Guests who linger for too long tend to never realize the burden they become, or they don't care.
It's always nice to want to help loved ones out when they're in a bind.
But when a favor starts to become a hindrance to daily life, it's time for serious chats about boundaries and taking advantage.
When the guest is a close family member, these are some of the most difficult conversations to have.
Redditor PaleTotal6379 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to let my mom move in with me even though she says she has nowhere else to go?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My name is Mark, 26 years old, and I finally got my own apartment last year after saving for years."
"It's a small one-bedroom place, nothing fancy, but it's mine and it's the first time I've ever really had privacy."
"My Mom, she is 52 years old, recently broke up with her B[oy]F[riend] and had to move out of his house."
"She called me crying, saying she didn't have anywhere to go and asked if she could stay for a few weeks."
"Of course, I said yes, she's my mom."
"But now it's been four months."
"She hasn't looked for a new place, doesn't help with groceries, and has started treating my apartment like it's hers."
"She rearranged my furniture, keeps commenting on my food choices, and even tried to throw away some of my stuff because it looked old."
"I've gently brought it up a few times, but every time I do, she gets emotional and says things like, 'Wow, after all I did for you, now you're kicking me out?' or 'You'd let your own mother be homeless?'"
"Last week, she invited two of her friends over while I was at work without even asking."
"I came home to people sitting on my couch, drinking wine."
"That's when I told her we needed to set a deadline for her to move out."
"She cried and said I've changed, and that she can't believe how cold I've become."
"My sister thinks I'm being heartless, but she lives two hours away and isn't offering to take Mom in either."
"I love my mom, but I just can't live like this anymore."
"I'm starting to feel like a guest in my own home."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for asking my mom to move out even though she says she has nowhere to go?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. She DOES have somewhere to go - sister's house."
"Or how 'bout those friends who were drinking wine on your sofa?"
"Or her own place."
"She's had zero rent for 4 months = she should have a nice deposit saved up for a rental."
"She has overstayed, overstepped, and underperformed." ~ opine704
"BLAME THE LANDLORD!"
"Tell her she is not on your lease, and needs to leave, as you are allowed guests, but she is no longer a guest, and you are now potentially violating your lease, and could be kicked out." ~ dell828
"Good news!"
"Your sister just volunteered to take your mom in!" ~ SirChaos77
"Does your landlord know that you have an extra occupant in your apartment?"
"Whether he/she does or not, I'd tell your mom that you're in violation of your lease and that she'll have to stay in a motel rentable by the week until she finds something else."
"Definitely NTA." ~ TalkieTina
"Your mom has 'nowhere to go' because she hasn't looked for where to go in 4 months."
"I think she's quite comfortable at your place, she's making it hers, and she's very comfortable not paying for a thing."
"And she's guilt-tripping you."
"If you want my honest opinion, this will go bad for you."
"She might even say that you're the one who needs to find another place, because she made your home hers."
"If I were in your shoes, I'd give her a deadline."
"She's going to guilt-trip you over and over, and you can answer her that it's not healthy for anyone that you two live together, that she needs her own space to do whatever she likes, and you also need your space." ~ Odd_Tea4945
"NTA. She's an adult."
"It was good of you to take her in temporarily, but she needs to find accommodation of her own, not just take over yours." ~ ReadMeDrMemory
"NTA. You were more than kind, and now you need to be clear and firm."
"Please protect your space and privacy, and well-being. Good luck." ~ That_Bee_Baker
"NTA, but she's manipulating the hell out of you."
"I'm going to be a little mean here, but it sounds like you need it."
"Mom does not have your best interests at heart like she should."
"Instead, she's taking advantage of you and everything you've worked for."
"I'm going to go as far as calling this abuse between the emotional manipulation and the financial aspect."
"Especially with the flying monkey sister involved, who you should be asking when she's taking her turn hosting any time she tries to start with you."
"You need to stand up for yourself and make her leave."
"The timeline isn't going to work."
"Her reaction to that conversation after 4 months of freeloading is proof enough of that. It's time for her to go."
