With all the drama that seems to come with weddings, the urge to dang it all to heck and just elope must be high.
But eloping comes with its own set of drama.
A sibling whose brother decided to elope turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after the newlyweds took exception to his mother’s reaction to their surprise news.
Appropriate_Can_5411 asked:
“AITA for telling my brother our mother isn’t a f*cking robot and is allowed to be sad?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My brother and his wife like to do their own thing. They are much more my way or the highway than compromising.”
“The big issue right now is that they eloped—which they are allowed to do obviously. He told everyone last night at dinner.”
“It was a big shock to everyone since, for the longest time, they didn’t want to marry.”
“When he told the news, our mother told him congratulations, but it was clear that she wasn’t very happy about it. She didn’t say anything, but her congratulations were forced, and she looked close to crying.”
“I asked if she was fine when cleaning up. Mom was sad that she didn’t get to see him get married, but overall she would be fine.”
“My brother gave me a call later that night, and he had an issue with her response. He wasn’t happy at all that she wasn’t very excited.”
“That him and his wife found it disrespectful. I asked if mom said anything to him and he confirmed she didn’t.”
“I told him that mom isn’t a f*cking robot, and she is allowed to be sad. That she didn’t get to see her kid get married and being sad isn’t an odd emotion to have about it.”
“This started an argument, and he thinks I am a jerk for defending her.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I may be a jerk since I defended my mom and could have been too harsh with my brother.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. You did the right thing. If they wanted to elope, they could, and they did.”
“I think this is a perfectly reasonable human reaction for a mom to have because she loves her son and would really have wanted to be part of it.”
“I think your brother’s expectation that your mother be nothing but excited about it is unreasonable, and getting mad is also unreasonable.”
“Explaining the situation to him like you did was absolutely the right thing, as well as sticking up for your mom, who you love so much and who very clearly loves you both so much.” ~ epicchefuk
“NTA. Your defense was very compassionate. Your mom was really mature in that she recognized their boundary and honored it by not confronting them or putting her emotions on them.”
“But that’s a sad thing to miss out on.”
“Your brother and SIL sound like they’re taking the concept of boundary too far, to the point of policing people’s emotions.” ~ MaybeHughes
“NTA. The only villain here is your brother, but not for eloping. I get that. Some people need that freedom and independence to just do whatever they need to do.”
“But if you’re going to be that person, you HAVE to make space for people to be disappointed that they missed out on something. Turning around and being upset that your mother was upset that she didn’t get to attend your wedding is wildly immature.”
“That’s the real word here. It’s immature.”
“Again, the precipating actions, eloping, telling your mother at dinner, aren’t villainous in and of themselves.”
“But you can’t exclude people from things and get upset with them for feeling bad about being excluded. This is children-on-the-playground level maturity, and your brother isn’t even there.” ~ rockology_adam
“NTA. Announcing it at dinner after the fact is going to force the mother to confront her feelings on a public space without feeling like she was considered.”
“People can be disappointed. That’s normal. But maybe let them process it in private! And give them time!” ~ Ancient_List
“NTA—why should he get to police your emotions about an event he didn’t want you at? Like you said, he’s entitled to get married in whatever way he wants with whichever people he wants present.”
“Your mom is allowed to respond to the news however she feels.”
“Tell your brother that if he didn’t care about your mom’s feelings when he was getting married, he shouldn’t care too much now. Kinda silly that her reaction is sooo important to him, but her presence at his wedding wasn’t.” ~ louisianacat1
“NTA. It’s because he feels bad now. So now he needs someone to direct his bad feels at.”
“His mom, the source of guilt, seems like the obvious choice. It’s easier to blame her for a human reaction than admit he did something that was likely thoughtless and hurtful.” ~ Broken_Motor
“It’s not like mom got up and slapped him upside the head. He’s demanding respect, but mom congratulated them.”
