Having a close knit family is one thing, but sometimes the lines of healthy relationships and unhealthy get blurred.
After his mother bug-bombed his apartment against his wishes Redditor farkuku lost his temper and turned to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for some objective thoughts on the conflict.
He asked:
“AITA for yelling at my mom after she bug bombed my house I told her not too?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained their troubling family dynamic:
“I am changing a few minor details to ensure my privacy. I (23m) and my family (mom, dad, bro) are all neighbors.”
”I don’t get along with them much but it makes sense to stay close to each other. We usually eat together and maybe have a casual conversation about the news.”
”Both my bro and I each have their own apartments (same building) and my parents live two houses down from us. We all have keys to each others houses.”
“Yesterday mom(60) told me she is ordering a bug bombers to their house, and also bro’s house. She asked me if I wanted them to spray my house too.”
”I said ‘no, I don’t want it. I have pets living inside and I am not comfortable with it’ and she responds ‘but you’re living right next to bro’s name, the bugs will come to him through you!’ I say no one more time, and say it’s my final decision.”
”Today I had to accompany a friend to a medical check, so I was not at my house this morning. On my way back, I called mom to pick me up from friends house (took his car), and she said ‘I’m just getting your dogs, the bug bombers are here’ I decided to stay calm because I was still driving, so I said ‘I’m displeased. we’ll talk about on the way back’.”
“During this time I was trying to keep myself from exploding in anger. My friend tried to calm me down but I was furious. She came to pick me up.”
”The first thing she says, before I get in the car even: ‘you hadn’t told me you didn’t want me to send the bug bombers!’ And I just lost it.”
”I started screaming that I had specifically told her that, and if she didn’t hear that I might as well speak Russian because she is not listening to me anyways, what’s the point in speaking the same language?”
”I decided to shut the door and walk the way home (with the dogs). I discovered that I had left a bag of my medical prescribed weed open when I left this and had to throw it away as it had a strong unpleasant smell which I assume comes from the bug poison.”
”The pet bowls also had a strong smell but I can maybe wash them. I went back to tell at my mom, I tried to remain calm.”
”Quickly it turned into her doing the ol’ passive aggressive, and that made me very angry so I yelled at her something like ‘I cannot trust you anymore, you had no right doing any of this, and the fact that you’re just trying to ignore it and play it off makes my respect for you die’.”
”I also realized after that I had called her by her first name, not ‘mom’. I went back to my house after a minute of yelling.”
“I usually don’t yell at people. I don’t get angry fast. My default is to forgive.”
”But after she had said ‘you hadn’t told me’ I could not stay calm. This is not the first time that she ignores my no, and probably won’t be the last. But I was never so furious in my life.”
”I am not sure if it was right to yell and scream at her. Please, tell me if I am a giant a**hole because I kind of feel like one, and if I am than I may have some apologing to do.”
Redditors were asked what they thought by deciding:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors reached a consensus declaring OP was NTA.
“NTA. Get your key back from her she clearly can’t be trusted with it. The ‘you hadn’t told me’ was enraging just to read, I can’t stand people like that.”
”You couldn’t have been more clear that you did not want the bug bombers to come to your house, your mom sounds very controlling, maybe it’s time to move.”~hey-demons-its-me-ya
“NTA she ignored your instructions and thought she would get away with it. Your fault is giving your mum your key.”
”Instead of the shouting just go take your key back immediately from your mother and brother and then change your your locks. It’s time to set boundaries.”~Careless_Mango
”NTA honestly you need to change your locks. It’s not safe for your parents to be doing things to your house when you specifically say not to.”
”I guess if it was me I’d want to lessen contact or even move. I hope you can draw some boundaries. NOTE: yelling isn’t a boundary. Changing the locks would be.”~ItsTime1234
“NTA. There are consequences for people not respecting your boundaries, and then lying about it. A stern talking to/yelling, sometimes gets the point across, when talking to them respectfully doesn’t.”
”Change your locks. Don’t bother asking back for the keys from your parents or your brother.”
“Just change the locks, and let them find out on their own that they’re no longer trusted/welcome to enter your home. I’d also skip a couple of meals there, so she doesn’t think that you’ll continue to sweep things under the rug.”~baobab77
The angry doggy daddy added an update later on.
He made a plan to put some healthier space between himself and his boundary challenged mom.
“Thank you everyone, I now understand that I may be an *sshole but not for the reason I thought. It is pretty obvious that the relationship between me and my mom is terrible.”
”I will stop eating meals with them and I May change my locks, depends if my landlord allows. I will be collecting all of the spare keys if not.”
”The next time I see a apt offer that I can afford I’m going for it, still not sure about the technical details, but I’ll either figure it out along the way or improvise to survive.”
Sounds like OP is going to take some much needed space from this overbearing family.