Redditor Additional_Door_3206 recently had the unpleasant experience of learning his live-in girlfriend was lying to his face.
The Original Poster (OP) had a deal with his girlfriend about how parental visitations would work between her son and her ex.
However, the OP recently learned that his girlfriend broke the deal they had made and went behind his back.
This drove the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
He asked:
"AITA for kicking out my girlfriend and her son after she invited her ex into our home?"
He went on to explain the situation.
"Me [35-year-old male] and my gf, Sara [35-year-old female] have been together for 4 years. She has a son, Nathan [9-year-old male], with her ex Mark [36-year-old male]."
"Sara has full custody of Nathan with her ex having scheduled visitations one weekend of every month."
"Sara and Nathan moved in with me a little over a year and a half ago and in my perspective, it was a little rocky at first."
"I've always been pretty protective of my space so making room for two other people was difficult for me."
"When Sara moved in with me we agreed that the visitations for Mark would be held in our apartment as long as I'm home."
"The main reason I wanted this is because I don't know Mark that well, and I don't want him wandering around our apartment without me there."
"When we proposed this idea to Mark, he was fine with it."
"Now moving on to the real issue. Three weeks ago marked four months since Mark's last visit so I had asked Sara when he was planning on visiting Nathan."
"My gf replied by shrugging her shoulders and telling me she'd ask. She never followed up with it. So a few days ago, I asked when Mark's next visit was and Sara said she'd tell me when she knew."
"Nathan was in the living room but had apparently overheard us and shouted something along the lines of 'Dad was here last weekend remember'."
"Sara's face immediately dropped, and when I asked what Nathan meant, she wouldn't give me a direct answer."
"Eventually she ended up telling me that for the past two visits, Mark had been to our apartment when I was working."
"When I accused her of going back on our agreement, she kept telling me this was her home too and she could invite whoever she wanted, and that it was fine because she was here and watching."
"I told her that was beside the point and she violated my trust. It blew up into a huge argument with ended in me telling her to get out of my apartment. She packed up and left with Nathan."
"Last I heard she was staying with her parents."
"I've gotten several messages from both Sara and her parents calling me an a**hole for kicking Sara and Nathan out of their home for something so small."
"She's even been blasting me on Instagram and Facebook about how horrible I am to do this to her. It's got me thinking I might be the AH, but I'm not entirely sure yet."
"AITA?"
"ETA: I can see why it's important but the court order was instructed because of Mark having a criminal record."
"I'm not sure what it's for as Sara has never directly told me and I didn't want to push her to tell me."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA,"
"Not only did she break the only rule you had (for whatever reason) but she lied about it multiple times and seems never had the intention to tell you until the kid revealed the truth."
"if she had an issue with the single boundary you've set, she should've talked to you and 'renegotiate' it, but she didn't bother."
"and I'm sorry, but letting someone move in with you doesn't automatically make you and them 100% equal residents in a house you own…"
"…especially when it comes to conditions that were agreed on before the move." - littlerunaway1984
"NTA- she lied to you multiple times, and when she got caught her response was to try to emotionally manipulate you into accepting this blatant violation of your boundaries."
"Even if this was entirely above board (though she wouldn't have had to lie if it was) and she didn't do anything with her ex, there's clearly no respect for you here." - Open-Negotiation6232
"NTA. All the folks voting for YTA are deluded. She lied about her ex visiting when you weren't home (something she agreed to) instead of discussing the need for changing the agreement in advance."
"Why doesn't the ex meet with his child at his place?" - serenasplaycousin
"ESH. She shouldn't have lied, and that's weird. But, dude... you kicked them out like they were guests. You just said they've been living there for a year and a half."
"You kicked a child out of his home instantly on a whim, for something he had nothing to do with. WTF."
"I hope at least you consider this a break up and are done with them both in your life…"
"…because if you have any notion of treating this as a standard couple's dispute that needs resolving after THAT...." - louvellyn
"NTA. If she thought it was 'fine' for her ex to visit your apartment, she would have said something and she did not."
"In fact, she hid the fact that he'd been there not once but twice. This was a clear boundary, and she crossed it."
"That's a red flag there and I'm not sure you should be in a relationship with her after this." - Anon_457
The OP's final update read:
"I got off the phone with my ex and figured you all deserved an update."
"First off, I wanted to thank all of the feedback and comments I got on my post, I didn't think it would get that much attention but here we are."
"There were a lot of different opinions on who was in the wrong, but after going over a ton of them, I realized I wasn't as non-a**holey as I thought."
"Now onto the update, as I'm sure that's what all of you came back for. It's not too exciting so I'm sorry in advance."
"Firstly on Monday, I had a locksmith come by in order to change the locks…"
"…(which I got the go ahead from my landlord, and I ordered a new door camera that should be coming in sometime next week.)"
"After that, I hadn't heard from my ex until Tuesday, when she called me from a number I didn't recognize (her mother's) in order to apologize."
"She started crying over the phone, begging me to take her back and that she made a mistake and how awful it was being back at her parent's house."
"She complained that everything was a mess and that there was a smell she hated. She even promised to never bring Mark over again as long as she could move back."
"I ended up telling her that she had lost my trust and that I wasn't going to move past this simply because she was having a difficult time at her parent's house."
"I told her this was her consequence for breaking the one thing I asked her to do when she moved in. When she realized I wasn't budging, it was like a flip had been switched."
"She started screaming at me, using lots of colorful language I won't be repeating here. Among the list of swears, she told me I had no right kicking her out of her home…"
"…that I was criticizing her as a parent, that I was manipulative and ignorant, and that nobody would ever love me because not even she loved me."
"Before she hung up, she told me she'd get me evicted and take my apartment from me. I blocked the number after."
"I ended up emailing my landlord in order to see if there was any way she could get me evicted. I'm not sure if I mentioned it in my post, but I've been pretty good friends with his son for a while."
"He ended up calling me and laughing about the whole situation, telling me that legally she has no ground to stand on since her name was never on the lease."
"According to him, she was simply a live-in guest until her name was added. Thank goodness it never was."
"Which brings us to earlier this morning, where my ex woke me up to call me (this time from her father's number) and repeated most of the things I listed above."
"Apparently she had contacted my landlord and he had hung up on her (thank you, David.) By the end of it, I told her to stop contacting me and that we were over for good."
"I blocked her father's number as well."
"It's not the most exciting update as I said earlier, but it's what happened."
"Some people in the comments suggested I talk to my landlord, which is what I ended up doing, so thank you to those people."
Boundaries are made for a reason.
Well, what do you think, readers? Let us know in the comments below.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.