“She was answering OP later when she admitted being sad. She’s not responsible for bro’s eavesdropping if he heard her.” ~ Seed_Planter72
“Did he even hear what was said when cleaning up, or is he just pissy that she wasn’t acting overjoyed?” ~ apri08101989
“NTA. Your brother does what he wants, but he can’t control how people react. He has to accept that your mother may have been hurt or sad and that her feelings are valid.”
“In making this decision, he should have expected surprise or disappointment from some people, as long as they respect his choice they are allowed to have feelings.” ~ PandaCotton
“NTA. More than once, I’ve been in a situation where the right thing to say/do was directly opposed to what I was actually feeling. Your Mom didn’t say, ‘F*ck you both, get out of my house, I hate you’.”
“She did the right thing, put her feelings aside, and congratulated the couple. If they detected sadness on her part … well, what can you do?”
“Also, it was incredibly foolish of your brother to spring this on everyone at the dinner table. A phone call ahead of time would have given your mother a chance to pull herself together, and put on a better act, for the happy couple.”
“Who frankly, sound like a couple of pains in the a**.” ~ Active-Anteater1884
“But letting his mom know ahead of time would have required empathy and consideration for others, both of which OP’s brother seems to be lacking. NTA.” ~ CheetahPatronus16
“I kinda think the brother and wife wanted a bigger reaction….. and are secretly disappointed because the mom didn’t give it to them so they have to nitpick.”
“I have an uncle like this. If he wants to get angry, he’ll find a reason. NTA.” ~ saurons-cataract
“NTA. I think you’re absolutely right about the couple wanting a reaction. I have a sibling who pulls sh*t like that all the time, solely to get the biggest—positive or negative, it doesn’t matter—reaction as possible in a public setting.” ~ daximuscat
“They’re the victim in every story. I know people like that, they are exhausting. NTA.” ~ shintojuunana
“Someone I know announced their elopement at the christening party for their nephew. Which then turned into a free wedding reception for them.”
“I can’t imagine their nephew’s parents were thrilled about the newlyweds highjacking their event. NTA.” ~ newfriend836639
“Self-centered people always think everybody else who has inconvenient emotions are jerks. Did they have to stage a wedding for everybody else?”
“No, of course not, that’s ridiculous. But they also have absolutely no right to police how anybody else feels about that decision.”
“Certainly no right to badger you or your mother or anyone else about it. NTA.” ~ Simple-Caterpillar14
“NTA. Your Mom is allowed to react to surprising news. Your brother needs to STFU and realize that just because he CAN do a thing doesn’t mean there aren’t emotional consequences for his actions.” ~ ahknewb
“NTA. I think you are being very neutral about the situation—happy for him, understanding of her.”
“I’m guessing your brother might be feeling a little bad about how everything went down and would rather be mad at you—or distracted by ‘arguing’ with you—than having to talk it out and acknowledge your mom’s valid feelings.” ~ aj_alva
“NTA. My bestie told me she was thinking of eloping years ago. I told her that I would support her no matter what, but her mom would definitely be upset, and I wanted her to be prepared for that.”
“It was during COVID, so the plan was to have a big traditional wedding later when it was safer. Well, life happened, and they never had their big traditional celebration.”
“She told me that she is so glad I brought up how her family would feel because her intention was never to exclude them, but that’s what would have happened if they had eloped as they originally planned.”
“She ended up having her immediate family and grandparents as well as her husband’s immediate family come, as well as me and her husband’s best friend.” ~ GirlL1997
“NTA. She wasn’t disrespectful. She is allowed to be disappointed and did not rain on their parade at all.”
“Your brother and his wife need to chill. Maybe look up the definition of disrespectful since they seem to be unclear.” ~ wtchymom
“Your mom loves your brother enough that she’s sad she didn’t get to see him get married, and that’s a bad thing…how?”
“NTA. Your brother is weird.” ~ GloomyComfort
Life is full of choices and choices can have consequences.
If the OP’s brother isn’t prepared to handle other people’s feelings, maybe he’s not ready for marriage.