A messy breakup can be difficult to deal with.
Particularly when your ex ends up with your best friend.
So how do you deal with it when your family continues to foster a relationship with people you can’t stand?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Available_Feedback33 when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
“AITA for demanding that my parents uninvite my ex wife and my ex best friend from their garden party?”
OP started by setting expectations.
“I came to Reddit for an honest opinion on if I’m the a**hole.”
“I (32M) have been divorced from my ex-wife Elle (32F) for 4 years.”
“It was not a nice thing. She and my ex-best friend Silas (25M) have been married for 3 and have 1-year-old baby.”
Then, the problem.
“My parents and Elle’s parents were long-time family friends and that didn’t stop after our divorce.”
“My parents are hosting their yearly ‘garden party’ which is just an excuse for them to catch up and gossip with the other seniors.”
“I was visiting my parents when they told me that Silas and Elle would be in town and they were invited to the garden party. My parents can’t wait to meet their baby.”
“I told them no they are not coming.”
“My parents didn’t budge and said they would not be rude enough to retract an invitation after Elle and Silas agreed.”
“I said no one wants their ex-wife at their parents’ party.”
“My parents said I could be polite for one day. They really want to meet the baby and catch up with them.”
“I made an ultimatum that it was either me or them.”
“I would not attend if they came.”
“My parents called me an a**hole for making them choose as Silas and Elle hadn’t asked it and potentially making Elle’s parents think badly of them.”
OP was left to wonder.
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Commenters felt the need to add context to the whole thing.
“You left out some key details.”
“Based on what you’ve said when pressed:”
“You were aware your families are close and that future encounters with your ex would be inevitable if things went south in your relationship.”
“Things went south in your relationship. Your wife had a medical issue.”
“You preferred work to home. It sounds rough, and I’m sorry.”
“You kissed your coworker, cheating on your sick or injured wife.”
“You did not tell your wife, but someone did. She separated from you for your infidelity.”
“Your friend, who had built a friendship with your ex while you were avoiding her at work, helped her pick up the pieces.”
“That friendship evolved into a relationship. After a couple of years together, they now have a child. Good for them.”
“Your family, who is friends with your ex and her family, continues that friendship despite an uncomfortable situation. Good for them!”
“When the first inevitable encounter came up, everyone was prepared to be friendly adults at a garden party.”
“You gave your parents your ultimatum instead.”
“Look, I get not wanting this to go down. I’m sure it would be uncomfortable to see them.”
“Imagine how uncomfortable it must have been for everyone but you four years ago. I’m surprised they didn’t outright pick your ex.”
“Finally, you posted this.”
“You came to strangers online, posted half the story blaming your spouse for your dissatisfaction, and are accusing her of an emotional affair with no proof whatsoever.”
“If you have to hide half your story, if you have to leave out everything you did in a situation, you’re in the wrong.”
“That’s just embarrassing.”
“ETA: holy bananas, thank you everyone!” ~ FidgetyGidget
“OP describes the ‘mistake’ as such a one-off 30-second kiss, they are massively hiding information.”
“It was either as they described, in which case surely there’s been an HR investigation as to why he kissed a coworker randomly with no build-up to the moment;”
“Or he was showing this coworker attention for the time he was pulling away from his wife, and there was flirting & attraction building up.” ~ No-Introduction3808
“Your post is so misleading.”
“In comment, you admit that the divorce is because you CHEAT.”
“You were a jerk. Family picks her side.”
“She moved on.”
“You did not.”
“YtA.” ~ Altruistic_Arm1026
The above-referenced comment from OP
“My wife and I had problems in our marriage.”
“She was going to a medical issue, and she was very testy and impatient with me, not to mention she wasn’t in the mood for anything.”
“We were both pulling long hours at work.”
“Silas doesn’t need a job, so he would occasionally help out me and my wife with stuff.”
“I worked so many hours for us, and honestly, work was better environment for me. It was happier, I didn’t feel criticized, and my coworkers actually liked me.”
“At a work party, it got a little out of hand, and I accidentally kissed a coworker.”
“I realized what I was doing was a mistake, and I immediately pulled back. It was a half a second of our lips touching at most.”
“A coworker told my wife, and she immediately threw me out of the house with no warning and filed for separation.”
“Silas moved in a few months later. They get married and pop out a miracle baby that my parents fawn over.”
Some called out OP’s gall.
“This person is right, OP.”
“What shocks me the most is the fact that you had the nerve to give an ‘ultimatum’ to your parents over who THEY are inviting to THEIR garden party, which you described as an occasion to goss with other seniors…”
“Makes me think you don’t even want to be there yourself? That’s so childish.”
“Just excuse yourself politely and say ‘I am sorry, I do not feel like I have healthily processed that situation, and I don’t want to cause a scene or make anyone uncomfortable.'”
“Then offer them an excuse to tell those who would ask about you.”
“That is the proper mature way of dealing with this situation, taking on yourself, taking responsibility for it, admitting that it is your fault.”
“But unfortunately, you can’t. Because you’re a narcissist.”
“Look, OP, and this is very important.”
“You need therapy, both to help you get over Elle and Silas, but most importantly, to find ways to deal with your narcissism.”
“Otherwise, you will keep on being an a**hole in your life and do all the mental gymnastics necessary to make yourself out to be the victim.”
“Good luck, I really hope you follow suit and stop hurting those around.” ~ nossida
Of course, there were personal stories too.
“My ex was like this.”
“I was 3 months pregnant and had morning sickness every morning which was extremely uncomfortable and gross.”
“He got mad cos I didn’t want to have sex as soon as we woke up.”
“He got angry at me and said, ‘Everything is the baby now.’ Didn’t matter I felt like sh*t.”
“Just that he didn’t get as much anymore.”
“Fun side note, he broke up with me when I was six months pregnant, outside the hospital before a monthly checkup cos I was too focused on my baby and not on him.”
“His words, not mine.” ~ Sammygirl2780
“My deadbeat Dad paid 55% of the amount of the child support and none of the bills he agreed to pay.”
“He told my mother that if she took him to court, he wouldn’t pay anything.”
“My mother said that she would have been homeless before the courts did anything based on how long it took to get anything done about child support in those days.”
“So she did nothing about it because she was a SAHM with three children and no current job skills.”
“She scraped by with partial child support plus she babysat until the youngest went to school, and she was able to get some training to get a job.” ~ Imaginary_Shelter_37
Commenters changed their tune when they found OP’s problematic comment.
“I think you are completely justified and your parents are being super insensitive. If I were you, I would just tell your parents that you’re hurt they’ve done this, and you aren’t coming.”
“EDIT: I was the first comment before more context was provided in the thread, and it turns out OP is indeed TAH” ~ twowars
“I’m assuming it was an affair (maybe not 🤷🏽♀️), so the fact that your parents invited them is beyond messed up.”
“I guess a friendship with her parents is more important.”
“Edit; Since, people downvoted me all because I posted EARLY 😂 According, to new info, YTA.” ~ TheBackOfACivicHonda
Divorce is a messy process.
While often necessary, the damage can be extensive and can often spread far beyond the couple involved.
However, if isn’t your party, it isn’t your party.