed to react to surprising news. Your brother needs to STFU and realize that just because he CAN do a thing doesn't mean there aren't emotional consequences for his actions." ~ ahknewb
"NTA. I think you are being very neutral about the situation—happy for him, understanding of her."
"I'm guessing your brother might be feeling a little bad about how everything went down and would rather be mad at you—or distracted by 'arguing' with you—than having to talk it out and acknowledge your mom's valid feelings." ~ aj_alva
"NTA. My bestie told me she was thinking of eloping years ago. I told her that I would support her no matter what, but her mom would definitely be upset, and I wanted her to be prepared for that."
"It was during COVID, so the plan was to have a big traditional wedding later when it was safer. Well, life happened, and they never had their big traditional celebration."
"She told me that she is so glad I brought up how her family would feel because her intention was never to exclude them, but that's what would have happened if they had eloped as they originally planned."
"She ended up having her immediate family and grandparents as well as her husband's immediate family come, as well as me and her husband's best friend." ~ GirlL1997
"NTA. She wasn't disrespectful. She is allowed to be disappointed and did not rain on their parade at all."
"Your brother and his wife need to chill. Maybe look up the definition of disrespectful since they seem to be unclear." ~ wtchymom
"Your mom loves your brother enough that she's sad she didn't get to see him get married, and that's a bad thing...how?"
"NTA. Your brother is weird." ~ GloomyComfort
Life is full of choices and choices can have consequences.
If the OP's brother isn't prepared to handle other people's feelings, maybe he's not ready for marriage.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.