No family is picture perfect all the time, but some are worse than others.
Some people care more about their image than their loved ones, and that can cause irreparable strains in relationships.
Redditor aitasnitched encountered this very issue with his family. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my cousin what our family were saying about his wife and causing him to cut everyone off financially?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My uncle had a kid from an affair who he abandoned to the system. My grandmother found out when he was 12 and took him in.”
“This was a huge scandal in not only our family but also our social circle because everyone is all about appearances and protecting the family legacy.”
“If I’m being honest, my family weren’t very nice about my cousin. I remember when he first came to live with our grandparents my own mother told me not to socialize with him too much in front of outsiders, so he doesn’t ruin my reputation… I was 8.”
It even affected his career.
“When he graduated, the family didn’t want him involved in the family business because of his parentage and also because he was pretty closed off and was only close to our grandparents and no one else in the family.”
“So, our grandfather gave him some money to start something on his own. The family business hasn’t been doing so well for a long time, but my cousin is doing better than ever.”
“Despite everything, he’s been financially helping all of us for a few years now.”
Then, he found a partner.
“Recently, our grandparents told everyone he was married and expecting a baby. This was a huge shock to the family.”
“Our grandfather admitted he suspects our cousin got her pregnant by mistake and chose to do ‘the right thing’ based on a few conversations he had with him before he announced his marriage.”
“My family immediately cyberstalked his wife and they said some awful things about her, and everyone was complaining that he could’ve done so much better. My dad was even encouraging everyone to make things hell for her so she leaves.”
OP is close to his cousin.
“I told my cousin what they said. I’d like to say I did it for selfless reasons, but I didn’t.”
“He’s paying for my tuition after my parents refused to help since I dropped out the first time and based on his personality, I doubt he’s going to be very forgiving once they start this crusade against his pregnant wife.”
“Well, he cut everyone off except me and our grandparents.”
“He never told anyone it was me but since everyone is floundering trying to figure out what they’re going to do now and I’m not, it didn’t take much for them to figure out I was the snitch. Now my family are angry at me and calling me all sorts of names.”
“So, AITA?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA.”
“They never accepted him as a family member. If they never accepted him, why do they deserve his help? (They don’t).”
“They were mooching off him and only wanted his money, they didn’t care about treating him like family.”
“You were right to let him know exactly how they felt about him and his pregnant wife. You seem to actually care and accept him as family, so it’s not selfish to let him know, he may be helping you with college, but you care and treat him well. You have accepted him as family, good job!” ~ yukidaviji
“I do agree with you that OP did the right thing but I’d actually say even OP doesn’t really deserve his help. Doesn’t sound like they would have had his back if it wasn’t for the money. Basically OP did the right thing for all the wrong reasons.”
“I’m really sad for the cousin to have such a mean family. Except for the grandparents of course.”
“ETA: just saw the comment regarding OPs history with her cousin. I have to say I’m still on the fence. I don’t get why one would wanna have an ongoing relationship with the bad bits of the family and not try harder to get in regular contact with the functioning parts.”
“Maybe the cousin is hard to get on the phone but I doubt the grandparents would be. And I can’t imagine what to gain from keeping being part of the rest of the family.”
“But I also fully recognize I’m speaking from an incredibly privileged place as I have a really loving, caring and most of all supporting family. I definitely can’t even begin to imagine all the hardships OP had to face growing up with.”
“I can’t imagine having to worry about my image like ever but especially not at 8. So I do feel bad for OP as well now. Cause who needs enemies with a family like this.” ~ sparklinghufflepuff
Most agree the family is to blame.
“Exactly.”
“There is an old saying in my country that translated goes something like this: i sing the song of those that feed me.”
“Nothing in OPs post hints that their “selfish” reason was something like getting more money for themself. Their motivation was not selfless in a “it’s the right thing to do” kind of way. But it was not selfish, either. It was loyal.”
“The cousin is supporting OP financially when the rest of the family would (or could) not. That is something that can totally inspire loyalty. And telling him that the people that always excluded him but still took his money are now thanking him for that generosity by planning to make his wife’s life hell? That is being loyal, pure and simple” ~ SufficientMacaroon1
“When OP followed the family orders, they were an eight year old child. How much can you expect from children in elementary school? I mean, if I’d stood up to my mother’s bullshit at that age, she would have kicked the everloving f*ck out of me.”
“OP obviously came from a viper’s nest but still did the right thing; I think that the more OP gets used to doing the right thing, the more natural it will feel, and the corrupt family ‘logic’ will start to fade away. Distance is very healing.” ~ Elesia
Sometimes, you do get to pick your family.