Redditor homeowner_aita is a 37-year-old male who considers himself to be a very "blunt" and "logical" person.
His 34-year-old girlfriend, Mary, just bought an apartment in San Francisco, which is commonly considered to be one of the most expensive metropolitan places to live in the U.S.
The Redditor has an issue whenever Mary tells people she purchased the apartment on her own, and it is the basis of many of their recent arguments.
Their recent fight led to a breaking point.
So he turned to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit, where he asked:
"AITA for correcting my girlfriend when she says she bought her home by herself?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My girlfriend (I'll call her Mary) recently bought an apartment in one of the highest cost of living areas in the country ( SF). I'm very proud of her of course."
"She loves to tell people that she bought her apartment all by herself, with no help from anyone."
"I'm a very blunt/logical guy, and I generally correct her and remind her that she DID have help:"
"-she lived rent free with her parents for several years before buying, they didn't even let her pay for utilities or food."
"-she had an inheritance, that paid for closing costs."
"-her mom lent/in some cases straight up BOUGHT furniture for her."
"-she used a lender and a re-agent that she was referred to (related to her best friend)… so she got a bunch of di$count$ that way."
"-she is a consultant and makes an absurd salary/bonus/comp."
"-she still has MBA loans (on pause for covid)"
"Combined together I think that the above is SIGNIFICANT help that many people don't have."
"We are getting into fights when I correct her, and yesterday she called me an a**hole and said that she's at her breaking point."
"I don't think I am, I'm just honest."
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Based on his given reasons, many Redditors couldn't back him up.
"So she doesn't earn her salary? That's considered 'help?'"
"Also a lot of times blunt = YTA. Sounds like that's what we've got here." – superjudy1
"YTA. Based on your own bullet point list, she did in fact buy it herself. It was all legally her money plus loans."
"'When I correct her'."
"I'm giving you a 2nd YTA for this."
"Reminder, the dating prospects of a woman with an MBA, an absurd income, and her own apartment is probably a lot better than that of a smug 37yo 'blunt' guy who likes to 'correct' his gf." – IBeTrippin
"YTA- sound rather petty. It's still her money no matter if she paid rent or not."
"Inherited money is still her money too. Not very logical to my view." – shadow-foxe
"YTA. You sound so jealous. Being honest. Resenting your own girlfriend, what a guy." – JoannaRe
"Wow. Of all the things about which you could choose to be honest, you're choosing to be honest—with other people—about your girlfriend's finances."
"And you're belittling her in front of those other people."
"If your girlfriend were the one posting here, I'd be warning her about all the red flags I'm seeing. Instead, I'll just say."
"YTA all the way." – cambridge_ax
"Hard YTA vibes here."
"I bought my current house with my now ex-husband while we were married. During the divorce, I bought him out of his portion of the equity by not taking a certain % of a brokerage account in the divorce."
"I then refinanced the house solely in my name and have paid the mortgage, insurance, and property tax all on my own for 4.5 years."
"In OP's eyes, I should be negged because it was originally bought with joint money and forget all of my hard work and professional accomplishments to afford a mortgage that was close to $325k on my own."
"No, bad OP, we do not demean our partners and we do not dull our partner's crown in a piss poor attempt to make our's shine all under the pearl-clutching guise that 'I'm just telling the truth'."
"No. It's petty. It's pathetic. It's problematic. I feel bad for OP's partner." – carr1e
"The gf can acknowledge in her mind she had support/gifts that helped her purchase her own home in a housing crisis whilst still being very proud she managed to buy her own home."
"Why ruin her joy with 'YOU HAD HELP THO'. In ten years she has to always use the caveat of 'oh didn't struggle the entire time to achieve this'?!!"
"Also it is the ultimate AH behaviour to throw inheritances into peoples faces. Someone literally had to DIE, they are gone forever, and they kindly left something to help in life to someone still living."
"The living person wouldn't have received it had they not died. Such a AH move. YTA." - throwawayj38sld
"YTA. If your gf isn't aware that she's been very lucky, then that'd be one thing. But nothing you've said here has indicated that."
"In fact, it sounds like you're correcting her any time she mentions that she's bought an apartment."
"Do you have an axe to grind or something? Of course this is something she should feel excited about."
"And yeah, maybe she should feel proud of it, as long as she's worked for it too and knows that she's very privileged/lucky."
"Honestly the way you've described it makes you sound totally insufferable! Give her a break." – civil_lingonberry
"YTA. If that's the list that means you can't say you bought a home by yourself, then basically no one else can say that either."
"She has a high paying job so that automatically means she got help? Where's the logic in that?"
"You sound jealous when you should be supportive and commend her for this big step in her life." – JuniorFix3344
Overall, many Redditors thought the OP was being petty with his impulse to clarify specifics of how she was able to afford the home she was able to purchase for herself.
They also got the sense the OP's actions were motivated by jealousy.
Redditors didn't have high hopes for this relationship unless the OP changed his attitude.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.