"She might be your mother, but she's not supposed to be your problem." ~ TipsyBaker_
"NTA. She had 4 months to figure out somewhere to go, and 4 months to save money to pay for said somewhere."
"Give her 30 days to find somewhere and be out, and make it a hard deadline."
"If she isn't out by 30 days, you will have the Sheriff come and escort her off the property since she will be trespassing."
"Change the locks at 31 days so she no longer has any access."
"She's guilting you by using your raising you as a bargaining chip."
"'After all I did for you,' you mean the sh*t parents are legally obligated to do for their children as a bare minimum?!"
"Get her out and do not let her back in."
"She found your place when she was looking for somewhere to go; she'll find another place in 30 days." ~ Guilty-Company-9755
"NTA - parents who claim you 'owe' them because they birthed you are the worst."
"You've been more than generous, and she's a grown woman who should be able to take care of herself." ~ notastraycat
"I don't know why you're asking if you're TA for something you didn't do: You didn't refuse to let her move in with you, she IS living with you."
"NTA for setting a deadline."
"Tell your sis to put up or shut up."
"As for your mother, she has had four months rent-and-bill-free with you, and since it was her house, however long she lived with him, probably rent-free too."
"If she was paying him rent (and in some places, even if she wasn't), she could be considered a legal tenant and he would have had to evict her, which would have given her even more time to save up and find a new place."
"Sounds like she's taking advantage of you."
"And as for you.'
"If your apartment is rented, not owned, depending on the laws in your area and the contract, you could be in breach of contract having a non-paying resident stay for so long, and risk getting both of you evicted."
"Check your lease, and stick to the deadline." ~ 2cents0fucks
"NTA, but sounds like you need to pack up your mom and her stuff and dump her at your sister's place." ~ StructEngineer91
"NTA. She sounds like a master manipulator with all the tears and guilt-tripping."
"Tell your sister you'll pay for a one-way bus ticket for mom to go stay with her."
"Mom is free to then rearrange your sister's furniture and invite strange people over to socialize." ~ Oldgamerlady
"NTA. Mom is manipulating you with tears, and she needs to move in with your sister before your sister is allowed to have an opinion."
"If I were younger, I'd offer to be your stunt girlfriend to help you prove a point, but I'm older than your mom." ~ Ok_Illustrator_7445
"NTA. Your sister can shut her face."
"Unless she's willing to take her in, she doesn't have an opinion on the matter."
"You need to grow a backbone and realise your mum is using you."
"She works so ages got money but she's enjoying being able to waste it on what she wants while she moochs at yours, eating your food, paying nothing towards anything."
"She will make you feel guilty because you're calling her out on her absolutely awful behavior." ~ Fioreborn
"NTA. I'm several years older than your mother."
"If the situation ever arose where I had to stay with one of my kids, I can guarantee you that I would be working on an exit plan on the very first day."
"You don't 'owe' her anything!!!" ~ justloriinky
"She does have somewhere to go. OP, buy Mom a bus ticket to wherever your sister is, since she feels you are being heartless."
"Let's see if she feels the same way after having Mom running her life and invading her privacy for four months."
"Tell Mom that you are putting her on a bus and let your sister know when she will be arriving." ~ briomio
"NTA, I'd remind her that she wanted a few weeks, not to move in permanently."
"She should be working and independent."
"I'd tell your sister she can take the next four months till your mom is working and has a place of her own."
"Or other family." ~ julesk
"NTA. Check local laws - hopefully she isn't considered a tenant now - but get her out ASAP."
"Even if you have to remove all her things to a storage unit."
"GET HER OUT!" ~ C_Majuscula
"NTA. Your mum is taking advantage of your kindness and is also treating your home as if it were her own."
"Let your sister do her share now."
"You have housed your mum for 4 months, now it is your sister's turn." ~ myblackandwhitecat
Reddit is 100% with you, OP.
Your mother is taking advantage.
This is your private space; it's time to reclaim it.
Your mom needs to move on.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp