Most of us have attended at least a few weddings in our lives, and we understand that the bride and groom will create an event that matches their tastes, not ours.
Whether that means a dry bar or a childfree party, it's not up to us to complain about the arrangements the wedding party has made, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor Dull-Recognition-602 was surprised when her college friends became adamant about their ability to drink at her wedding, as well as making their feelings about children at the wedding extremely well-known.
When they all started opting out of attending, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure what to do.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for having kids at my wedding?"
The OP recently sent out wedding invitations.
"I (26 female) am planning a wedding. My partner and I have decided we will be a kid-friendly wedding. I know it's not for everyone but my family has kids ranging from 7 to 17."
"We sent out RSVPs and in my college group chat the following occurred."
"One girl had her baby in December. Our wedding is in November, making the baby just below a year."
"She asked in the group chat if it would be okay to bring her baby, and I kindly informed her that we asked children below 5 not to be in attendance."
"She said no big deal, she would just get her mom to watch the baby."
Some college friends were upset about something else, though.
"But THEN s**t hit the fan."
"On my wedding page, I did say anyone who has reached well over their limit will be escorted out of the reception. The message didn't say 'You'll get kicked out' verbatim. This is what we posted on our site."
"'We ask that while on the premises that people please respect the property as well as the other guests. [rules listed about the property and smoking, firearms, outside alcohol] We are so excited to spend our special day with all of our loved ones and cannot wait for an exceptionally fun-filled reception filled with good music, great food and an evening that hopefully will be remembered for years to come.'"
"'There will be an open bar complimentary of [partner's parents] as well as an officer present to positively I.D. those of age. We do ask that guests please refrain from drinking beyond their limit to ensure the safety of everyone in attendance. Again, please keep in mind an officer will be present and any guest's behavior that warrants concern will be kindly asked to retire for the evening. We look forward to spending our special day with you all.'"
"We were required per our contract with the venue to have an officer present if any alcohol is being served. We are also financially responsible for any damages done by our guests during the time of our wedding including broken fixtures, damages to the property, and even removal of hazardous waste (vomit, etc)."
"It seems no one could believe I was having a non-child-free wedding or that I would kick people out for getting s**t-faced… which if you know me, you wouldn't be shocked."
"I've been a nanny for 8 years and even my old nanny families will be in attendance."
"I also don't like people to get trashed. I've been to too many weddings that felt more like frat parties and I don't like that vibe. It just isn't me."
Some friends continued to push the issue.
"One girl went as far as to say that it was inappropriate to have children in attendance."
"I didn't really understand. My grandparents and my partner's grandmother were going to be there. Did they think the absence of kids meant I would be playing explicit music and shaking my a**? I don't know."
"Several people in the group have said they feel uncomfortable and don't think they could make it."
"I finally asked why? Why was it such a big deal?"
"The reason was that they don't feel comfortable getting drunk around kids."
"I said, so you'll skip my wedding because you can't get drunk."
"My wedding isn't an excuse for people to get trashed."
"But now most of my college friends, with the exception of one, have RSVP'd no. Over 20+ said no."
"I asked the girl who said yes and she said, 'I got trashed at my wedding and missed the reception. Several people had to be carried out and it was overall embarrassing, so I understand why you don't want people to get too crazy.'"
"But AITA for not making my wedding more comfortable for my guests?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that she needed to do what she needed to do for her wedding.
"Your plan and wording are perfect."
"Weddings just seem to be an excuse for a**holery."
"Their Wedding, their way. Were you a douche about that? No."
"Your Wedding, Your way."
"I'm sorry people you hoped would make the celebration great can't be good friends to you."
"You'll have a great day." - No_Appointment_7232
"We made our wedding pay to drink. We requested top-shelf items only be stocked for the night. Let's just say no one got s**t-faced." - PumpkinSpicedBagel
"NTA. You plan the wedding you want. If they don't like it, they don't have to attend. They can plan their own events their own way."
"Plus, it sounds like you inadvertently created an ingenious system of keeping potential drunks and jerks away from your wedding, making it a much nicer atmosphere." - birdingisfun
"Hey OP, I never understood the people who want kid-free weddings."
"Some of my favorite memories from my wedding are of my niece and nephew dancing, my friend's daughter shyly running up with the flowers. Holding my friend's baby at my reception while my wife talked to her for a few minutes."
"Your wedding will be a blur of memories. You will be so busy, you won't remember half of it."
"Your most cherished memories won't be of your college friend getting wasted, but of the happy few minutes you get to spend with each person there."
"And yes, many of those happiest moments will be of the kids." - shamblingman
Others even offered suggestions to keep the children entertained.
"My brother brought along some building blocks, drawing paper and pens, and some toys when he got married and kids loved their little corner." - PeggyHW
"My sister managed to get a smaller room next to the main hall and had things like board games, cards, coloring stuff, and places people could plug electronics in. I think they even had some sort of video game system set up. (This was like 18 years ago so I don't completely remember what they had.)"
"We had a whole bunch of 10-15-year-old boys in the family at that time and they were way more interested in hanging out in there playing on their DS and whatnot than they were in the reception."
"I don't get people who feel the need to be completely wasted at a wedding. Most weddings I've been to have had both alcohol and children and there were never any issues."
"Don't worry about the people who choose not to come, it's their loss. Do what's right for you and your fiance, you're the ones who matter most." - JulineAnnick
"I had a table with toys and coloring books for the kids." - SilverPhoenix2513
"I have 3 younger siblings under 10 who are on the spectrum, so I'm doing a table of coloring and puzzles for ALL of the children. I figured it would make sense since children get bored and/or overstimulated, regardless of whether or not they're on the spectrum."
"I'm actually considering a separate room so I can setup a more calming space." - MamaKit92
Some offered comfort for how the friends had behaved.
"Why would anyone feel threatened by that unless they don't have the ability to attend one social event without being blackout drunk?" - Various-Opening-1107
"The friends probably view weddings as a cheap way to get drunk really fast. They can't get super drunk if kids are around. No endless free drinks equal no show." - blue_penguins2
"Did your friends ever leave college...? Cause it sounds like they want a college party, not a wedding."
"By the way, I aspire to have the vibe you have described for your wedding, so just imagine a redhead with a homemade 'Go OP!' sign in your corner when people are mad they can't do illegal things at your wedding." - _green-queen_
"NTA at all."
"There is no need to get s**t-faced at a wedding whether there are kids or not. I wouldn't want kids there and I'd still kick out people treating it like a bar or a frat house."
"If you only go to weddings to get drunk, do everyone a favor and don't go. Social drinking is not getting drunk and if they want to be drunk, they can go to a bar."
"IMO (in my opinion), drunk adults and young children both need to be babysat which makes everything a lot less fun." - Dazzling-Gift5677
"NTA. It's you and your partner's wedding and therefore only you 2 need to agree to how your wedding goes. You gave plenty of advanced warning which is all that's required of you."
"If someone is mad about the alcohol rule they can go to a bar instead of your wedding. How entitled can people get?"
"It's your wedding, make it how you and your partner want it to be. I hope you have a great time and congratulations in advance from a random Reddit stranger." - Excuse_Purple
While the OP was stressing over the number of people who were not planning on attending the wedding, the subReddit mostly thought that was a good indicator of who wasn't a true friend in the OP's life.
They could agree that the messaging was a little off-putting, but because it was required to be included by the venue, the OP couldn't do much about it. But beyond the messaging, it sounded like the "friends" were much more concerned about the kind of party they could have, rather than the celebration of love that they were actually invited to.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.