Dress codes in the this day and age?
Apparently that is still a thing.
And it can be a dramatic thing.
Clothes can be a relationship killer.
Case in point...
Redditor Florida_Man666 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to change shirts to appease a bar’s dress code?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Last night, I (26 M[ale]) was in line for a bar in my city."
"The line was pretty long and friends and I were standing out there for at least 10 minutes."
"My boyfriend (27 M) was inside the bar already with his coworkers who I was supposed to meet that night."
"When I was almost to the bouncer checking IDs, another bouncer came to the line and informed me I wouldn’t be able to get in because I was wearing a tank top."
"It’s summer and very hot here, so it’s typical attire for men."
"Several dudes behind me in line were also told the same."
"I said 'really dude, why' and was told it was just 'the rule.'"
"My female friends in crop tops were apparently no issue."
"So we went across the street to a different bar, which was less crowded, cheaper drinks, and quieter music so we could actually have a conversation."
"I texted my boyfriend and told him we were at said bar because I wasn’t let in to the original one."
"He said 'I think I have a shirt in my car.'"
"I said sorry but I don’t want to give my money to the first bar if they don’t like how I dress."
"He said his coworkers really want to meet me."
"I said ok just come across the street, it’s quieter here and we can actually talk."
"He refused, and instead he and his coworkers ended up going to a different bar where I also couldn’t get in due to dress code."
"There are at least 10 bars within a 2 minute walk so there were several other options including the one our friends were waiting at already."
"I refused to change shirts and ditch our friends who didn’t want to go to the new bar and they agreed that I wasn’t being difficult to not want to change shirts."
"They are also my boyfriend’s friends first and foremost so they wouldn’t have been expected to take my side."
"Long story short my boyfriend and I argued and didn’t spend the night together and I didn’t meet his coworkers."
"I was told I was being stubborn."
"I agree, but there are some things I stick to because of principles."
"AITA for not just changing?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"Looking at OP's history the bar he was going to is not one I would describe as upscale."
"I am somewhat familiar with the bar his boyfriend was at and the one across the street."
"Neither is particularly upscale, but they are definitely not the same sort of atmosphere."
"The one his boyfriend was at is more of a club with music and dancing."
"The one across the street that I assume is the one he went to is more of a pub/sports bar."
"If boyfriend and coworkers were looking for a night of clubbing/dancing, then the pub that OP was at would not give them the activities they were looking for."
"I also have a guess as to the second venue that boyfriend went to from the description, and it is definitely a music/dancing venue and not a pub type bar."
"Although I am pretty sure none of these places have a strict dress code." ~ sweet_hedgehog_23
"I disagree that dress codes generally mean upscale/nicer."
"I had a bar like this is my city that wouldn’t let my brother in law in because he had cuffed his jeans."
"I could with my capris though (a woman)."
"It was definitely not upscale, it was a drunken party bar."
"Decided not to go in and never ever went back.
"I think a lot of these dress codes have to do underlying homophobia."
"I.e. men who dress outside of the 'traditional male' clothing." ~ WellFic
"NTA - I would be the same."
"Hit me with a dress code violation when you're letting a similarly-clad someone of the opposite sex in?"
"Nope! Wouldn't go back there either on principle." ~ ReadyGrapefruit5449
"NTA - Why the hell didn't BF say that there was a dress code before hand."
"If he wanted you to meet his co-worker he could have went to bar you was at."
"Your BF didn't like it and that is his right."
"It was not loud and personally, if I am meeting someone, I rather not yell to have a Convo." ~ Accomplished-Pen-630
"Bars are super weird about this, coming from someone who’s dating a bouncer."
"Some bar owners don’t want it posted for a multitude of reasons, but mainly because most bar dress codes are not only sexist but racist."
"This ranges from ripped jeans, to puffy coats, to sweat suits."
"A big sign that says 'no head coverings, chains and gang colors' screams racism."
"Not to mention, most bouncers have to find something to deny guys over (other than gay clubs) because the guy/girl ratio in the bar has to be a certain level."
"They have this unspoken dress code and end up denying 100-200 people a night due to something the bar owner refuses to let them post."
"I’m sorry this happened, you’re NTA and it’s hella weird your boyfriend continued on to a different bar when you were close." ~ Disastrous_Pickle
"I am a woman who has been turned down at the door at a club or two for not being scantily clad (at least one time I was wearing a tank top."
"No shade against women that go out wearing sexy dresses and high heels, it’s just not my thing."
"I wouldn’t give any place with this rule a dime."
"If I’m not up to their standards, their bar isn’t up to mine."
"OP is NTA and his boyfriend is rude - especially for going to a second bar with a similar dress code."
"He was more interested in hanging out with his coworkers than having them meet his BF." ~ HorrorAvatar
Some Redditors had a different thought...
"YTA. You were meeting your BF's CO-WORKERS."
"There is a standard of decorum for networking in one's career."
'And you were wearing a TANK TOP."
"I live in the southern United States."
"It's hotter than 2 muskrats doing it in a wool sock in the summer, and sometimes in the winter too."
"But there are times when we have to dress according to the occasion, and this was one of them."
"They are his co-workers yes, but even in a situation of bar hopping they are networking/team building."
"There is a REASON they were going to bars with a dress code."
"Your average work party isn't going to happen in a biker bar unless you work for Harley Davidson."
"The same applies here."
"He offered you a solution and you doubled down based on 'principle'."
"No you didn't have to dress in office appropriate attire, but wearing a niceish shirt was the minimum you could have offered." ~ SydlynsMagic
"ESH. You suck; your boyfriend wanted his coworkers to like you."
"And instead you came off badly: petulant, controlling, inability to adapt or make personal sacrifices for your partner."
"Sometimes we do small things to make our partners happy."
"The bar sucks because, yes, it’s a silly dress code."
"Your boyfriend sucks because he should also be a good partner and adapt when something is important to you."
"He sucks the least though, because the needs of the group generally outweigh the one."
"Ultimately they were already there and comfortable, all you had to do was put on a shirt."
"He crosses into AH territory when the next bar also required an outfit change."
"So yeah. Be nicer to each other." ~ WhoFearsDeath
OP wanted to be clear...
"Edit because I think this is getting missed..."
"About an hour later they left the first bar and went to another bar."
"Instead of coming across the street where I was waiting, they went to yet another bar with a dress code that was a few blocks away."
"NTA. You get to decide where to spend your money and it's reasonable in a very hot climate to dress appropriately for the climate."
"It would also have been rude to leave the other friends who couldn't get in."
"Your boyfriend was the rude one in this situation because he wouldn't go where everyone could be included."
"If he felt like his coworkers wouldn't cooperate, don't give him a hard time though."
"We all have to kiss A sometimes for work."
"You did the polite thing as far as your other friends who were rejected so good on you." ~ Antstst
Well OP... for the most part Reddit is with you.
Your partner should be able to adapt.
But you may want to check club rules first.
Go have fun.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.